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I can't remember anything from this last week. The last thing I can remember was me and Rachel getting into a fight on Friday morning and she gave me a really hard punch in the face. Painful. Now, I was taking off my jewelry to shower, and I counted 8 bruises on my arms alone. The amount on my legs has jumped from 13 to 21. My ear hurts terribly, I start crying for no reason, I actually kissed my best friend on the cheek this morning, and I'm always thirsty. I feel.... different. I can't even remember the keys on the keyboard. I have to look at the keys to type. I'm so out of it. My neck feels like it's rubber. I'm drowsy and limp. I'm REALLY scared right now. I don't know why I am, but something happened..... yesterday, I think that made me really scared. I'm struggling to breathe right now.
I bet you're wondering why I'm typing this instead of being rushed to a hospital. Well, my parents don't know. I'd like to keep it that way, too. They know everything, and I want to be able to get through this one myself. Unless it gets critical, I'd like to remain in control. Or, at least be able to stop myself from bruising so easily.
It occurred to me today that I may not remember a few of my most loyal friends if this is permanent. I really don't think it obtains to you all, but I'd like to take the time to get all that I have to say about my friends in a file somewhere, so I'll never forget them.
In remembrance of Jaimie. She and I met in the summer going into second grade. We helped her move in. JJ and I went to KIN together until 5th grade. Although we didn't see each other much, we were best friends. I always thought she lived an overprotected life until about 6th grade. I completely opened up to her, and Jaimie stayed with me until the end. She knew when I was down without me having to say it. Yes, Jaimie's a loser, but she's my loser. I just wish I could go back to 3rd grade with her. Before Eric, before the questioning, before the trouble. I want to go back and tell Jaimie what a great friend she is, and how much I love her. I honestly love JJ more than I love myself and Hannah put together. She's just so... amazing. Always overachieving, and if you're upset, she's there. We've never said anything bad to each other. God, I love Jaimie. If anything were to happen to her.
In remembrance of Stephanie. What is there even to say? Steph and I met in 4th grade. Her mom scared me on her first day of school. It was an awkward lunch, let me tell you. I've told Stephanie so much I would never tell anyone else. She was the first person to tell me that I wasn't going over the top. Jaimie would always be reasonable- not Stephanie. If I really thought I could save the human race, Stephanie wouldn't be the person to tell me otherwise. She's so supportive and loving. I did something to her, and I can't remember what. But it was bad, very bad, and she and I sorted it out together. I love Steph more than I have ever loved a friend, or my sisters.
In remembrance of Laura. Laura and I haven't known each other for long, and I used to SERIOUSLY hate her. Now, I think of her as an older sister I can always go to. Whenever she tells me something, I never have to question the amount of truth it holds. I can't believe I made it this far into my life without her there. It's like, wow. I can go to Laura and Stephanie and [depending on how unorthodox it is] Jaimie, and I can trust them no matter what. Normally, it reaches Laura first because she and I talk a lot, but I trust her just as much. It feels like I've known Laura for 3 years instead of 6 months. I love her so much.
In remembrance of Terra. Terra has done some stupid things. I mean, REALLY stupid. If I hadn't met Terra, I probably wouldn't cuss, I'd be less lenient towards gays, and I could never leave JJ out of a bus conversation. Yet, I still love Terra. She's almost always there. Yeah, she gets upset sometimes. Just today she was crying on the bus. I still think she's amazing. She's nice, not incredibly crude [yet,] and she loves to laugh as much as I do. To think I used to fear her, and now we're singing together on the concourse and pretending PDA [Public Displays of Affection] in the hallways. I can always count on Terra for a good time, even if it hurts a little.
In remembrance of Eric. Yes, I should hate him for what he did. I should still be writing songs and spending hours on the piano trying to get all of my frustration out. I shouldn't still get goosebumps every time I see him. I guess it's because he's the first guy I ever liked. I'm still attached to him- more than a crush. It's like I'm clinging to his memory so I can always know pain and how to overcome it. I still like him a little, and God knows it would be easier if we just became friends. I'm still a little mad, but not much. I'm mad because he's popular now. I'm a regular, and he's "The Hottest Boy of 2005-2007" at Bush. I'm mad because he's forgotten about me. He talks to JJ and Steph and he harasses Laura- but he doesn't even move when we see each other in the hallway. I'm mad because I wish something would happen, even though I know it never will. I'm a notch or two under him in popularity. Everyone tells me I'm too good for him- I wish I could agree. If that were true, he'd be the one trying to wake up from the flashbacks in the middle of the night. I'm mad because I still love him, and because there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not mad at him, I suppose. I'm mad because I can't be mad at him.
In remembrance of everyone else out there. Thank you for sticking with me. I don't consider you a regular on my help meter yet. I guarantee I'll add you when I do.
Your Lord and Master,
Lois
 LongWayHome · Thu Feb 22, 2007 @ 04:14am · 2 Comments |
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