Thank you guys SOOO much for the reviews and just reading this! I know it's short, and please forgive me. School has started again, but I felt bad for not writing SOMETHING. So I wrote this. I hope you like it. Please R&R
"Okay you want to know?" I asked. I went to my bag and slammed them on the nightstand. "This is what you're wondering about. This is what has made me where I can function. This is what keeps me from… what I thought kept me from the nightmares. This is the only reason I'm alive right now."
J.J stared at me in shock as I sat them down so she could see who I was. So she could know the man behind all of the stupid facts. The man behind the mask. I wanted her to see what she had ignored for so long. I wanted her to see what no one else had EVER cared to ask about. I was so tired of faking that I was okay. I couldn't do this anymore.
Her blue eyes seared into my soul for like the millionth time that night. I felt like every time she did that she got closer and closer to the real me.. The man that I had forgotten so long ago. She grabbed my tiny stupid wrist and looked up at me, "Honestly… is… is this it?" She asked picking up the vials in her shaking hands. "Is this what has made you so… different?" She asked with tears in her eyes. She looked so utterly sad and hopeless. It was a face that nobody on the team had ever seen… well other than me now.
Then it hit me like a load of bricks. She was crying over me. She at least felt something for me. Whether it was brotherly love or… or what it could never be… she felt something. She had actually always cared about me when I always pushed her away with hurtful comments, because I didn't believe her. I felt repulsed of myself as I realized how wrong I was for being rude to her. I felt wrong for making her cry. I felt like one of the monsters I chased after every day of my life.
I nodded softly at her question. I looked away burned by her tears, eyes, and affection. I just couldn't look at her like that.
Suddenly she let go of me and threw the phials at the wall with as much force as a baseball player. The vials shattered on the wall and the fluid slowly started to flow down the wall. It was a scene to see if you weren't me.
"J.J!" I yelled at her shocked. I stared at the wall the wall for a second and then turned to her, "Why the hell did you do that?" I shouted, glaring at her. I couldn't believe she did that! She had no idea how hard it was to get that stuff!
She grabbed my face swiftly. "Look at you! You're freaking out over that stuff! Spencer you're addicted! Look at yourself!" She said grabbing my hands and showing me my arms, "You look like one of those hobos we're always talking to! You're losing your grip!" She hollered at me harshly. I had never had her yell at me so it was something shocking to me. For a second I just stared at her wondering what was wrong with her.
Then world stopped for a second… kind of like those crazy Twix commercials where the person stops time so he could eat a Twix and figure out a solution to his problem. Of course that really didn't happen. But with in two breaths my mind went into overdrive. I looked down at my arms for a moment and I saw it. The pattern of a druggy's arm…. It was there imprinted on the pale flesh. I couldn't look at that… I just couldn't it couldn't be true. I couldn't be an addict. I was too smart. I knew the risk. I knew it all. I couldn't be one. But then I looked up into J.J's eyes and saw a monster. A hideous monster was there in her eyes and… I didn't know him. I wasn't him.
I whimpered as it hit me. I was addicted. I had fallen into the dirt hole. It was my nightmare in the shack come true. I looked away from J.J wishing she wouldn't see me like this. I suddenly wished I hadn't given her a ride home. I wished that I hadn't split up from her. I wished so much, but all of them weren't going to happen. I pulled away from her and whispered, "Go. Get out. I'll… I'll get help. Just don't tell anyone… okay? Just get out… please." I said ever softly. I couldn't look at her when I knew all I was going to see what ashamedness.
I felt a slight weight on my shoulder and then pressure. "Spencer… I'm not leaving you alone. Never again. Too many people have left you alone. You need someone you can talk to. I'm not leaving you." She said softly. I felt her wrapping her arms around me like a mother would.
I thought for a moment. Is this a good idea? Should I just push her away? Should I act too strong to cry? Should I hold her as close as I can? What happens if I do? What happens if I don't? Honestly I was so tired of thinking. I just… I wanted to feel. I turned to her and wrapped my arms around her. I laid my head on her shoulder as my eyes teared up.
I heard as she sniffled and whispered, "We're going to get though this Spencer. I swear to you.", and as simple as those words were… they were more comforting than anything anyone else could have said. They were the words I needed to hear. I needed to know someone… anyone was there to hear me… to catch me when I start fall down that hole.
I clung onto her like I had never clung onto another. She was the only support I had onto the reality of my situation. I felt like if I let go of her I would lose the one time grip on reality.
She clung to me too as she rubbed my back up and down and whispered promises of making things better. She pulled me to the side of the bed and she lifted my face to look at hers, "Spencer hear me out… please." She said softly.
I nodded and looked down at my lap not able to meet her eyes… I couldn't make my self look and see the hatred… the anger I was sure I would see. But she lifted my face by hooking her finger under my chin, and when I saw her eyes they were filled with love and compassion. "I'm going to be here for you no matter what. But… I have to tell you something while you're clean and the withdrawals haven't hit you." She got on her knees and tilted my head with tear filled eyes to look at her. "I, Jennifer Jareau, love you, Spencer Reid. I always have. I just… I didn't realize what I had until… until I almost lost you, and it made me realize if I wait any longer… I might never get to tell you that." She leaned down and softly pressed her lips to mine.
I pulled her body closer to mine for a second until I become conscious of something. I softly pushed her body from mine. "If… If you really love me… I can't kiss you right now with out feeling… gross and wrong. I want to… I want to love you when I'm clean… when I can love you the right way." I said softly feeling stupid. What if she didn't love me by the end of this? What if she can't wait? What if I CAN'T get clean? What if… what if, what if kept running through my already busy mind.
I saw as she nodded. "I understand Spencer." She said softly and pulled me into her arms. And for the first time ever I finally slept well.
oO- Alice Whitlock-Oo Community Member 
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