Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

you said i should write about me
one time
so it took me a while to think of anything
because i try not to think about myself
i have issues with myself
most of the time
i don’t like who i am
every time i get a compliment
i feel it could be better spent
on someone more deserving
or saved like loose change
because maybe someday
you'll have enough to afford
what or who you really want
i feel undeserving
of everything that i have
of everyone who speaks of me in kindness

i've told everyone before
that i don't like being placed on a pedestal
that it only drives people further from me
and everyone can look up and say
that from far away
that speck on a tower
is something beautiful
but if someone were to drag me down
and see me in plain sight
then they'd see my flaws
and i hope for every speck i see
in unclean faraway mirrors
that someone will bring me down
that my flaws will still be worth loving
but how can this speck's words
ring out like church bells in the hearts of ants
from below that bellow like giants
when they are so seldom heard

i remember asking in middle school
that if a tree fell in the middle of a forest
and no one was around to hear it
did it make a sound?
and everyone would say yes or no
or have their own ideas about it
when i was in middle school
i had this idea that a sound was different
from a noise
because sound would always be there
reverberating in the air
even if no one could hear it
but noise implied that someone was there
witnessing every snapping sound
of every branch
when that tree fell
and sometimes i find myself asking
if i fall
will i make a sound or a noise?

and for every word i speak it seems
there's someone there to say
"i know what it's like"
but how can anyone know
when they tell me that i speak
like no one has ever spoken
when they tell me
that i'm so different from anyone
that they've ever met
i know that when they say these things
they're not meant to insult me
but how can i help feeling outcast
when everyone seems to think
i'm different
how can i stop from wondering
what this world would be like
without me