When I got to the hospital they said that compared to what it could have been I was lucky. Great I’m lucky. I’m lucky that I got beat. I’m lucky that he drugged me. I’m lucky. Well I hate luck. When they got finished I redressed (they had made me change so they could x-ray me), and I headed to go home. I was putting my red sweater vest on when I heard a knock on the hospital door. “Come in.” I mumbled.
I sighed when I saw it was J.J. She looked so upset and guilty. It was as if the whole world had been set upon her shoulders kind of like what Atlas had been made to do… you know… in Greek Mythology. Her beautiful blue eyes looked up at me, and suddenly I was lost in the abyss of her eyes. It was as if I was drowning in an ocean of blue compassion. She looked me over and then asked, “How are you?”
I looked down at my bandaged foot not sure what to say. I nodded to myself. “Fine.” I was never one to say much honestly. I had always been that guy that kept to myself unless someone asked about a fact or a statistic. I looked at the wall feeling uncomfortable. I hated when someone didn’t intervene in the conversation and say something after I said something short, because I felt like they were trying to force me to come up with something more than I already said.
I heard a shuffling of feet and then I felt the bed beside me move. Suddenly my senses went crazy as I smelt her wonderful fragrance. It smelt like all of the wonderful things in the earth. It was amazing, and I couldn’t help but want to be closer. But If I did that she would suspect something, because I wasn’t normally someone to scoot closer to someone. So I just tried to keep my distance and still be able to smell her. “Spencer… I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have split up from you.”
I looked up at her for a second not sure what to say. Then I said the only thing I could think of, “J.J it was my fault…”
She started to say something, and I put my finger up.
“Please don’t interrupt me.” I asked over her looking into her eyes. “I shouldn’t have asked you to split up from me. You could have gotten hurt, and I didn’t think of that. I should have. I just… I wanted to be like Derek and Hotch, but I’m not them. I need to realize that. And because I hadn’t excepted that I got you hurt.” I sighed and pointed to her hand.
She looked at me stunned as I stood up and limped away.
I didn’t want to talk to her anymore. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be like I always had been. Alone. No one ever really wanted to be with me. Gideon had me convinced before he just left with nothing but some dumb a** letter trying to explain why he left me. My mom had tried to give me up to my father who wouldn’t even think about taking me in. The rest of the team I was nothing but a co-worker.
I was walking out of the hospital when realized that I had no way home. “Damn it!” I cried out and stared out at the parking lot. “You know what? I’m just going to walk home.” I groaned and started to walk. As I walked I realized my foot started to hurt more and more as I walked further and further. I started at the stupid limb for a moment and then said, “I wish they had just cut you off.”
“Hey Spence do you need a ride home?” I looked up to the black SUV pulling up, and I saw J.J slowing down. She smiled and gestured to the passenger side.
I looked at my cursed foot, and then I walked to the other side of the van. I clambered in and sat in the comfy seat. I sighed and buckled myself in. I looked at her for a moment and then I said, “Thank you.” I looked out the window to make sure I didn’t stare at her, because I didn’t want to make her feel awkward.
“Spence… are… you’re not…” She sighed and kept looking out the window. She didn’t even finish what she was going to say.
I looked at her curiously, “What… what were you going to say?” I asked worried something was wrong. Maybe she realized how I felt. Maybe she was mad at me… she should be.
She pulled up at my house. She grabbed my arm gently, “Spence you don’t look so well. Are you sure you don’t want to talk?” She asked.
I glared at her, “I’m sorry. I’ll make sure to look better next time I get beaten.” I grumbled and clambered out of the car. I leaned on my hurt foot for a moment and ended up on my hands and knees. I cried out in pain and then forced myself to get up.
“Spence are you…” She started to ask from inside the car. She looked so concerned.
“What do you care?” I asked and slammed the door in her face. I quickly limped to my door, and I unlocked it.
When I walked in I glared at the stupid house. I looked at the living room and groaned. I realized that I had left it in a semi-mess and it was going to bother me until I cleaned it up. I limped to the table next to the long bookshelf and looked at the open books on the table. “Ted Bundy.” I mumbled to myself the name of the book. I closed it and shelved it with the other two books that had been on it. I hung my coat up in the coat closet that was next to a door that was next to my bookcase. I walked to the game cabinet and reorganized the games in it. I put my Sudoku book on top of the chess board which was on top of my go board which was on top of some puzzles. I sighed and looked at my tan suede couch and recliners and was relieved to find them clean.
I walked into the kitchen and grabbed me some real food from the nice fridge. I had used all the money I could on making my home feeling like home. It turned out to be useless seeing as no one but Gideon and I ever came inside it.
When I finished the apple I threw away the core and walked up the stairs and walked down the hall to my room. When I opened the door I finally felt at home. I loved how this room was everything that screamed me. It was who I was. This room was the only room I really let myself loose on seeing as I was sure no one was ever going to come in here.
I looked at the navy blue blankets and smiled. I stripped my sweater vest off and threw it in the hamper next to my T.V that I never turned on. I started to unbutton my shirt as I walked to my desk. I sat down and decided to check on my mother. I did have an email, but only her doctor had the email addressed. I had lied to my co-workers about having it, because I really hated to use it when they could just call me any time.
As my lap top turned on I looked at the things on my desk: brain in a jar, bugs in a container, an old coffee mug, and highlighters and other writing things. I grabbed my rubicks cube and mixed it up. I solved it, and then I put my password in.
I checked my email and found out my mom was doing wonderful, and that I had nothing to worry about. I sent him an email saying I was glad, and that I might visit her soon. I turned off the computer and then closed it. I then went to my dresser. I picked out some night clothes and threw the rest of the clothes I was wearing in the hamper.
I went to the shower, turned it on, and clambered in. It felt good to have the warm water running off of my body… to feel the dirt slowly leaving my body. I sighed as the steam helped clear my mind. As I washed my hair I couldn’t help but shiver as I remembered the pain I had felt when he threw me onto the floor. I sighed and slowly rinsed my hair. When I finished my shower I covered up the mirror not wanting to see what I looked like. I couldn’t stand to see the man in the mirror. I dressed quickly, and then went to my actual room.
I laid down and started to go to sleep.
“Spencer!!!” I heard a woman screaming.
I looked up and then I saw as Tobias slit the woman’s throat. Blood spattered all over my face as her jugular shot out blood. I reached up to my face and felt my skin burning. I tried to get the blood off, but all that happened was that blood got on my hands and started to burn them. “My skin!” I cried out.
“This is your fault.” He pointed to the woman and then walked off.
I crawled to the woman and rolled her over so I could see her face. “JJ!” I cried as I realized who it was. I pulled her into my arms and started to cry.
When I was thrown back into the real world I was covered in a cold sweat, and I had tears trickling down my face. I sat up and rested my face on my knees. “JJ.” I whimpered. I realized that I was going to be suffering through night mares like this through out the whole night. I couldn’t do that. I needed some sleep. I realized there was a simple solution to my problem.
I sat up and walked to my hamper slowly. I pulled out my pants, and I pulled out the tiny little bottles. I slowly walked back to my bed and sat on the edge of it. I peered at the bottles and finally saw the word, ‘Dilaudid’ printed across it. I sighed and stared at the stupid translucent bottle.
‘Dilaudid has two to eight times the painkilling effects of morphine.’ I recited in my head. I knew all the statistics known for drugs. I knew everything, or so everyone thought so. I didn’t know everything, and I wished they would stop thinking that I did. I felt like the only reason they wanted to ever be around me was to ask me about facts. What did they really know about me? I’m a prodigy, my mom was a schizophrenic, and that I enjoy coffee.
They didn’t care to get to know that I knew how to play violin, piano, and guitar. They didn’t care to ask, “Hey Spencer what did you do this weekend?” Well… they did, but then they made up stupid things I might do. Stereotypical things. They didn’t think that maybe I like to cook. I love to cook. I like to dance… well tango.
But did they ever ask me that? No. They didn’t care. No one cared. No one seemed to care for me… or so I thought.
I stared at the bottle for a moment as the pain of the admittance of what I had thought for so long seemed to swallow my poor, already in pain, body. I needed it now. I filled up a needle and slowly took the drug. The wonderful feeling of euphoria passed through me and then… it stopped. I passed out.
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I know guys this isn't very good, and I'm REALLY sorry. I'm just dealing with... a story block... sort of. So if you like it please say something, but if you don't like it please do too... just say why you do or don't like it please.
oO- Alice Whitlock-Oo Community Member 
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