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Ch'ello my loving fans.
I need a hug. Badly.
Because I think I've reached that thin thin borderline. That same thin thin boerderline that marks the point of insanity.
So I beg you all to refrain from any of my serious, depressive, emo rants. Because you'll start seeing those a lot more sooner or later, as I have nowhere nor nobody to vent my problems on.
I don't want to bother you with them afterall...
So basically, I'm having a period of reality attacks. And when these come up, they hurt and scald more than anything.
Because everyone I love doesn't love me. So there. Who knows, maybe I've cracked already. I don't know for sure. Just please please please please PLEASE.
Don't comment in any future insanity rants. Not unless you have something verrrrryyy important to tell me.
So onward anyway, I might be immigrating. Therefore bringing me to America. Therefore bringing me closer to the one who I do not wish to encounter. Therefore making me doubtful. Therefore making me want to speak to him. Therefore bringing back all the memories of everyone who disapproved of us. Therefore bringing up every single person who told me he wasn't worth it. Therefore causing me pain. And whenever I think about it, it seems to hurt more and more. Everytime it comes up, it scalds and burns far worse than the previous time. And I thought it would be the other way around. I should just be getting number and number, but for some strange reason, I'm not.
I think this marks insanity.
Sure its easy to hide behind something for a while, whether it be Nintendogs, Zelda or Castlevania. But the feeling is still there. I guess I just enjoyed being loved too much...
But was I ever loved? That's the question I should be asking. Did he ever care? It seemed so at first. Then things just slowly fell away and we tried to hold it all together and failed....
You didn't even try and work something out. I wish you would have listened. But then again, listening wasn't your strong point, was it. Running was. Fleeing your problems. hoping they'd go away and fix themselves. And there I was, sitting at my computer practicaly begging you to let me help... but no, you never did. I was just a useless burden to you, just someone you could vent all your pain and anger on. Did it make you happy? Hurting me? Making me cry for hours on end each night because I'd asked you such a simple question only to have it evaded and turned on me, so it was my fault? I guess Erika was right. You were such a d**k to me, I don't know why I stayed with you. but then again, I loved you. With all my heart and soul. You never understood that, did you?
It just makes me worry about immigrating and all. Whether I should contact you or not. Start everything over, because it will be so much easier seeing you in person... But would you even want to see me? Do you even want to know me? Will you ever have time for me? If I bothered asking, you'd evade all my questions again...
I want to leave NZ, I really do. I preferred America over it, insane as it sounds. My closest friends are over the sea... and its where I want to work when I leave school...
But there will always be that thought lingering there. And that one little thought will just upset me. So I don't know if I want to go. And there's all those complications and preparing and whatnot.

I just wish things would sort themselves out. but no, they never do...