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What Can I Say That Will Let You Know I Still Love You?

That Room…Reminded Me Of Her Smiling Face, Everything Seemed To Be Reminding Me Of That Time. That Time When I Was Happy, Content With Life. I Felt Like Nothing Could Hurt Me. That Nothing Could Hurt Us… Nothing At All. But I Knew It Wouldn’t Be This Way Forever. I Ignored That Fate, I Ignored The Fact That She Wouldn’t Be Here With Me Forever. I Remember The Days We Had Spent, The Nights We Shared, Our Passion Growing Stronger Every Moment We Spent Together. I Didn’t Want It To End, It Terrified Me To Even Think My Dear Kaori Would Leave My Side… My Dear, Dear Kaori Sakuragi, The Love Of My Life.

She Was An Assignment, Nothing More. Something About That Girl Made Me Want To Fall In Love. Made Me Want To Fall So Far For Her, I Felt Like I Would Do Anything For Her. There Was Nothing More I Wanted Than To Be With Her, If I Had The Chance I Would Have Died With Her, But A Love From Someone Like Me Would Be Twisted. So Why? Why Did I Let Myself Fall In Love With Her? Why Did I Want To Give Her Everything? She Was Just An Assignment! I Fell In Love, I Couldn’t Help Myself, I Couldn’t Resist Her I Couldn’t Even Control Myself. I Didn’t Want Anything More But To Love Kaori Be With Her Until The Day I Died And Long After. All I Wanted Was Her. She Was All That Was On My Mind. And She Was All I Wanted In Life, But More Than What I Expected.

Her Eyes A Delightful Shade Of Red, No Lighter. Pink. Her Hair Was Black As Midnight But More Heavenly Than The Stars That Lay In The Dark Sky. She Looked So Cute In Her Saint Miator Uniform, The Black And White Laced Dress Fit Her Well. I Felt Her Soft Pale White Skin, So Beautiful Almost As If Made By God Himself. A Quite Girl But I Could Read Her Eyes, Her Emotions. She Was Being Torn Apart By Her Illness. The Illness That Plagued Her Heart, The Heart Of An Angel Who Was Going To Fall…

I Remember Sitting Beside Her Death Bed Along With Miyujki Rokujou And A Few Other Friends Wanting To Weep Apon Her Cold Face And Closed Eyes. Wanting So Bad To Cry To Beg God To Bring Her Back To Me. I Wanted To Cry But My Mask Was Showing. Being Around The People Who Respected Me The Most Out Of Anyone I Couldn’t Show Them My Pain So I Hid, Hid Behind My Mask So Thick No One Could See Through Me. I Went Back To My Dorm And Wept Over Her Death, The Picture Of Her Closed Eyes Her Paler Than Normal Face, I Started To Remember More Than Ever The Night We Snuck Out Of Our Dorm Rooms To Meet Each Other In Secret, Kissing Her Soft Red Lips Taking In Her Taste, Taking In Everything About Her. Feeling Her Body Pressed Against Mine, I Felt Safe For The First Time In My Life, At That Moment I Knew What It Felt To Be In Love, I Realized How Much I Had Lost.

I Started To Hate Myself. I Started To Hate Everything About Life, Nothing Was Able To Compare To Kaori’s Love For Me. I Couldn’t Take It Anymore, I Couldn’t Take Her Not Being In My Sight, In My Arms… Not Being In My Life. I Grew Cold. I Was Neglecting My School Work, Neglecting My Friends I Didn’t Want To Do Anything But Die. I Held Everything Inside Me, I Kept My Secrets My Problems I Kept It All To Myself Only One Person Was Able To Read Me, The Real Me: Miyuki Rokujou. My Dear Friend Miyuki, I Hated Her For Seeing Through Me, I Treated Her Like s**t But I Knew I Loved Her, She Was My Only Friend… Until The Day, Ah That Faithful Day That Nagisa Aoi Transferred To Astrea Hill’s Miator Strawberry Dorms. The Same School And Dorm As Me. She Was Tamao Suzumi’s Roommate And I Lead Her On From The Second I Laid Eyes On Her. She Wasn’t Like The Other Girls I Had Tended To Brain Wash With My Wit And Charm, She Wasn’t Like Everyone Else… Her Eyes… Red, No Pink. She Reminded Me Of Kaori. My Kaori.

Nagisa Aoi, A Happy Go Lucky 4th Year Student Of Miator. I Was Drawn To Her, I Wanted Her Like I Wanted Kaori And I Knew I Would Fall In Love With Nagisa The Way I Had With Kaori. No, I Couldn’t I Cant Love Nagisa. Kaori… Was To Close To My Heart. No One Could Ever Replace Her! Why Do I Keep Asking The Question Of Why? Why Cant I Just Be A Loner And Forget About Nagisa!? Why Cant I Just Think Of Kaori And Nothing More Than Kaori, Kaori, KAORI! My Heart Longs For You, My Soul Dies For You, My Eyes Cry For You, My Empty Arms Reach Out For You Kaori. Who Is Nagisa To Take That Devotion Away From You Kaori?

Days Went By, Weeks. Months. I Played My Games With Nagisa, I Didn’t Think I Would Ever Find Someone Who Could Replace That Gaping Wound That Lay Within My Bleeding Heart. I Feel As If Every Time I Close My Eyes To Sleep I Get Pulled Into A Twisted Fantasy One With Kaori, One Where I Was Still Happy. As Soon As My Tear Covered Eyes Open From My Sleep Reality Hits Me As Hard As A Bullet Piercing My Flesh. No Pleasure, No Expressions Just An Illusion Of What Should Have Been But Wasn’t. I Know I Can Not Truly Experience The Beauty Of Love Without Enduring The Bleeding Broken Feelings That Comes With It Once Its Lost. But Something In The Back Of My Mind Made Me Want To Believe That Nagisa Would Almost… Take Kaori’s Place? No. Not Take Her Place, Just Fill The Hole That Lay Within My Heart.

I Began To Realize I Would Do Anything For Nagisa Aoi. I Fell In Love With Her Just As I Did Kaori, That Same Passion I Felt For Her I Started To Feel For Nagisa… Until I Found The Letter… That Damn Letter. Miyuki Rokujou My Childhood Friend, My Only Friend Found It When The Next Etolie Election Was Going To Be Decided, Meaning… The Necklace Kaori Had Would Soon Belong To Someone Else And Mine Would Be Gone As Well. Kaori Left Me Something, I Was Just… A Bit Late In Finding It.

The Letter Read:
To Shizuma,
You’ll Read This Letter Someday. When You Do, I Wonder How You’ll Feel? Right Now I Have No Regrets. Just That I Pray That Someday This Letter Will Reach You. Do You Remember? The Days After We Became Etolie. Under The Guidance Of The Past Etoile, The First Time We Entered The Greenhouse. I Fell In Love The First Time I Saw It. The Greenhouse Is Very Pretty. No Matter What Season It Is, There Will Always Be The Sweet Scent Of Flowers And Plants. Cold Winds And Rain Don’t Reach There. Just Like The Place We Live, Astraea’s Hill. Hey, Shizuma I’ll Disappear Before Im Able To See The Outside World. To Be Protected By Your Warm Love, And Seeing The Rain Pouring Down On The Outside, I Feel Very Happy. I Have Never Once Thought Of Leaving This Place. I Love It Here. But Shizuma, You Are Different. You Can Walk Under Cold, Windy Rain And Look At The New World. There Should Be Someone Beside You Who Is Always Supporting You. And… Look Ahead. A Brand New World Defiantly Awaits Over There. You Will Surely Have New Encounters. Shizuma, I Love You. Shizuma, Be Free. Stay The Way That I Love, The Beautiful, Strong, Capable, And Free Shizuma. Forever And Ever. Please, Shizuma.
Kaori.

She Was 14 When She Wrote That… We Had Just Became Etolie. As I Read This Out Loud With Miyuki, Shock Filled Our Eyes. Miyuki… Was Always Quick To Cry And I Knew That. I Held Her As She Cried Over The Lost Of Our Loving Friend Kaori. My Heart Was Pounding I Felt Like Dying, I Didn’t Want To Be Around Anymore… But That Letter Saved My Life. I Knew Kaori Was Happily Watching Over Me And All Of My Achievements. I Knew Miyuki Would Be The One Who Stood By My Side And Supported Me. She Would Be My Strength. Something Inside Me Kept Telling Me I Should Join Kaori In Death. That Letter Saved My Life. That Letter Kept Me Going. The Feeling Of Death And Depression Didn’t Come Over Me As Much And I Started Being Able To Tear My Mask Away Layer By Layer… I Was Getting Better. Even Though I Know I Will Never Fully Heal… Kaori Gave Me Something To Look Forward To In Death, Seeing Her Smiling Face. Knowing She Still Loves Me.
I Still Continued My Old Habits, I Still Played Mind Games, Still Brain Washed Girls With My Charm, But Kaori Was Always In The Back Of My Mind Always Reminding Me That I Could Never Love Someone As Much As I Love Her. Not Even Nagisa. I Thought I Was Confused, Alone, Depressed, Angry Even, And I Was Right About It All. I Have No Regrets. I Don’t Regret Taking Advantage Of Other Girls Or Taking Advantage Of My Friends. I Do It To Fill That Hole Even If Its Only For A Little While. Like A Quick Fix To Kill The Pain. Yeah… That’s What It Was. I Knew The Sorrow I Had In My Heart Would Never Leave. I Cried In My Room Almost Every Night But It Wasn’t As Sad As It Was Before. I Think I Cried Because I Was Happy. Because I Was Content With My Life And Found What I Had Been Searching For: A Reason To Keep Going. Kaori Gave Me That Reason. Even Though I Knew I Wouldn’t Mind If I Died At Any Given Moment Kaori Made Me Want To Keep Going… I Guess That Shows Just How Much Im Really In Love With Kaori Sakuragi.

Love Is Patient Love Is Kind… Love Means Slowly Loosing Your Mind… I’ll Always Remember You My Sweet Kaori… The Love Of My Life, My Everything, My Kaori.

-By: Shizuma Hanazono: “Everything Happens For Reason, Even If Your Not Sure What That Reason Is Yet… Its Still There. Gives You Something To Think About When You Don’t Know Why Something Has Happened.”

-Written January 1, 2010 By Tony Helliouse.-