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If Only You Could See Me Now Isabelle

I’m Just A Dead Man Walkin, With Every Step I Take, Im Not Getting Very Far. Im Not Ever Getting Closer. Don’t Know Where Im Headed Don’t Think I Care. Nothing Matters Anymore. My Best Friend Is A Blade That I Hold Close To My Heart As I Walk Down This Road Which I Don’t Even Know The Name Of. I Don’t Feel Like Walking Anymore But I Feel Like Im Unable To Stop… Until I Had Hit An Approaching Curve… I Didn’t Want To Turn So I Walked Straight… The Road Forgotten Even By Me As I Walked On Empty Pavement And Remembered The Moments In My Life That Actually Mattered. Countless Moments Flowed Through My Mind, Countless Thoughts And Emotions Running Through My Veins. I Felt It All Like The Rush I Had Gotten From Piercing A Needle Through My Flesh, Breaking The Skin And Having That Shot Of Heroin Run Through Me. I Felt The Pain And I Felt The Relaxation. I Felt The Sickness But I Felt The Numbness Hit And It Reminded Me Of That Time I Had Spent With Her… It Reminded Me Of A Time Of Happiness, No It Was More Than That… Why Was She The First Memory That Had Went Through My Head.

Her Eyes, Blue Green. Not Too Dark Or Too Light. Looking Into Her Eyes Were Like Gazing Into The Cosmos Of A Never Ending Dream. It Was More Than Beautiful, Words Escaped My Lips When I Looked Into Those Eyes. Her Eyes. I Didn’t Want To Loose Her. I Couldn’t Even Bare The Thought Of Letting Go Of Her Lucious Body, Her Sharp Curves Her Smooth Skin. Nothing Could Compare To Her Beauty. Everything About Her Was Perfect. I Couldn’t Think Of Anything But Her. It Was Like Hell To Go Without Her. A Second Without Her By My Side Was Like Another Second I Was Being Torched In The Flames Of Hell. Being Alone Was Something I Couldn’t Handle. Something That Was Impossible For Me. Being Alone Was Like Looking At the Pieces Of My Broken Soul Through The Shattered Glass That Lay On The Floor Of My Empty One Room Apartment.

I Was 17 When She Touched My Heart. I Was 22 When She Ripped It Out Of My Chest, And I Was 45 When I Decided To Throw It All Away. I Had Wanted Her To Understand, I Had Wanted Her To Love Me And I Gave Her My All My Heart And Soul. Anything She Wanted I Gave Her But What Had I Gotten In Return? A Heartache, A Pain That Not Even She The One Who Was Able To Read Me Better Than Words In A Book Would Be Able To Understand. No One Was Able To Understand. My Cries Were Never Heard for I Hid Them. My Tears Were Never Seen Because My Face Was Stained With So Much Pain The Tears Wouldn’t Show. My Pain Was Drained Through My Addiction I Had That She Left Me With. I Wasted My Days Away With Bottles In My Hand And Cigarettes In My Mouth, Syringes Surround My Bed And I Hold One Lazily In My Hand, Grasping It Just Enough Not to Drop It. They Were Heaven In My View, These Drugs Of Mine. After She Left Me I Had Nothing Left And Became Dependent On Things That Weren’t Needed To Survive. I Needed Her. She Was Something I Needed In Life, A Necessity. If She Wasn’t In My Life I Felt As If No One Ever Could Be Again.

I Remember That Night. The Night I Met Her. The Night It Had All Began. The Night I Had Set Myself Up For A Trip To Hell Instead Of A Blissful Ride To Heaven. No The Reaper Would Take Me… Wrapping His Boney Fingers Round My Body, His Black Feathery Wings Surrounding My Being Dragging Me To Hell And Then Tarring My Soul Away From My Body Forcibly, Ripping My Heart From My Chest And Eating It, Gouging Out My Eyes So I Am Unable To See The Things I Desire, Her. Decapitating My Limbs So I Wouldn’t Be Able To Steal Her Heart Away From The Man She Is So Happily In Love With After Leaving Me to Die Along With My Addiction. Taking The Ears From The Sides Of My Head So Her Voice Couldn’t Reach Me. Stolen My Voice Box And Crushing It So I Wouldn’t Be Able To Call Out Her Name. What More Of A Punishment Did He Want Me To Endure? He Might As Well Kill Me Himself. No That’s To Much Work For Him, He Much Rather Me Take My Own Life Anyway. My Time Wasn’t Up Yet So His Plans Would Have To Wait For Now. Let Me Recall The Night. Before Its Too Late, Before I Forget. If I Ever Could Bring Myself To Forget Her.

She Graced Me With Her Name “Isabelle” Was What She Had Said, I Heard Her Name Flow Through My Ears Into My Mind And Then To Be Engraved Into My Memory. I Spoke My Name Back In The Most Worried Of Tones And I Sounded Like A Complete Fool But I Said My Name Non The Less “Aiden” She Smiled At My Worried Pathetic Face And Touched My Cheek And Said “It’s A Pleasure To Meet You. Your Eyes Are Beautiful Aiden. And You Have Such Nice Hair To Match.” I Remember Her Describing My Hair As “The Most Sinister Red That Fades Into The Blackest Of Shades” And My Eyes As “The Most Lightened Pale Grey Tint I’ve Ever Seen, There Beautiful” I Remembered That Night At The Café Like It Was Yesterday, How I Wish It Was Only Yesterday. We Met At Café Amare. I Had Been There With A Few Friends For Some Coffee. The Shop Was Decent. White Walls On All Sides. The Ceiling Tile Had Been Cracked, The Rug Had Been Ripped And The Place Was Out Of Shape For Someone Who Lived In A Middle Classed House But When Your Someone Like Me Who Lives In A Poor Run Down Apartment This Is Like A Castle Through A Kings Eyes.

7:08 Was When She Walked Through The Revolving Doors Of The Corner Shop Known As Café Amare On The 27th Of January. My Eyes Hit Hers When I Saw Her Walking In. Her Golden Blond Pin Straight Hair Was Down In Front Of Her Face, Her Eyes Like The Cosmos… Her Figure Perfect In My Eyes. She Was Wearing A Simple Black Jacket, A White Shirt Underneath, Plane Black Shoes And A Necklace That Held A Butterfly Pendant. She Had Some Make Up On… But It Was Simple. Nothing Crazy. Nothing Out Of Place. She Was Cute. I Knew I Had Loved Her From The Moment I Saw Her. Love At First Site Is For Hopeless Romantics And I Knew That’s Just What I Was. As Much As I Didn’t Want To Admit That Statement I Knew What I Was And I Just Had To Accept That. Her Features Seemed To Line Up Perfectly She Had A Face To Die For.

She Ordered A Regular Coffee And Asked For French Vanilla. She Sat Down And Crossed Her Right Leg Over Her Left Thigh She Sat Back In Her Chair And Sipped Her Coffee And I Wanted To Approach Her But Not Make A Fool Of Myself. That Was A Dumb Idea. I Took The Chance Thinking “What Could Possibly Go Wrong That Hasn’t Gone Wrong For Me Already? Ah Yeah That’s Right An Early Death Sentence! What Was I Thinking!?” I Went Anyway Despite The Fact I Had Been So Against It Just A Moment Ago. I Walked Up To That Angle And I Looked Into Her Eyes, The Cosmos. Took A Deep Breath Before Standing Directly In Front Of Her And I Said “I’m Single And Desolate. Can You Help Me?” Said That Quite Confidently As My Friends Had Been Laughing At Me From The Small Rounded Table Cross The Room. I Looked AT The Angle That Was Before Me And Was Calm. She Placed Down Her Coffee Looked Me Straight In The Eyes And Looked At Me As If The Devil Had Possessed Me And Tried To Hit On Her. In All Honesty I Think That Might Have Been What Happened. “Your More Than Just Single, Someone Needs Some Decent Cloths. But You Are Cute, I Give You That.”

The Comment Rushed Through My Head But A Comment Wasn’t Hard For Me To Find “Cloths I May Not Have Much Of But Eyes For You Is All I Need. The Names Aiden, The Pleasures Mine.” She Smiled And Said “Yeah The Pleasures ALL Yours” I Smirked Back And Said “Thank You, What Might Your Name Be?” She Replied Almost At Instant. She Had Paused For A Minute Though “Isabelle.” I Couldn’t Get Her Name Out Of My Head… Couldn’t Stop Thinkin Bout Her. The Conversation That Followed Was Innocent. Things Were Simple… I Invited Her Home. To My Shitty Apartment, I Hated The Fact That I Didn’t Have Anything To Really… Impress Her With I Guess Is What I Mean. She Didn’t Seem Surprised When She Had Saw My Apartment. She Looked Very Calm About It. Very… Alright With What I Had Laying Around My House. Me And Her Had Arrived At My Apartment At Around 1Am… That’s Just How Long We Stayed At The Café. My Friends Had Left Sometime In between 7:30- 1Am But Im Not Sure When. I Didn’t Even Notice Them Walk Out.

She Walked Into My Room And Sat On My Bed. She Had Made Herself At Home. “Live With Anyone Aiden?” I Shook My Head And She Just Smiled. “Sit With Me Boy?” I Sat Next To Her, I Had Gotten to Know Her In The Past Couple Hours But I Didn’t Know Her Enough Yet… That Didn’t Help Me From Wanting Her, That Didn’t Stop The Feelings I Was Being Overwhelmed With Right Now. She Turned To Me And Looked Into My Eyes, Her Face Only Inches From Mine And I Knew Where This Was Going, For Some Reason Though I Didn’t Care. I Wanted It To Happen. I Was Waiting For The First Move. I Knew… Isabelle Was Someone Who Wouldn’t Mind Making The First Move, I Could Tell She Was The Type To Do Whatever She Was Feeling And If I’ve Read Her Right… This Is Going To Be A Long Night…

I Excused Myself Away From Her And Went Into The Bathroom. I Had Left The Door Open. I Took Out A Black Bag With A Zipper Round The Side And I Opened It Up… Took Out My Syringe And My Heroin And Started Shooting… I Couldn’t Take Not Having It Anymore. I Didn’t Want To Shoot Dope In Front Of Her Even Though I Knew She Would Find Out The Moment I Came Back. I Didn’t Have That Much Time Though Because She Had Walked In And Saw Me Stick The Needle Through My Vein. She Shook Her Head And Grabbed The Hand Of The Arm I Had Stuck The Needle Through And Held It To Her Lips And Began To Cry… I Couldn’t For The Life Of Me Understand Why. I Barley Even Knew Her. Maybe It Was The Same Reason I Had Gotten Up To Leave To Go Do This. Was There A Bond Or Are We Just Tired From Talking All Night? What Was I Feeling? What Was She Feeling? I Felt Like I Had To Know. She Kissed My Hand And Gently Pulled The Needle From My Arm. “Your Just Like Me Aren’t You?” My Eyes Widened And She Lifted Up The Sleeve Of Her Black Jacket To Reveal The Needle Marks She Had On Her Arm From Injecting Drugs, Whatever Drugs She Might Be Doing.

She Could Tell I Was Starting To Relax Because The Drug Had Hit Me. The Heroin Was Taking Its Effect And She Was Tempted To Join Me, So She Did. She Took The Needle That Was In My Arm And Started Shooting. I Could See It In her Face That She Was Going To Get Off On This. She Fell To Temptation Fast And I Could See That She Was Beginning To Fall Into Bliss Rather Quickly. I Moved Our Work Over To My Room And Onto My Bed, I Couldn’t Afford Her Getting Off On The Drugs She Had Taken And Then Hurting Herself In My Bathroom. She Lay On The Bed And I Laid Next To Her, Covering Both Our Bodies With The Blanket I Had. My Apartment May Have Been Run Down, There May Have Been Cracks And Holes In The Walls, Ceilings, Tile And Furniture That Was Left But The One Thing I Did Have Was A Decent Bed And That’s All I Really Needed. She Got As Close To Me As She Possibly Could Wrapping Her Arm Around My Back And Torso. I Could Tell The Drug Had Hit Her But She Wasn’t In Any Mood For Anything And Neither Was I. We Fell Asleep Like This And We Hadn’t Woken Up Until About 3PM The Next Day.

She Woke Up Before Me And Started Slipping Her Hand Underneath My Ragged Old Shirt I Had On From The Night Before. She Had Started Touching My Smooth Skin And I Hadn’t Felt It Until I Had Awoken Soon After She Began Touching Me. “Ah… What Time Is It? Been Sleepin All Day…?” She Smiled And Said “Its About 3…” I Just Looked Back And Lazily Tilted My Head Back Tiredly… Not Fully Awake. No Not Awake At All… Exposing My Neck To Her Was A Dumb Idea Because She Was In A Mood. I Saw It In Her Eyes And I Felt The Passions She Had Running Through Me With Even The Simplest Of Touch Coming From Her Silky Smooth Finger Tips. I Didn’t Want What She Had Wanted But My Mood Was Slowly Shifting And I Began To Want Her. Her Hands Weren’t Far From My Pants And From The Way This Was Going I Don’t Think They Were Going To Stay Anywhere Near Far Away. Before I Had Known It She Had Started Rubbing The Insides Of My Legs, Trailing Her Fingers Along The Sides Of My Legs… Getting Closer To My… Well I Think You Can Just Imagine How The Rest Went Eh?

For The Next 6 Months Me And Isabelle Had Been Inseparable. We Spent Every Moment Of Our Days Together Doing Whatever We Wanted Whenever We Wanted. We Had No Curfew Or Anything To Hold Us Back. I Lost My Parents At 3 And Her Parents Kicked Her Out So Being On Our Own Had Brought Us Together. Not Bad. We Both Knew That We Werent Getting Anywhere In Life. We Had Been Stealing And Selling Our Bodies Off For Money For Years Now Just To Get Along In This World. We Spent The Money We Got On Food, Drinks, Cigarettes, And Of Course Our Favorite Drugs. That’s All It Ever Came Down To Getting Our Drugs Because It Got To The Point In Our Addiction Where Our Bodies Needed The Drugs And If We Didn’t Have Them We Would Get Sick.

Heroin, Cocaine, Meth, Crack, Ecstasy, Opium, Marijuana, Shrooms, PCP You Name It We Did It But Our Favorite Was Heroin And That Was A Fact. For The Past 6 Months Heroin Had Become A Late Night Ritual For Us. Lighting Candles, Playing Trance, Techno, Maybe Heavy Metal Or Scremo Music Whatever We Had Been In The Mood For. Wine, Vodka And Grapes Had Always Been Present. Reading Tarot Cards To Each Other And Finally At The End Of It All: ********. That Was Our Main Activity I Presume. Each Time We Did It, It Was As If We Were Getting Closer To Each Other And We Wanted To Do It Over And Over Again More And More Each Night That’s What We Looked Forward To. That’s What We Wanted From Each Other. Our Relationship Was Like A Never Ending One Night Stand. Were We Really In Love? Or Did We Just Want A Friend To ******** Around With And Do Drugs? Either Way We Were Both Falling For Each Other. Despite The Fact We Might Have Not Really Been In Love Our Hearts Told Us Otherwise.

Years Passed. I Was 22 When She Broke My Heart. It Was The 19th Of September When She Decided To Tell Me That It Was Time For Her To Move On. She Walked Out On Me With Whatever She Had And Looked Me Straight In The Eyes And Said “Its Time I Move On Aiden, Im Done With Drugs Im Done With False Hope Im Done With Your Heart… And I’m Done With Your s**t. Im Done With You Aiden! I Don’t Want Anything To Do With You Anymore… Its Over. Go Find Yourself Another Angle Im Sure That Pick Up Line Of Yours Will Get You As Far As You Need.” She Took Her Suitcase And Was Off. Moved Away, Up And Left. And That Was The Last I Saw Of Isabella.

Im 45 And I Had Given Up On Life, I Was Feeling Pain I Thought I Knew But Never Really Did. I Continuously Made Myself Feel The Same Pain Over And Over Again. I Started Doing More Drugs. I Started To Take A Higher Dosage I Started To Want, Crave The Pain. I Started To Drink More. I Stopped Eating. I Went To Clubs For The Thrill And I Laid In Bed On The Days When There Was Nothing To Do. I Slept Those Days Away… And There Were A Lot Of Them. I Started To Self Mutilate. I Started To Cut Myself Leaving Gaping Wounds And Gashes In Various Parts Of My Body, Sometimes I Would Cut So Deep I Would Lash Open My Flesh Until I Hit The Bone. I Would Walk Around With The Skin Missing From My Face Or Neck, Maybe An Arm Or A Leg. I Got Into A Lot Of Fights And Started Committing More Crimes Then I Should Have.

Committing Crimes Was Like An Escape From The Remembrance Of Isabelle Because It Was Something I Didn’t Do With Her. I Always Stole On My Own Even When I Was With Her, I Wouldnt Let Her Steal. I Stole A Motorcycle From A Local Shop And Drove It While Intoxicated I Got Into A Major Crash And Broke 2 Of My Ribs And My Right Leg. I Needed Surgeries On My Neck And Chest So I Would Be Alright. They Put Me On Medication To Ease The Pain But The Pain I Was Feeling Mentally Could Not Compare To The Pain I Felt Physically. Nothing Was Working Out And I Had Wished That Everyday I Kept Living I Died. It Got To The Point Where I Refused To Loose To Anyone But Myself. I Never Did See Isabella After We Broke Up. When I Was Alive Anyway But When I Had Taken My Own Life From Over Dosing On A Massive Amount Of Heroin I Watched Over Her And Her Sweet Hearted Boyfriend Who Was Rich And Had No Problems At All In His Life, He Was The Complete Opposite Of Me. Whatever He Was I Wasn't. I Felt Sick.. I Couldn’t Bare To Look At Them.

Hell Was As I Expected And The Reaper Had Come To Take Me Home The Minute I Had Over Dosed On The Heroin He Was There Smiling At Me With The Most Wicked Of Grins And I’ll Never Forget My Last Words For They Were All I Kept Thinking As I Made My Trip To The Other World To The Otherside. To Hell. All I Could Even Care About All I Could Think… Nothing Else Ran Through My Mind But Her. Images, Visions, Flashbacks Of Her Beautiful Face, The Feeling Of Her Skin, The Look In Her Eyes And Then Her Anger And Hatred I Felt When She Had Walked Out On Me After 6 Years. After Living From Age 22 To Age 45 Stealing, Selling My Body, Doing Drugs More Than I Had Before She Left Me And Then Finally Just Killing Myself… My Last Thoughts Were Still Of That Time In My Life When I Was Happy. That Time I Cant Get Back That I Feel Now Was Wasted On Emotions That Could Never Last EMotions That Weren't Pure. Nothing Ever Mattered So Much To Me But Her. When I Lost Her It Was Like I Had Lost The One Drug That Was Necessary For Me To Live And Breath… No She Was More Than That. She Was My Addiction. She Was More Powerful Than Any Drug I Had Ever Been On. She Was The Drug That Killed Me. If She Hadn’t Left Me I Don’t Think I Would Have Killed Myself. I Don’t Think I Would Have Been Pulled Into This Twisted Hell. This Twisted Tainted Reality.

“If Only You Could See Me Now Isabelle.”