Why do people always get more sad as it gets later? It's almost like they just start thinking more. Sometimes it makes sense, sometimes it doesn't.
Anyways though, I've noticed I tend to get bad at night on occasion. Tonight was one of those nights, though I've had crashes before. This isn't a crash. It's just a mood. And what I'm typing just went in a circle I think making very little sense from what I intended to say. I probably need rest.
And I don't even know if my family member is still alive or not. A couple of nights ago I think it was, I heard my parents still talking about it and I think I caught what sounded like my mother saying I shouldn't have to go through this, so don't tell me anything more. It was unclear who she was talking about, but I could only assume it was me. I havn't been told anything since that anyways, so like I said, I don't even know if she's still alive. I did catch my father though talking about how if he ever has something like that happen to him, that even though we care he says thanks, but let him die instead of going through with it. Something about how I heard them talking about it makes me think she did die. But hell we all saw it coming. I'm just saying. Tuesday in school was weird just because it crossed my mind in band and I started having a difficult time. There's just not no more to do. I barely talked to her for all my life, I regretted, I was sad, and it's hard to feel alright mourning when you arn't even sure they're gone entirely, though in a sense she was already. And I don't even know how my Grandmother would be doing right now. She visited her mother every day, so I don't even know what to expect there but it has to be tough on her.
Oh and I'm questioning a few things outside of this. One is not so important and only confusing while I continue to figure it out which will only take time, lots of time until the answer just comes. I sort of seem to hope it doesn't though.
The other stuff is just how my mind wanders so much all the time and thoughts move through my head almost like day dreaming but not. And they arn't happy thoughts. I almost feel ashamed that my mind concocted the scene or scenes that just played through it and I wonder if I'm just a sick person. They arn't sick thoughts, just stuff I don't think a normal person should be seeing in their free time thoughts. No it's not mature content. I never cared about that. It's just disturbing for me. It always has been, and always will. I never ever talked about it. Maybe mentioned it, but didn't talk. I don't recall mentioning it though, so I just did. Someday I'll get past that too.
So I'm inbetween. I wouldn't mind if I could find something to be happy about and hold that feeling tight, or being so massively depressed I bawl myself to sleep. But I can't really get either of those, or anything else for that matter... for this whole post. But I only can post these things when I get... this way. I like to say emotionless. It suits. It's numb... but normally when I say numb it hurts. It doesn't. It feels, I can't describe it. I could pretend to be anything right now and probably play it well, but still it wouldn't be real. I could probably trick myself though and think it is.
Just call this post a stream of conciousness. It had no meaning, use, whatever. Maybe I'm killing time, or maybe I just like to keep my fingers moving on the keyboard since it's so easy to do without thinking about it and only the words. Maybe I had something to vent about though that I don't feel right now but normally would. Maybe I'm trying to tell people something. I don't know the answers to these questions. It could be all of those, it could be none. It's just... here.
And very long winded. *cuts the stream off*
I must say though at the end, that all of the time I vent it looks the same, and probably is the same old thing I always say at one point or another.It may be the same, but saying it over and over again if it is, may be helping. I don't know. Each time I say it though, it feels new. I don't know why I wrote this. I don't plan to erase it, I don't plan to block people from it, and I don't plan to want to see responses. I almost don't care, but do. Yeah I don't give a s**t my body is empty tonight.
Mockyru Community Member 
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