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as I was taking my shower tonight, it made me think, as usual, about a lot of things, not very pleasant things though..... I thought about how I belong in an assylum, or so I've been told, thought about how I'm different, how even my closest craziest friends will sometimes look at me with an alarmed expression, as though they fear for their lives, and say "Megan, you aren't normal" or something along those lines.... I thought about how I've always relished in the fact that I was different, people new who I was, even if it wasn't for good reasons, *or good in the "normal" thought* and I loved that I didn't have to follow the crowd, that I was an individual...but, sometimes...I wonder why? why do I like this? why do I want so badly to be different? and that leads me to wonder, what if? what if I was normal? what if I was born as someone else, else where other then where I am now, other then who I am right now.... what if so many things, and sometimes, I think...maybe, if I changed, life would be easier, but then I wonder if that's what I want...I wonder, do I really wish to change myself? to go against everything I've ever stood for? be a faceless drone in the large army of mindless zombies, all following the few on top, the puppeters who pull all the strings... and thinking about this all reminds me of when I was little...and this weird... feeling, I used to get, it scared me, so much, it happened when I was doing some deep thinking, a bit advanced for my age...and it was as though I had become detatched from my body, as though my mind was elsewhere, and I was looking at my body from a different place, the questions would start to buzz in my head, and it was so scary, like I was dieing....and I had to concentrate very hard, had to think to myself, scream to myself, that I was Megan, I was who I am, and eventually, I'd make it back, I'd breath heavily...and then I'd wonder.... if I really was Megan...I never got any further though, cause I was to scared to continue with the thought process..... but as I think this all through, I wonder, what would happen if I changed myself, to fit in with the norm, and became what I have always hated and despised....would I be able to go back, after I took a peek at what it would hold for me? would I be able to live with myself if I did it? what would happen to my friends....what would happen to my mind.... what would happen to me...? One of the things that I thought of while I was in my shower, was that, people tell me my mind is deteriorating, and that I get crazier every day, but, I tell them that it is their mind that is going, not mine, mine is growing wider and wider, bigger and bigger, sucking in everything, absorbing all the information possible, while they just get more and more narrow minded each day...they just see the world the way they are told to, by their cliques, and their friends, family, society in general.... do I want to lose my hard earned mind? this is just a typical thing that I think about in the shower....I don't know why I wrote about it though.....