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I'd much sooner throw my phone out my window now than to even dial a single number on it. Only due to the fact too many memories were shared and created by it. Ones I would soon wish to forget for all they do is cause me grief at the thought of them. Sure, they were grand... still are... but gah...

Over. All of what I was trying for the past two or three weeks to hold together is over... I'd much rather remember him for the happiness and moments of pure euphoria he brought into my life than for the short tempers, coldness and distance... And by distance I don't only mean the miles that seperated us. I wish this wouldn't have come to an end like this, though. And people wonder as to why I keep my feelings discreet and hidden... Heartbreak has never been fun, and it hurts more than... a three mile long race on a hilly course, ran in less than 24:30.42 with the rain pouring and getting spiked at the beginning of the race by one of your rivals.
I'd personally take having a broken bone or pulled muscle over the ending of what I thought was a perfect relationship anyday. Hannah says not to blame myself for this... but that's all I can do. What was it that I did wrong? Am I not intelligent enough? Do I not have a good enough sense of humor? Am I not pretty enough? Did I not care enough?


Did I care too much?

I should've seen the 8th of this month coming. But no, I chose to ignore the obvious signs. I wanted to believe that we would never go on a break. I still want to believe that, as pathetic as that may seem. I wanted to believe that this would never end. That somehow... it'd be different from every other god damn couple I ever saw go on break. All of which ended. Nothing ever changes. Nothing ever will. Life eventually moves on, true enough, but why can't we move backwards for once? Why can't I have the happiness I felt nearly four months ago back again?

Because nothing's ever fair in love and war.

There must have been something I did to merit losing one of my best friends. Hell, I'd be lucky if we even remained just friends. But even the slight chance of that being possible quickly faded on Monday night.

Well. I may not want to move on, but I more than likely will have to because nothing between him and I will ever be the same again. I will never be able to call him when I'm upset... or when something is bugging him. Actually, right now, I don't think I ever want to call him again solely for the reason that the voice that once gave me joy, a sense of security, of worth, of anything now would only produce one thing... tears.
The very same voice which will now only procede to haunt my dreams, dreams of days past, of memories that will disappear as time goes on.

Speaking of dreams... The past week, every night in chronological order, I have had a dream about every last guy that I ever truely cared about. And there were only three upon that list... Austin, Matt, Will. Sure, the dreams might have started off well enough... but they all ended the same.... heartbreak, memories, hatred, love lost.... you name it....

I care not for dreams anymore, for all they cause is strife. And when I awake in the morning, they will never become the truth and reality that I so dearly had wanted them to once be. Every morning when I wake up, the first thought is dedicated to all those who matter to me, or to those who don't deserve what they must face everyday.

You know what, this is by far harder than ever for at the least, half of my school is punk.

My List of Priorities (IF you were wondering...):
1. Family
2. School
3. Band
4. Cross Country
5. Friends
6. Relationship (which is quite impossible now)