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People
People mean everything to me. Once I care about someone I can never take it back. It seems to me that other people only feel so strongly about family. I grieve when a hypothetical person dies. I feel as if I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Usually when a person says that it is a much less severe second shoe. I feel for half my life I have been waiting for someone I love to die. People say they love their friends. Love them to death. I don't believe them. My old friends, people who have wronged me that I was once close with. I still check up on them, make sure they are ok, truly wish for them to be happy. Even if I say I hate them, it is only because I cared so deeply for them and they betrayed me. Is it wrong that I do not reserve true feelings and care for family members and lovers alone? It kind of bothers me the way people tell me they love me when in reality they appreciate my existence. Possibly that they respect me or like me a lot. Enjoy my company even. They do not love me. How do I know? It has been my experience that people love their families, sometimes despite themselves. They often love someone they have been with a long time in a lover type capacity. Young people do not stray from that pattern. Older people sometimes do. The people they are in life or death situations with, that they have been through a lot with. Those people they sometimes love. I come home and see three people who love me. I go out and I see a dozen who say they love me. They do not mean it and it hurts a little actually a lot. Because in reality I DO love them. Truly and whole heartedly I love them as people.
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