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Journal Entry 2: Now This is Getting Difficult
This is the point in my journal writing journey where I have the desire to write, the motivation to write, but nothing to write about. Not in the sense of "I can't come up with anything" or "writer's block", but more along the lines of TOTAL BRAIN STRANGULATION. Let me explain:
I have thoughts. Many thoughts. Too many thoughts. So many thoughts in fact, that I can never seem to "bring them to order" so to speak, or really make sense of them. They become so mixed up in my mind that my brain turns into one of those classic fight scenes where everyone is in a jumbled pile, rolling back and forth on the screen, and the only thing you can make out are the occasional heads, feet, and fists. I can literally feel the sensation of rocking back and forth in my mind like this supposed fight is actually happening, and can visualize it, not being able to do a single damn thing about it. I've tried outlines, free writes, those charts where you link words and concepts together, nothing seems to work. I can't get my thoughts untangled. All they want to do is continue to fight each other for dominance, or at least that's what I tell myself in order to try and make sense of my…er…"unique" situation. The irony of it is that because they're so entwined with each other, I can't get a single thought out, at least not without confusing myself or others (which I can assume many of you are right now), because as soon as I say something, everything else falls out with it, becoming nonsensical.
I've tried to keep up with personal journals, you know, to try and make sense of myself and my thoughts? But all I end up doing is scratching out everything or stare at the page. There are probably about 5 or six notebooks lying around my room with a half filled page of chicken scratch and doodles because that's all I could come up with. I mean sure, I could sit here and write essays for school, or write a bunch of bullshit on the internet that I only sort of agree with or support, but I can never really write something genuine, something that represents me as a person. I mean, I have ideas for stories and songs, for critiques and for essays, all of which I want to accomplish, but can never do. I try to bring a thought to light, like, sharing it with people. However, as I try to speak, my throat swells. My skull pulsates. Blood rushes. I choke. Literally. I choke on my own thoughts because it refuses to show itself. I attempt to express myself, I suddenly can't move, can't breathe, and definitely can't think. It's a problem. It's a problem I've suffered with since birth. Is it some sort of mental defect? An illness? A demonic possession? Probably. Although, its not really something that I can or will figure out today, or tomorrow. or the next day. or the next. (Trust me, I've been trying for 20 years, it ain't going away anytime soon). But someday. Someday I will be able to finally write that poetry, or a song or two. Perhaps I'll be able to write a best selling novel like J.K. Rowling and become a mega-millionaire (or not). But for now, this is just another rambling.
 Ech0 B0t · Wed Jan 15, 2014 @ 10:55am · 0 Comments |
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