Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

is it odd for a person to hount you after they have gone but haven't really left? to love some one even when they've passed you by? regardless of all the hurt feelings, anger, sarrow & heart ach? right now I'm unstable & I know it.. I'm done looking for pitty but I've got to get this out some were so why not here. today hasn't exactly been all that great. I couldn't sleep untel some time in the morning passed out untel I was woken up to take out the dogs, dotaled around for a bit, did a bunch of chores, watched a movie & then got on the all mighty comp. for the most part thats the avrige way my days go. yes I know I'm a lazy slacker. for the most part me & a person who I will refer to as the unamed one have been broken off for a long wile now... I don't know why I'm so attached to them & right now I wish I wasn't...or wasn't able to funtion. last night all I could dream about was Him... I had a few really weird dreams... but the one that sticks out in my mind is were I'm out with a friend & go off to a place & see him & some uberly beautifull chick getting it on on the coutch. (takes little dager & trys to camit hari kari). I want to forget the guy exsised & leave him & the person he's now in love with to be happy together. I can't take this & I'm not going to sleep for a long wile now because that dream savearly disterbed me. plus the fact that when I talked to him later he said some things that re-opened that same damn wound. it also bothers me some of the stuff he asked of me.. & couldn't see that it had been done.. but thats old news. if pounding your head on a tree & sleep deprivision don't work... i'm in a lot of trouble here... at times this is more painfull than anything I've ever gone though... I'm not sure how much of this I can bear. I need to just break away from everything & can't do it. I feel so replaceable & like I meant notheing to him... & yet they're are still those feelings... I want to die... or just go into a coma... but I just don't have the courage to do eather... I know I shouldn't think this but I can't help feeling like it would be better if i hadn't even come here in the first place. (smacks self) man I've got to stop myself from getting deppresed... but it seems I'm in my little sycle of pain again... sence no one else is gonna chear me up I guess I'll go back into deniel & try to seem all happy when I'm actuly dieing inside.. or I could just openly ware the feelings for a bit & deal with them. though it seemed when we we're together when ever I got depressed he's just abondone me... it's a pleasent feeling being upset & hurting & then droped on your a**.... gonk

mood: well i'm not sick but i'm not well...
Song: Jimmy eats world- pain.. or probably more acuritly I gotta get though this.
" I gotta get through this
I gotta take my, take my mind off you

Give me just a second and I'll be all right
Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart
Give me 'til tomorrow then I'll be okay
Just another day and then I'll hold you tight

When your love is falling like the rain
I close my eyes and it falls again
When will I get the chance to say I love you
I pretend that you're already mine
Then my heart ain't breaking every time
I look into your eyes"