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self abuse

You take it, and you take it
And you learn,
You learn all too well,
So that later, when there's nobody to dish it out,
You can punch yourself in the gut
And take it some more.

The best part is,
With training and practice,
You learn your own soft spots and weaknesses,
So that you become your own best tormentor.

Double up over the pain and swallow.
It'll still be there tomorrow,
Waiting for you.

distance

I pull it around me like a cloak
And watch youthrough its folds
It muffles every word and gesture
Every move I make
If you were to strike me
I would feel shadow-blows
If you were to hold me
I would feel shadow-comfort
My distance is my security
But its refuge is cold and numb



Sharp


Have you ever curled yourself
Around a razor blade because
The cold bite and sharpened
Tang were all you could feel
And it was better than
Feeling nothing?


Trust


My trust is a child's rag doll
Torn to pieces and thrown to the ground
Glass eyes staring at uncaring hands
Bright patchwork dress trampled and stained
Stuffing-substance leaking to the wind
Smiling broken at the shining blue sky


Communication


We sat outside
under the awning, watching
people walk by
half-bundled against the wind
"I'm scared," she said
under the directionless light
filtered through clouds
and a smell of rain to come
"Thank you for the coffee," she said
I could tell she wanted to say more
afraid to reach out
afraid of my reaction
just afraid, and hurting,
she tried
I tried too,
spoke of memories and plans
museums and mountains
cross-country travel
all of which she soaked up,
both of us trying so hard
Bleeding our fear and pain into
the cold hazy afternoon
she hugged me
goodbye

Fear


My fear is a small black lizard
Coiled in my guts
Cold enough to ache
When it stirs
It bares its teeth
And reminds me how easily
It can turn to pain