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So, on to what I really want to talk about: the fact that I've fallen in love, and don't have the slightest idea what to do about it.

First, some background: I've long had a bad tendency to become romantically interested in people I work with. None of these relationships have worked out particularly well; usually, they end after only a handful of dates, and the result is a horrible awkwardness and tension as we try to get along professionally, but really can't stand to be around each other any more. I'm also convinced that these failures are largely my fault; but try as I might, I don't seem to be able to break out of the pattern.

So I've now fallen hard for someone I've worked with for more than a year now, because she's everything I've ever hoped to find: intelligent, outspoken, widely travelled (she's spent a lot of time in Rome, and London, and various points throughout Europe), and incredibly beautiful. The more time I spend with her, the more convinced I am that she's the only person I'd even consider dating, and as someone who tends toward grandiose romantic ideas, I'd like to think she's the one true love of my life.

But there are a few problems... first, she's leaving in late August to attend graduate school, out of state, and I have no idea when I'll see her again. Second, she's got a standing invitation from an old boyfriend to meet him for a date in Rome... and how the hell can I possibly compete with that? Third, I've heard her mention that she's not all that interested in becoming involved with anyone right now, and that she wants to focus on her own life and career.

None of this bodes well for my chances-- I'm eight years older than her, I'm not exactly the most physically attractive prospect (any of you who've bothered to check out the link in my sig and register at my site can attest to this, though at least the profile pic I've got up right now at MB was taken a few years ago and is thus a little more flattering than more recent shots), and my history of dating failures makes me reluctant to take the plunge and actually ask her out. You'd think by this point in my life, I'd have a little more confidence, and wouldn't drift into these sorts of adolescent anxieties; but no, I find myself retreating from the possibility of pain, and I don't really know what the hell to do.

For the last two days, we've been separated by our work assignments, at opposite ends of town (it's hard to explain, but we're both costumed interpreters at Colonial Williamsburg, so where we work changes from day to day); so I haven't even had the chance to talk to her. Part of me feels I have to ask her before she leaves, and not let this opportunity pass me by; but another part worries that I'd compromise a good friendship, for the sake of an impossible dream, and wonders if it's really such a good idea. Right now, I don't know what the hell to do.

Tomorrow, she'll be working less than a block away; so maybe I'll actually find some opportunity. If I'm actually online tomorrow night to write something else in this journal, you'll know my pessimism was justified... xp