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I feel like such an a** right now....I was doing so well, and then all of a sudden my old defensive self reared her ugly head. I can't STAND it when I get like that. I used to be like that all the time, I had a short temper, and everyone would pick on me, I'd deal with it better in school for fear of getting in trouble, but at home, I'd start to SCREAM at my parents, since I'd just have all that anger built up inside of me. I'd start to defend myself, I wouldn't listen to them, I'd assume everything they said was meant as critisism, that's all I ever heard when people talked to me. I slowly learned other ways to vent, but in that I tended to shut myself out from people, self shunning myself. I don't mind though, I like it better that way.....I should have known that it couldn't last though. I recently started to open up to people more, mostly on gaia though. I started to let people know what's going on with me. I still have trouble doing that in real life though. Well, with it, came back the ugliness of my anger. Earlier today, my friend said something trivial to me...he called me stupid, a mediocore insult compared to the words I hear on a daily baisis, not to mention I call myself dumb all the time, but...the way I read it....the way it was looked at in my mind...I just snapped. I was rude and obnoxious, and I hate it. I don't know why I reacted the way I did, but I did, there's no changing that. The minute after I sent my reply, I started to kick myself about it. I hit my head on the wall a couple of times later too. I sent him another message, apologizing, he never replied to either. I guess it's just that this friend of mine, means a lot to me...he stood up for me, and consouled me when our friends were picking on me. he's fun to talk to, and he seems to generally enjoy talking to me. and when he called me stupid, it just, made me think of elementary school, and how I do really feel so foolish when I talk to him, because I do tell him what I think, and that's so dangerous for me, it's a risk for me. I think differently, and, I'm scared sometimes. I'm not scared of what others will say, or what they'll think of me. no. that's not it, I don't care about that. I'm just afraid, that no one will want to talk to me. We all fear being unloved in our own little ways, and I love attention, as we all do in our own little ways, so when someone dear to me, leaves me, ignores me, as so many have...it's scars you........and you get scared that it'll happen again, because...it hurts, so much........and then there is that saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" it's not true, the right words, at the right time, can drive someone to insanity, to depression, to death. I'm not saying that's what's going to happen to me, not at all, I'm just saying, words do hurt, they carry a certain weight, a certain value, and some of them, hit harder then rocks....like being called stupid by one of your best friends.......it's weird how life is...but I shouldn't have reacted that way, it was dumb of me, it was immature of me, I'm a fool, an a**, and idiot...

I am stupid....