Things have kinda gone down hill. I graduated and didn't go off to school like my friends did, I chose to work and figure my life out first instead of just jumping into the unknown.
That might or might not have been a huge mistake. Sure it let me make money to do things with and travel, go see the people I want to see and other things. I figured it would be a good experience for me. I never thought that my workplace would have more drama than I ever went through in high school. Some of it even has to do with me compared to high school where I just stayed out of it and everything was okay.
For some reason, I can't seem to do that at work. I don't know if its because I can't avoid these people or I just forgot how to block it out. I don't know. But its very stressful and I can't handle stress like I used to.
And that would be because theres a lot of tension at home. Mostly anyway. My parents aren't getting along like they used to, if they used to at all. My dad is taking this 'friend' thing too far with another woman and my mom is at her wits end about it. If I had gone to school, this wouldn't be my problem. I wouldn't be around to deal with it anymore. My sister isn't helping things by putting both of them against each other because one will say she can do something and the other says she can't. That starts a fight. I have no friends in town anymore (Well, I do, but he rarely wants to hang out with me anyway) so I spend most of my time at work or at home online.
Now i'm finding its not as easy to make friends online as it once was. So I'm pretty lonely in that aspect when Nathan's not around. Not many seem willing to talk to me when I try. It gets to me sometimes and makes me extremely anxious. I never used to get like that. Ever. I don't know whats happening to me. Its almost as if that after grad, something snapped. Nothing was normal anymore.
I guess in a sense nothing would be normal because I had no more school. But thats not what I mean, I mean that I don't feel as normal as I used to. Since grad I could feel things kinda slipping out of my grip. Like I had even less control over what I could do about anything. Its the worst feeling in the world.
Where did I go wrong? Was it because I never expanded my circle of friends in real life and thats why I'm finding it hard now? Or have I changed in such a way that i've blocked everyone out? This is probably why I still hold onto Gaia. I stand a chance with people here because they can't judge me personally like people do face to face. I'm just socially awkward and don't know how to interact with people face to face too. I just don't know what to say. I'm constantly worried i'll say the wrong thing and offend somebody...
Well, now that thats out of my system, i'm going to get off here. If anybody went through the trouble of reading this, i'm sorry to waste the 5 or so minutes out of your life. Lol
 Atrocitiesss · Sun Jan 02, 2011 @ 03:48pm · 0 Comments |
