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Pain.
I feel as though reality has just struck me a harsh killing blow to my heart. Right now, I've never known despair such as I feel now.
Maybe I've been lost in Dreamland for too long. Trying to escape the problems of my reality through not thinking about anything. I feel so hurt. So very very hurt.
Knowing that its all over hurts more. Knowing that you won't come back hurts deeper than anything.
I don't care if it was for the best. Sometimes I just didn't feel like there was love there. Then you would always surprise me somehow, and I'd love you allthemore....
It just makes me want to cry. And cry and cry until I can't cry anymore. But you asked me to be strong... and I shall try. Until something smashes into my chest and rips this emotional barrier open. It makes me wonder sometimes if you ever loved me at all. Maybe I was blind, I don't know. I told you everything, shared all I ever could with you. I just wish it could have been the same for you. I wish I could have been there to help. Because you always seemed so hurt. But you never let me near. You never let me help. I always said I was there. But you never opened up to me. I hardly ever felt close to you. There's no closeness without communication. And it just got harder and harder to speak to you as the months went by. How many times has it been that you reduced me to tears? I don't know. Many times. Each time a bitter stab to my feelings.
If you ever come back, will I be able to accept you? I'm just so afraid now. Afraid that what happened twice will happen again. That you'll push me away. That you'll be hurt by every word that I say. That you'll manipulate the situation so everything is my fault. Is this how you feel better about your own problems? By hurting me? Sometimes I think you don't give a s**t about me at all. And it hurts. It hurts so bad. I wish I knew why you changed. Wish I knew what happened to the boy I loved back then, last year. Back when it truly felt you loved me in return. I just wish I had those times back again. Where I could feel safe and secure with you. Where I wasn't afraid to ask a question for fear that you'd snap at me. I just want those times back. I just want to be loved by you, and love you in return. Just want to be close to you, trust in you, know you trust in me.
What will I do if you ever come back...?