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I've stopped caring, at least, I don't want to care anymore. I'm done trying. I'm done helping, caring, and loving. I'd rather go back to the way I was where there is no emotion, no pain, no hurt, no love, joy or rapture. Nothingness. All there is, is just emptiness. When I'm empty, I can't fall down. I function the best because nothing is expected. When it's dark is when I can truly see others and the world for what it really is because I’m not blinded by the false hope and happiness that lingers within the light. I can see myself for who I really am. Darkness is fear and fear is truth.

I’ve been driven to the brink of Oblivion, almost breaking the barrier of insanity; true insanity. The heathen darkness has consumed me. Black is my soul as my heart has stopped and my mind is free from these lies. Hope is fleeting. Light is false. Nothing is left for me. Some see me as weak or crying out for attention. They see me as pathetic or they’re disgusted with me or mad because I’m wallowing in self-pity, but I cannot help it; or I just won’t. I’ve tried talking myself through it, along with talking to others and even though I know they understand, I still don’t believe they do. I don’t believe they do because I still don’t understand myself. I think that even if you go through the same thing as others, the pain and hurt is still somehow different. Two people can go through the same type and amount of trauma, grieve in the same way, yet the pain will still be different. No other person can ever know your true perception of pain or any other emotion for that fact.

My dreams have been drowned by the reptilian nightmare, choked and void of all living breath which would normally symbolize any shreds of hope or faith. I have had suicidal, homicidal and even genocidal tendencies. These urges have been kept locked up and quiet for sometime but now I fear that they will break through my mental safe and overpower me to a point in which I will deeply regret something I will have done.

I am slowly being devoured. I can no longer function around those who I knew as friends. We have slowly broken away. Soon, I will be unable to function in normal society without somebody asking me on an hourly basis ‘what is wrong?’ I put up a front because I live for my friends. I make sure their happiness comes before mine but that too is slowly fading. My life has wilted like the black rose. Soon, I will not just look down in pity as I seclude myself in my tiny little vase, but I will be thrown out like so much garbage and not be given’ another second’s thought. So I want to break away first and not deal with the suffering of that before it happens. Although, I can’t complain. I deserve it. I’ve done something wrong that has lead to this or perhaps it was the others around me. In either case, the damage is done and I’ve put too much effort into trying to re-build and turn what is messed up around. My efforts are futile. My prayers have fallen on deaf ears and my gestures on blind eyes.

To say this world is unfair is like giving Lucifer the title of ‘thief’. The understatement is so precise that it’s laughable. I find it funny that when I call this world unfair, I always get the same answers. “But you have to deal with it.” They say with a cheerful smile as if it’s a joke. “It’s worth it in the end.” “It’ll get better.” The optimism makes me want to puke.

My forced seclusion is the only thing that will save me and save others from me. It’s all I have anymore. I lived in it for well over 7 years and I was… fine, not happy, just fine. I understood everything within my years alone because I had no outside interference. I had no emotion. And now that I’ve tasted true emotions, I realize that I cannot function normally with them. Emotions only destroy. That is all I have learned from them.

It’s now that I realize that I’ve been putting on a show all these years and that I guess I’m a pretty good actress, but my 15 minutes in the spotlight have come and gone and I’d like to retire from this B movie called life.

My final conclusion is: I will no longer hurt others or be hurt. I will just… be.

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