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So, my dad died on 9/10/11. About a month ago. Everyone's slowly finding out about it, but something has really gotten under my skin

Who WAS my dad? What did he do? How did he die?

Well, I thought I knew some of that. He was apparently a frequent drug user but never told me. I respect that idea: not wanting a teenager to know you do drugs. But, I'm 18 now. Although he's gone, I still want to know more about him... But I don't think I ever will. Nobody can tell me the truth. Everybody's contradicting each other. My mom is lying, Lyndsey isn't telling the truth, Jackie is contradicting Lindsey, and April could only tell me so much

I just don't know who I can trust... Nobody can tell me anything. Everybody's telling me I shouldn't know or that I'm not emotionally ready or that type of s**t. Obviously, I'm living with my grandparents now. Being who my dad was, I know for sure that my grandparents don't know. And I'm definitely not going to say anything to them. But, what if he died because of the drugs? What if he OD'd?

If so, my grandparents will be up my a** with a fork and have me under scrutiny. They won't trust me. I'll be stuck alone and unaware of anything...

I don't even know what he did as a teenager or as a kid. There's so much nobody ever told me. There're so many gaps and so many unclear spaces. Father deceased, mother lying, grandparents still being overbearing and waging psychological war on me. I can't be me anymore. I feel like I'm losing sight of who I am by living here...

And, my dad MAY have started the drugs because of that same reason... Maybe I'll end up the same way. What else am I "destined" to do other than become my dad? ********, nobody loves me. People can say it but who's gonna mean it?




I feel like I need my dad more than ever right now...