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The state I'm in right now is total crap: I'm stuck in a room nearly 24/7, my social life is all but totally nonexistent, and my motivations are seriously lacking. I'm pretty sure I've hit a new low in my life, not a total bottoming out but an instance where my thoughts and emotions toy with me in such a way that I've never experienced before. Going through the life experiences I've encountered up to this point seemed to have overrun me and my ability to handle it. I'm burnt out, both medically and just in general.
I've had so many "revelations" of getting over myself, coming up with a plan to fix it, but never able to follow through due to newfound feelings of hopelessness and depression. Finding a job is depressing, the idea to trying to make new friends is daunting, and the thought of my life decisions affecting the rest of my days is overwhelming to say the least. I hate whining and complaining, but it seems to be the only thing I really know how to do, which seriously pisses me off thus furthering my downward spiral. My mind plays vicious games on me, and I'm about ready to pay for a total lobotomy just to have some sort of end to it. This isn't to say that I intend to attempt suicide, but rather have a moment of absolute silence and peace. However, I know that I will never have that peace and quiet without the help of death and/or a vegetative state.
I've realized something about myself over these past few months: that I build illusions in order to hide the void that is my true personality. I don't think I've ever felt true love or friendship (except maybe once in a great while, which never lasted longer than a year). I'm not sure if this means that I have no personality or if I'm just suffering another side affect of my depression, or perhaps some other mental illness that I'm unaware of. I guess it doesn't really matter. I'm still going to put on a mask for others, and pretend that I don't completely hate the world and that the world doesn't hate me. And I've realized something else about myself just now as I'm typing this post: that I have got to be the world's best debbie-downer their is, because no matter what happens in life, I can always find something to b***h about. I actively seek it, because there really aren't truly happy moments. There isn't anyone looking out for me, and there never has been. Everything that has happened to me has to be of my own doing because no one else will take the blame, no matter how much I manipulate their reasoning, and I do manipulate people or try to at least. Not on purpose, but as a mechanism to protect my failing ego.
********, I don't know what I'm talking about anymore.
Screw it. Whatever.
 Ech0 B0t · Wed Feb 19, 2014 @ 01:41pm · 1 Comments |
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