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Where did that upbeat clarinetist go? The one that... |
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Never failed to have musicality, the one that understood music.
I wonder where she went? I look at myself sometimes wondering who I am exactly...crazy...but, when I look at myself at school, I'm laughing and acting like a crazy idiot [not really...] when I walk into a class room I'm utterly quiet and get to work immediately. Then in band pride overlfows within me about my band, I loosen up a bit...but in the end I stare at the music with determination...
but there are days, when I stare at it, no determination...a powerless girl..
there is a me, with the clarinet, and a me without it..
Without the clarinet I am weak and powerless, a nobody. I am scared to open up like I do when I hold the clarinet. Without it, I feel like your average girl at school.
Musicians are supposed to always feel like they have their isntrument in their hands...it truly shows love to show your instrument, everybody, that you are someone in the world as though still holding it in your hands feeling proud
I just don't know...the truth is, I have felt like quiting, chelsea laughing like hell when she heard I wanted to go to Juilliard [she wants to go there for dancing..] she said, "Uh sorry but they only accept pure talent girl, you have none" I tried to deny such words but couldn't. Mito was right, dedication doesn't neccesarrily [god see i can't even spell anymore] make a good player. All I have to cover me is dedication and the will...but..sometimes I feel like I have nothing; I feel like I wasted musics time...
I felt like I was some big car crash that was wasting my teachers time from getting to one place from another. I feel like I put him down, I disappointed him...I always wonder why he never said his famous quote, "I'm not mad! I'm just disappointed!" he should have, because it was downright terrible...
I love music, I can interpret alot of things, explain exactly how to think in one piece and everything...but he actually said, "you didn't have enough musicality" I felt like I was kimberly, no musicality, just blowing into the clarinet...and I didn't even understand the most simple analogy...the most simple picture he was trying to give for the cadenza...he said I improved the fastest and of his students had in 20 years [well..he didn't say 20...he said in a longgg time] but...I feel only a tiny bit improvement since then.
Thats whats keeping me down, and the fact its no use to settle for first chair, mr. acciani values kimberly for no friggin reason when she doesn't value music itself. I still can't believe mr. acciani to this day about that...
=__=
 Chocolate ish Good · Thu Jul 20, 2006 @ 02:22am · 1 Comments |
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