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acceptance in the world with a black and white personality? |
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=.O i guess I feel about ranting about how black and white I am...well when I think about it...
anyways...
Iono why but today I was in a, "ARGH DAMMIT!" mood -_____-;; thats not a mood...oh well stare and so 'big brother' [francimari] called while we were in the car back from the mall...I was in a pissy mood and decided to ignore it [I was unreasonably tired, and my other sis leila, she was annoying the hell out of me...stuck up b***h...I always wonder, 'are you sure she's older then me mom?' because she may seem like she is butttttttt...she's stuck up not flexible...etc..] stare my 'big brother' is my other older sister, mikanne [liza]--Liza's bf. he's kewl xD.
anyways...I guess I got in that, 'omfg i'm alone in the world' mood actually O_O WOAH! I thought, "Nee-chan is so lucky she has a guy like that who'd spend $200 for her birthday and is soo nice and all that..." I felt pretty sad, because even though liza acts immature...she's more flexible then me, and funner to be around
when I think about it...
I'm actually really boring, all I am is black and white...theres nothing fun or special about me, I'm not that pretty either, apparently when I straightened my hair it made my nose flat [or so my dad says stare ]
I'm not like all the girls the guys like in the world rolleyes who go shop at hollister or some other store...when i say, "oh...I go to nordstrom [hahaha people think: omfg rich kid DX.] or forever 21 [its nice there O_O...]" I mean just about all the girls shop at holllister, abercrombie, american eagle...-.-; guys would probably stray away from me if they knew i listened to j-pop, j-rock, k-pop or classical music [mostly classical music] or find out I don't watch laguna beach or the OC and find me watching goong or hana yori dango DX...=___= all the guys are set on is those popular pretty girls who shop at hollister and all that...hollister SUCKS =_=;
I'm not too smart either...well math and science...unless I really sat down for five hours and studied rolleyes but even so, I'm pretty stupid...because I can't think of other possiblities, I mean, when I get mad, I'm blind, I cannot see a thing, I do not allow myself to listen to the other side of the conversation, I just go with what I believe...and later on I go, "damn it! I could've smiled and kindly say no!" or something like that...I never think before I speak sometimes...-______________-;;
I'm a hypocrite too, I angrily tell people, "stop thinking about looks, how about the inside--and no you idiot I'm not talking about the organs in someone rolleyes THE PERSONALITY" [some people are stupid enough to think I'm saying organs >.>] when I went off straightening my hair and trying to look pretty...ugh...have I turned vain!????
and I'm against emo yet I go emo rolleyes ironic yes.
I may seem like someone who doesn't procrastinate at all, but recently I have been...not recently...more like in April..I got rather lazy and began doing my homework later in the day [I found it really annoying and yet i did it scream scream ] or even in the morning...now I can see why my math grade went from a perfect A to a B... rolleyes
and sometimes, people ask me to draw them things and I slack off and never do it...like for instance, I told my friend I'd outline something for her, and I'd color it too [just because I had fear she'd ruin it O_O] and a year later I still haven't done it stare crying
I'm not someone that people can depend on...no wonder I'll never be leader material or even get a boyfriend ever rolleyes
I'm not a great friend either, for one thing, i'm not the best person to depend on because I'm a loser ._. and I don't know I feel like a bad friend, even though I hate this girl's guts now [well not really...just can't forgive her for wasting musics time and my time like that] i feel so bad for not knowing that she didn't want to play the clarinet..at the same time i think its stupid because the reason why she didn't like it is because people put her down -_- tch. But I'm just a really bad friend, I realized how selfish i truly am. Maybe I felt bad about being a bad friend was because of her
I didn't know that she had to walk from the gas station or shang hai palace [the restaurant that broke down ._. ] all the way to her house...after every lesson
^[takes ten minutes by car]
I feel I was using her so I could say "I taught someone"...i'm a ugly person, i have a ugly personality
sure i may sound nice...but i'm a stuck up b***h, I'm spoiled at times and really selfish too. Like during summer school these guys threw this girl...litterally threw her from a table to the ground...and i stood there with shock...i wanted to help but i was scared I'd be made fun of...how selfish of me...i hate it, hillary says I could change--I told her i was scared that her and my other friends would come to hate me if I changed...but she said that it would never happen...=_____________= even so...
I have the ugliest personality in the world not to mention the most boring personality...when I think about it...i'm like those annoying girls no one like...
I can never shield myself if I am put down about my music skills, I can never laugh and ignore it...I let it get to me..I can't help it =_=
I'm competitive and its apparently unlady like to be competitive -_-;;
I'm pretty boring because all that runs through my head is music, which losers in the world find boring to talk about...I can talk about anything but end up saying something about music because thats all thats interesting..about me...-___-;;
I'm real critical when it comes to the arts [especially music], just now I was listening to this girl Laura Arden play copland's clarinet concerto on a CD...I was saying everything negative about it [well its reasonable....right after listening to sharon kam play it like a bunch of times??????] if anyone is reading this and is oddly curious to know what I have to say about this girl then go on and PM me or something -____-;
but I was down right negative about it...like when I was critisizing the vienna phil
-I personally think its kind of dragging...
-in the rondo movement they sound too slow and the strings don't sound all too excited...ruins the feeling =___=
-hm....I'd like the clarinet to play with a bit more excitement too...it sounds really boring o_O; its all black and white DX
-the rondo movement sorta sounds like a battle between the lonely clarinet (whose oddly happy and jumpy) against the whole orchestra--its a pretty fun experience but they don't seem to get it -_-
people get offended if I comment them like that...oh god i'm being a hypocrite again
-___-
with my personality
I wonder if people will accept me?
I wonder if zan would accept me
I wonder if my friends would be my friends 20 years from now
I even wonder if my clarinet would accept me rolleyes stupid to say but, how dare some people think of instruments as a object...a musical machine...=_= it angers me...for music is passion its not just full of a theory and scales and all that >_>. Will my clarinet accept me...? For it doesn't seem to be accepting me right now -_-
would stuart, my own clarinet teacher accept me as a musician when I'm older?
would juilliard accept such a girl with a crooked personality...all though i must say the violinist are scarier then i could ever be...
would the world accept a musician like me? or will i be thought of like the other clarinetist I hear...those who weren't as successful as sharon kam or sabine meyer or some other musician. I had wished to surpass sharon kam...sabine meyer...to be the best clarinetist...but the world doesn't accept a terrible clarinetist who holds terrible skill and a terrible personality
would he (=.=!pig) accept an idiot, whose not pretty and has a rather boring personality?
back in sixth grade, after months of being blind [more like i didn't have enough guts] I finally rejected this guy who was like...inlove with me rolleyes -_- because he didn't try to see me for who I am, he didn't try to understand. I want a guy who would see my faults but like me anyways but always point it out and make me a bit mad...its so stupid but...atleast he'd see me for what i really am -_-;
----edit 7.17.06 6: 24 am----
I had a utterly horrible dream my clarinet teacher died...or maybe it was a thought i had before i went to sleep, I don't know. But in the dream he left me his custom made clarinet and his A clarinet too...
but...it was horrible... emo what if that did happen if real life??? I really respect my teacher alot, he's the best clarinet teacher I've had [I've had three clarinet teachers before him...so i know] and he's turning out to be like a friend too...i'd be crushed if he died.... cry argh...
-miyoko
 Chocolate ish Good · Mon Jul 17, 2006 @ 05:36am · 1 Comments |
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