"I wish we could all go back. I wish we were all just kids again."
I get those random days where my mind suddenly starts walking down memory lane, and then sometimes they are not so random, like when someone mentions something to me in the past, and my mind just wanders from there. So much has happened over the past eight years, going on nine years for me this December, and I am shocked with how much I remember of it all, but also shocked at what all I have forgotten.
Over the course of these past eight years, I have met dozens of amazing people, and had great times with those people. I have loved, I have lost, and I have loved again. I have been through a lot physically, and a lot emotionally, just like we all have, although I realized that I have remained the most resilient out of all of us. Those of you that have known me since the beginning, like Ryan, know that I have ALWAYS been there for you when you need me. Always. Whether it was involving relationships, family, or you just needed someone to talk to... I have always been here.
Back at the beginning of 2008 and the end of 2007, I sort of just... dropped off the face of Gaia, disappeared off of MSN a lot too, and almost made myself completely unaccessible to anyone, including Ellis. I did not mean to. At all. Looking back then, I realize now, that a lot of people were relying on me, and thinking on it... And looking at their lives now... I am full of guilt and regret that I disappeared. Because I feel like I have had a part in their decisions to become the way they have.
I understand that over the course of almost nine years, we all grow up... We go separate ways, learn new things, and some of us have returned here to share with others those new things. We also come back here to relax from reality, do we not? It is always nice seeing an old face to make sure they are doing okay, that one face that always came to you for their problems, and you gladly helped them.
My point is... We all make mistakes, and we also make mistakes that get hard to live with. I have made mine, and I will gladly post them here, just for some sanity, because I am feeling really bad right now. This is one of those tear-jerker journal entries where I start crying when I type it.
I get those random days where my mind suddenly starts walking down memory lane, and then sometimes they are not so random, like when someone mentions something to me in the past, and my mind just wanders from there. So much has happened over the past eight years, going on nine years for me this December, and I am shocked with how much I remember of it all, but also shocked at what all I have forgotten.
Over the course of these past eight years, I have met dozens of amazing people, and had great times with those people. I have loved, I have lost, and I have loved again. I have been through a lot physically, and a lot emotionally, just like we all have, although I realized that I have remained the most resilient out of all of us. Those of you that have known me since the beginning, like Ryan, know that I have ALWAYS been there for you when you need me. Always. Whether it was involving relationships, family, or you just needed someone to talk to... I have always been here.
Back at the beginning of 2008 and the end of 2007, I sort of just... dropped off the face of Gaia, disappeared off of MSN a lot too, and almost made myself completely unaccessible to anyone, including Ellis. I did not mean to. At all. Looking back then, I realize now, that a lot of people were relying on me, and thinking on it... And looking at their lives now... I am full of guilt and regret that I disappeared. Because I feel like I have had a part in their decisions to become the way they have.
I understand that over the course of almost nine years, we all grow up... We go separate ways, learn new things, and some of us have returned here to share with others those new things. We also come back here to relax from reality, do we not? It is always nice seeing an old face to make sure they are doing okay, that one face that always came to you for their problems, and you gladly helped them.
My point is... We all make mistakes, and we also make mistakes that get hard to live with. I have made mine, and I will gladly post them here, just for some sanity, because I am feeling really bad right now. This is one of those tear-jerker journal entries where I start crying when I type it.
To A Conflicted Friend
YOU wish you could go back in time: You would go back to her, keep her safe, keep him away from her so he didn't hurt her anymore and then she wouldn't become the dark and depressed person she is now... With him out of the picture, you would finally see the happy girl that she used to be. But most importantly, you wouldn't have disappeared on her like you did, and you would have always really been there for her. You said you let her down, you want her to come back so you can apologize to her, and become the light in her life... "What if one of those days she was... she was thinking "man, I can't wait for him to come around.. I really need to talk to him" And I just.. didn't show up. Ever."
In the past, I was there for someone. Something had happened, she came to me, and I gave her my condolences, calmed her down, told her everything would be okay and I gave her a brighter side of things. I made her happy, she said thank you so much, and we continued to talk. She was always online, we still talked. And then I disappeared for awhile. I came back, and she's not here anymore... I hear she left, she's into drugs and stuff now. And I sit here crying thinking, "Did I disappear on someone, and become the result of this on their life?" I messaged her in hopes that she would reply, that she would open up to me again, and let me be the light in her life.
But her losing confidence in me isn't the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Sleeping with my EX wasn't the biggest mistake in my life either, even though I had a really bad pregnancy scare, but I learned my lesson. I can at least say that I learned something from that experience. Nearly getting involved with William isn't the biggest mistake either, but I lost a friend, and still today I wish she would come back to me. I feel like I might lose her completely too.
But the biggest mistake in my life... And hopefully the biggest I will ever make... Is what is eating at my heart, right now, to this very day, a year and five months later... My biggest regret, ending my relationship and hurting someone so precious to me, someone so dear... My relationship with Ellis. The single worst decision that I will hopefully ever make in my life. How could I lose something so amazing, so perfect, to my own personal selfishness?
My heart is still in a million tiny pieces for having to do that, and even thought I have had another relationship since then that taught me a lot of lessons, those lessons cannot make up for what I have lost, for what I have done to someone so dear to me. What hurts worse is that I don't know how he feels, and I almost don't want to, because it's going to tear me up worse if it's the wrong answer. I may seem resilient, but that outer facade, the cheerful show that I put on for everyone on the outside, is only so much to make up for the internal pain I feel inside, the constant heartache I feel when he doesn't come around. But... I have a feeling that... his life wouldn't be as good as it is now if he had me still. He went to Uni, he's met some great friends, gone to some great parties... Had an amazing time...
All of it without me. So even if I am not taken back in a few years time, at least I know that he'll be better off without me long-term. But I still can't come to terms with myself. I'm still going to be selfish and sit here and cry, because back then, he was the light of my life, and I'm searching for my light now, and I think he still has it. But I can't say that... I can't make it a one-way street because others around me make their own decisions, too, and I won't make his decisions for him. But please... Yeah, I'll surround myself with friends and pretend everything's okay, and be "happy." But please don't disappear with my light...
The moral: Realize this, that all of the decisions you make, in one way or another, will deeply effect someone that you care about at one point or another. Whether you decide to go down one path or another, or even go away for a long time without checking in on your friends, or accidentally let someone down because you were not there for them several times when you needed them... Your decisions, your actions, will always influence someone else.
We have friends for a reason. Friends are not supposed to be a burden, but a light... Some lights shine brighter than the others, but don't let the dim ones go out either.
So please, find the light in your life, and be the light in someone elses.
"Light up the darkness."
But her losing confidence in me isn't the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Sleeping with my EX wasn't the biggest mistake in my life either, even though I had a really bad pregnancy scare, but I learned my lesson. I can at least say that I learned something from that experience. Nearly getting involved with William isn't the biggest mistake either, but I lost a friend, and still today I wish she would come back to me. I feel like I might lose her completely too.
But the biggest mistake in my life... And hopefully the biggest I will ever make... Is what is eating at my heart, right now, to this very day, a year and five months later... My biggest regret, ending my relationship and hurting someone so precious to me, someone so dear... My relationship with Ellis. The single worst decision that I will hopefully ever make in my life. How could I lose something so amazing, so perfect, to my own personal selfishness?
My heart is still in a million tiny pieces for having to do that, and even thought I have had another relationship since then that taught me a lot of lessons, those lessons cannot make up for what I have lost, for what I have done to someone so dear to me. What hurts worse is that I don't know how he feels, and I almost don't want to, because it's going to tear me up worse if it's the wrong answer. I may seem resilient, but that outer facade, the cheerful show that I put on for everyone on the outside, is only so much to make up for the internal pain I feel inside, the constant heartache I feel when he doesn't come around. But... I have a feeling that... his life wouldn't be as good as it is now if he had me still. He went to Uni, he's met some great friends, gone to some great parties... Had an amazing time...
All of it without me. So even if I am not taken back in a few years time, at least I know that he'll be better off without me long-term. But I still can't come to terms with myself. I'm still going to be selfish and sit here and cry, because back then, he was the light of my life, and I'm searching for my light now, and I think he still has it. But I can't say that... I can't make it a one-way street because others around me make their own decisions, too, and I won't make his decisions for him. But please... Yeah, I'll surround myself with friends and pretend everything's okay, and be "happy." But please don't disappear with my light...
The moral: Realize this, that all of the decisions you make, in one way or another, will deeply effect someone that you care about at one point or another. Whether you decide to go down one path or another, or even go away for a long time without checking in on your friends, or accidentally let someone down because you were not there for them several times when you needed them... Your decisions, your actions, will always influence someone else.
We have friends for a reason. Friends are not supposed to be a burden, but a light... Some lights shine brighter than the others, but don't let the dim ones go out either.
So please, find the light in your life, and be the light in someone elses.
"Light up the darkness."
