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Chapter One
My name is Tsuki, and I'm here to tell you a story about how a human, a magician, and a vampire became intertwined in a never-ending destiny.
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The Sakura (Cherry blossoms) tree flowers fell towards the ground as I ran out of the gigantic gate of Tokyo Gakuen High School. In one hand, I held my diploma certifying that I successfully graduated, and in the other, I held the hand of my beloved best friend, Shiro. At that moment I never noticed anything about him that was different, until I was pulled by a great force.
"Ophh!!" I huffed in pain as I couldn't get the urge to stand up again.
"Stay away from that 'THING' girl. . ." the male that push me said.
He had cold eyes that looked like they could pierce me into rock hard stone. His hair hid behind his hat that looked ridiculous because it was gold and black with one side longer than the other. He was very fair skinned and wore a black robe that had Kanji characters on it that said "Wind, Fire, Earth, Water, Moon, Sun", but the weirdest thing about him was that he carried a staff that formed a crescent moon at the top.
"What do you mean by THING? That person there is my friend!!" I yelled at him with all the energy I had left.
"I can't believe you, he isn't even human and you can't tell?! Man, mortals are hopeless.." He said as those words pierced my dignity.
"Hey, leave her alone!!" Shiro said as he ran towards my aid.
"Wanna duke it out then?!" The strange boy said as he took out a bunch of talismans.
As he said that, it was the first time I saw Shiro snap.
"LIKE HELL I WILL!!" Shiro yelled.
With that said, he punched the strange being in the face.
"Too slow..."
The male vanished before the punch even finished the blow. In the place that he was standing was a calling card.
It read:
I am coming after the fair maiden at ten sharp tonight, and from there, we shall finish our battle...
Till then, Farewell...
- Ryuunosuke Shirayuki
- by Kira_justice57 |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 09/29/2008 |
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- Title: Three worlds, one heart part 1
- Artist: Kira_justice57
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Description:
This is something that I came up with, about vampires, mortals, and magicians.
Please comment and I may continue this, give me your opinion.
Thank You!!! - Date: 09/29/2008
- Tags: three worlds heart
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Comments (7 Comments)
- Flint Jakobs - 09/29/2008
- If you can't describe the hat better than that, then the character shouldn't be wearing a hat at all. I could keep going, but as I've already spent four comments on just the opening ten lines, it would be a waste of time to continue. Also, I would suggest from now on if you're going to leave comments on other people's works, you ought to be constructive with them, instead of just saying things are bad. Good day. ~Yakumo
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- Flint Jakobs - 09/29/2008
- Try "turn" instead of "pierce", it will give an actual visual, instead of confusing the reader. And this: "looked like those hats you see in movies starring vampire hunters or modern magicians." I don't know if you were trying for foreshadowing, but that doesn't work. That is a filler line. It does not add anything to the read, it's just ironic in the sense of the topic of the story. I would suggest you remove that line altogether. (continued in next comment)
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- Flint Jakobs - 09/29/2008
- It's the only reason we stay in school for as long as we do, you don't need to tell us what it's for. Also, you don't seem to know the relationship between the narrator and Shiro very well. Are they best friends or lovers? Over the course of three words, you have described them as both, which doesn't do anyone much good. Also, "they could pierce any flame to ice" doesn't make much of any sense. Flames can't be pierced, they're not solid. (continued in next comment)
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- Flint Jakobs - 09/29/2008
- However, you shouldn't need the author's note here, as sakura blossoms are common knowledge. There's another thing you need to address. You are over and underestimating your readers here. Odds are most of us don't live in Japan, therefore we've never seen sakura trees blossom. As far as I am aware, they can bloom in different times of the year than just spring. Therefore, it doesn't set up the season very well. Conversely, we know what a diploma is. (continued in next comment)
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- Flint Jakobs - 09/29/2008
- Mmkay, first things first, I do feel that the topic of the writing is cliche. However, I'm not about to hold that against you, it's not your fault it's a popular topic. Now, the reason why people keep getting confused by sakura is the fact that you've got it capitalized and there's an author's note following it. General rule: don't put author's notes in the middle of text, put them at the end, or the beginning if you so prefer. (will continue in a new comment)
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- Kira_justice57 - 09/29/2008
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Not all vampires are elegant, but authors just like to do that..., while I like to give them a human-like feeling, not a rich-a** feeling..., and for the cherry blossoms thing, sakura falls towards the ground, and I would describe the character first before giving a name, that's how I am.
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- zeldabcc - 09/29/2008
- Sakura is a very common name in many japanese stories, writings, and manga, it's quite obvious that there wasn't enough detail for the reader to understand that you meant the flower. It is a very common name (i.e. Naruto, Card Captors, etc.)
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