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I cried about four times, which for me is alot. All because of the boy I love. Afraid that he will leave me. When I think about it I want to cry again, because he is the one that keeps me alive and hoping for me each day. He makes me happy, I want to change. I feel so alive when I am with him.

I want to see him in person, to be with him forever. He is the one I most care about and the thought of losing him and drifting away from life scares me. He is my life and with out him I fall apart. I almost lost him because of my constant pressuring that I didn't realize. I want to make it up to him but I don't know how. I wish it was easyer even though its not.

All I ever do is care for people but they never care truly enough about how I could care for them. With out this one boy I would be dead right now. I don't think he is better then me or more good, I feel like he is the same as me and that is why he completes me. There was another boy though whom he loved just as much but I was more then the other. I want to be enough as he says I am. The one thing I have trouble with is trust and I want him to be faithful to me as much as he can. Because I know if its him then everything will be alright in the end. I won't be alone anymore.

For all my life I felt lost and afraid. But he makes me feel so much. Everything in life got brighter when he came into my life. I want him forever, but I want him to love me only. I know that seems selfish but after everything I been through I think I deserve it and I want it more then all the world. I know I can give him a loving nice family that cares. I know I can give him my heart and soul because I trust him with it and knowing he loves me the same back. Even though what he did hurt me very badly, I forgive him because I love him and I don't care, just so long as he is faithful to me this time. I want it all with him and I know he wants it all with me but he needs to see that there are limits in friendship, and he needs to see how much feeling he has for me as where he doesn't have any feelings for other people other then having the caring ability to help them in life. I want him to count on me and not other people, for trust to bring us closer together.

At least I know hes not going off with thousands of other boys and stuff touching them and whatever for his own pleasure violating my trust. I don't have a problem with his friend either, just so long as he keeps his distance. But one way or another his friend needs to get over the fact that there is someone out there for him, he just hasn't found him yet.

I believe that I have found mine and I really want to keep that faith alive that he is the one for me. This in its self goes back to the promise I made to my own self. I will stop loving because of my past if it isn't with this boy...I just feel that way for going through so much, giving and never getting anything back. I know that my boyfriend loves me cuz if he didn't he never would of chose me in the first place when this all happened. I think it would be different if he didn't love me and I could get over it really quick but he does and that means if he leaves I won't have anything because he is the only that ever truly loved me like I love him. I believe true love rests not only within one person but two and its not love unless both feel the same for each other. So for his friend, I hope he finds the person he is meant to be with. I just hope that he doesn't try to take my love away...


I hate choices like this where people suffer, it kills me inside alot. This is the first time anyone has ever done this for me because they really love me. I just want it to stay like that with no problem and know that he will be faithful to me and not cheat on me ever again. It is my fear and I will stick to it until I know the truth that he will never go back to the other boy because the next time it happens...I may not be able to stand it. He is the only one who gives me purpose to live and as long as he is with me I will always hope.

Thanks to a friend, whom is also my exboyfriend...he helped me find that hope inside. I just hope its enough because I know he cares about me alot even though we arn't together anymore. It just feels different in a way...but the one thing I know is that I want to be with the one I have now forever and if not forever then not at all and then...thats it and I am done. No more love or anything for me, I am tired of going through all these men to never find a single one that fits me because he is the only who does. Not to mention that I'm not attracted to any other boy but him. eek

-Sigh- I just want it all to be over so I can love in peace and harmony again with him.


I ******** LOVE HIM AND I WILL DO ANYTHING TO KEEP THAT ALIVE BECAUSE WITH OUT HIM I LITERALLY HAVE AND AM NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! stressed gonk cry