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Fear is alive in me when everyone else is asleep. It's the thing in me that keeps me awake into the late hours when it seems my whole purpose is in some dream world far from they keyboard and the computer (the only place I seem to be worth two cents).
I look on my friendslist to see no one awake who I really know (though lots of bright smiley faces whom don't concern me) and even the neopets forums are slowing, like they're posting through pools of jello.
For these few hours, my life is still. This is the first time in a while I've stood here alone, without annoyance, guilt, or some other project reserving me for something else. For once, the mental image of my life is gone, and silent, and dark. There's nothing around. Nothing left living for. It seems that for now my life has stopped, and the nothingness is as close to death I'll probably get while I'm still awake and not dead at all. It's frightening. I hate this feeling of being alone. I hate feeling like I've got nothing to do, no one to do anything for. The feeling is awkward on me, and there's this sadistic corner of my brain that convinces me that I'll someday end up like this: alone, with no one. This thought is what's most frightening of all.
Why I don't go to sleep and let it end, I know. This calmness is terrifying, but tomorrow is worse. Tomorrow the pulse of my life will pick up, and again I'll be cramming for finals and helping people out. My life will return to me, become about me again instead of this feeling, but as soon as I get it back I'll just give it away. I'm so out going, and I shove my personality in the faces of others, but in the end it's just a disguise of a way to get rid of myself. I'll take the luggage of others, but they have to carry me. And even though I'm not helping at all, the stress is still there.
I'm afraid my mind is going blank, and this also scares me. It's been happening more lately. Have I finally started getting rid of this monstrosity I call myself? I'm afraid I'll lose myself just when I need me most, and then I'll be like this, in a perpetual midnight forever.