I'm back, but won't be able to be on often. think Arwen is angry with me, because I tried to explain that I can't be her girlfriend. I can't have that kind of relationship with her because that kind of relationship hurts too much. I'm making myself numb as best I can. I don't want to feel like this. I had enough hurt at camp. I feel guilty because I did bad things with people at camp before I was able to explain this to Arwen. First guy turned me on so much, he was so sexy, but he only wanted to fool around with me and I felt like a slut for letting him touch me the way he did. Second guy was perfect, said all the right things, so poetic, but he wanted to date other people and lied to me. Third guy was sexy, beautiful, and sweet and actually seemed to care about me. But we live a long way from each other. I miss him. He was the only guy that didn't make me feel slutty, stupid, or miserable. He gave me the choice to "do" things with him or not and wasn't upset when I chickened out because he happened to be doing things with me in the middle of the plane ride. Even more importantly once we landed and I was crying he held me until they yelled at us for not getting off the plane. I still smell his cologne when I'm sitting alone. I still taste the last kiss, it tasted like the lime candy he ate just a minute before the kiss. I still feel his arms around me, gently pulling me down so I could lean on him as we laid in the field. And I still hear him calling my name playfully as he ran his fingers through my hair. I miss him. I miss Arwen, but she hasn't replied to my PMs though I know she's been online since. Is she mad at me? Have I betrayed her? I didn't want to, I just couldn't keep this up, I can't hurt her. Now I think I have and I feel so alone. He's not here, she's not here, and I'm moving further away from both of them. I'm alone again, just as I think I'm supposed to be.
P.S. I'm grateful that I was busy crying when we got off the plane, I never had to say "good bye" and neither did he.
purpletomatoes Community Member 
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