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Now, before I start raving on about my emotions and what's wrong with me and my stupid, petty, insignificant, teenage-minded adult life, I must say that I'm noticing my use of the word 'feel' is insane. I use the term "I feel..." more than anything else when I'm being serious. Also, WTF. 2 JOURNALS IN A MONTH?!

Well, it's summer and I have too much time on my hands. It's the reason I'm writing a ******** gaia journal at 1:00 in the morning. On to what's on my mind.

******** facebook. I hate how I get pinned and judged for saying what's legitimately on my mind. I'm bored and depressed. And, I can't put that s**t on facebook because it's public as ******** and I get s**t from my family about how I need to act my age and stop being depressed and move on. I can't be my true self for the people who feel like checking in on me and my life.

Secondly, I'm so much more torn up than I realized about my recent break up. It's been a week but it feels like it's been a month. I have little to no people to spend time with and every time I see some picture from anywhere of some girl smiling at me, sort of like this, (Be warned, you MAY be offended by what you see) I feel so alone because there's nobody really who can look at me like that with that sort of emotion. You know, that feeling of "I don't wanna be apart from you again." And that was the sort of vibe she gave me. It sucks because I feel like I'll never have that again

It's especially depressing because I always felt the same way. You know, like I appreciated all that compassion, affection, and emotion. Because only a special few people in the world ever feel like that about you. Slower and slower, I keep feeling like I'll never have someone who will have those feeling for me that'll last any sufficient amount of time

So, yes. As you guessed it, this is just one more forever-alone-gaia-journal-that-I-can't-put-on-facebook-because-I'd-get-criticism-from-it gaia journal. I'm still as void and unhappy as I've always been since 2008/2009. It's a really grim feeling of hopelessness and doubt. People always say you gotta find confidence within yourself, but I really just don't see much

Speaking of hope, I was watching anime and got a feel of a theme in human nature that it portrayed: motivation of what you want in the future. As I saw it, I thought of this. We all want to live content, proud, accomplished, happy, or worthwhile lives. But, why? Is it a hope for a brighter future? Is it a desire to be as happy as you can be? Is it a quest for happiness? That's hope. It's the prayer for the best of times. It's you telling yourself, "I'll make my life happy."

On the other hand, are you trying to be happy because you don't want to be sad? Because you don't want to be labeled as useless? Because you don't want to die alone? Sadness sucks. We don't want to lead miserable lives. Well, SOME may, but I don't know any. But, that's the other side of the spectrum. That's despair. It's the dread for the darkest of days. It's wishing that things will turn out well enough that you can say to yourself, "I'm not sad, I'm happy."

Why couldn't I simply say so? Why couldn't I just say this so maybe I can turn some random strangers feelings around? Because ******** FACEBOOK


My main point is, I'm pretty distraught over the recent break-up. I guess I shouldn't say who I was with because some people like internet privacy. Sort of like I do. I know another girl I talked about who did, but we won't go into that. Sigh... I guess finding the right girl who would make me happy and tell me she loves me and who I could make happy isn't so easy to find.... The feeling I have right now is despair....