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Hello
It's been a long time, since I last posted in here.
If your wondering about the meaning of this title, you'll find out later on in the entry. No, I didn't go anywhere, nor did any of my friends or family; so no, it does not mean that.
I'll finish up. where my last entry left off, so you can have a update
ninja Ninja Face Random Thought
I know it's been a while since I've done this, but I was just thinking on how the way I write in my journal. I adress my writings as if I'm directly talking to the reader. I'm not writing to any particular person or audiance. I think it just makes it easier to put my thought down, if I write as if I'm talking to someone.
Yes this is random thought, but this is what this column is for. wink
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Anyways, I've been meaning to make an entry to say what I did next, but there was just so much to do, with graduation, AX, Practicing for the Debu, and not to mention, life in genertal and sleeping. So thats why.
Most of you who read this already knows what happened, since I see you almost everyday in the real world and are well invovled in my life whee .
So, I did go through with it, I told him, I believe a week or so later after I wrote the journal entry confused .
I said that I liked him and would he consider going out with me. I was a complete nervous reck, shaking, figiting with my fingers, I couldn't even look him in the face; I looked at the ground and trash can, practally the whole time redface . I said that I didn't want to presure him into a relationship, since I know how that feels, and I told him to take his time to think it over. He then said that he knew that I was going to say that, by the way I was moving my hands and my body language, he teased me a bit by when I said that I didn't want to pressure him, he screamed out "Ahh Pressure!" while holding his hands to his head. After my mumbling confession he said that it was a hard decision and that he'd think about it.
Well I waited and waited and waited and ..............To this day I've gotten no response what so ever! He's never mentioned it again. gonk *head hits desk*
I've haven't helped the situation any better though. I haven't brought it up since either. *head hits desk, donk* I didn't want to bother him about it, and I thought that it was his move now, since I already put the ball in his court (figurative language) . I've done my part.
I feel even more awkard with him, since I don't know what he's thinking gonk . I personally think he forgot about everything confused .
That or he doesn't want to hurt my feelings by letting him down, so it's much eaiser to just ignore it and put it off, by not mentioning it.
I didn't expect this reaction at all  .niether did anyone else.
Yes I expected rejection, but not saying anything at all eek eek
My brain is killing me with curiosity  . scream What in the world is he thinking! The "what if" question pops up a lot too. I think that he doesn't like me the same way, beacuase if he had, he would have grabbed at the opportunity to.
I haven't really talked him since either, or if I do it's just something for the dancing practice or hi/bye.
I try to act as nonchalant around him as possible, so it doesn't seem that the questions are popping up in my head. I say to myself not to think about, concentrate on what your doing, but that seems to only make it worse.
I want a reaction of some sort, anything,as long as he acknowlages it. I want to move on, I want to know how to act around him, but I can't find my answer and move on, with the "what if" question still aimlessly floating about.
Like I said this reaction threw me for a loop surprised confused .
I don't know whether to say anything to him, or to let it go, or what?
surprised Suggestions would be helpful, please.
My home life isn't the best right now either. My apartment is completely messy, not discusting messy, but messy. There's stuff every where, things incomplete. I use to try really hard to keep it going, but with no one helping me, I got frustrated and fed up. Now I don't want to do anything, my attitude has changed. I have intentions to clean, but when I have the time, I don't do anything.
My life feels so sureal at times. I'm either really busy or sleeping, or doing nothing dazing out. Thoughts of my Mom pop up all the time. I try to think what she would do , if she were still alive. I crave her advice, like a hungry person looking in on a restraunt. I want to know if what I'm doing is right, I want some reasurance in my life. I miss hearing "Welcome home! How was your day?". recently I been coming home to an empty house or really, apartment. Even if my Dad or my sister is home, I get no greeting, no acknowlagement of me entering. No one asks me about practice, about anything. The only reason they know anything, is because I tell them, I intiate the conversation, because I'm dying to talk to someone, to share with someone about how my day went for that day. When Mom was alive, I use to talk to her everyday, practically the whole day if ther was time. As soon as I got in the car, I'd be blabing about what I saw, did ,or was think at the time, and she would actually be intrested and responed to me. It wasn't a one side conversation either. She would ask me question, put in her opinion about it, then she would automatically or usually I would ask her "how was your day?", "how was work?", and she would proceed on talking about how it was. I loved listening to her talk, I loved putting my two-sence in, I loved talking in depth about what we thought and how we felt. God I crave it all back.
The conversations were so natural, so fluent. I hid nothing from her, nor could I, since she was so intuned to me. She knew me like a book. No topic was really off limits. I felt safe talking to her. She gave me no judgement, she would put her opinion in, but she never judged me. I could relax, be myself. Not that I don't act myself all ready, but this was so comfortable, a santuary really. Home was a santuary, my and my mom's soft place to land on at the end of the day. Now with the heart of the home gone, it's not the same, another thing I miss. I now try to avoid going home at times. Really at times the only reason to go back is to shower, my stuff is there, and to sleep, which at times I don't even get that.
I miss the simple everyday things, like going to the market, or going to pay bills at various shops Ex: Target Jcpennys, etc. , or just going out on the spare of the moment trips, and I don't mean like to disneyland or the movies or anything like that, I mean going to Biglots or just driving somewhere just to check it out. Even when we do that, which is very rare now, it's luster is not the same. I think it's because when my mom did it we would talk, nothing imparticular; it could have been as random as "look at that cat cross the street, it looks like it belongs to someone. Oh did you here about the new law about pets? Yeah I did..." and so on and so forth, you get the picture.
I know it sounds weird, but it was fun, theraputic, adventursome, everything seeming as a wonderful new discovery, with even the basic things seeming to have it's own luster, it's own majestic glory. It could be the mountain, or the way the street light flickered, or the simplicity of the street sign, or a shabby house off the side of the rode, everything was intresting.
This still remains intacted for me, thank god. I've been this way since I was very young as far back as I can remember, which is 3yrs old. I get excited and awed very easily, I'm pretty entergetic and goofy by nature. I could ponder on things, images and thought for a very long time, and be content. My Mom was the same, we could share this together.
I didn't understand at the time, when my Mom would say thank you for always asking how her day went, when she came home; and I didn't understand why she was so greatful, not that I belittled it, but to me it seemed so natural to automatically say"welcome home how was your day?', that I thought it was a given.
Now I understand why she was so greatful for it. How preacious it is to hear "Welcome Home!". You may think I'm over exaggerating, or silly, but it's like the old saying says "you don't miss it till it's gone" .
Think about it, and maybe when you come home or a love one comes home, how simplistic, yet so effective it is to say/ to recieve "Welcome Home, how was your day?'
Thats all for now, I think I'll leave it as that.
Bye whee
Ok, I helped out Peyo. Will restore sig later. Right now I'm gonna induldge in my current fandom!  USxUK ftw!  TrigunCat4 · Sun Jul 08, 2007 @ 05:27pm · 1 Comments |
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