• It’s funny the things you think of as you die.

    I can feel the blood spilling from my body, staining the white shirt I wear. I can feel the blood treading dangerously close to spilling out my mouth, it taking all my energy to keep it down. I can still feel the wood, splintering though my chest, burning me from the inside out. I can clearly remember the fledging who used my own stake against me, as if some sort of twisted justice. I remember that shocked gasp that came from my mouth and the sigh as I made as I fell to a heap in the floor. But I don’t think of that.

    As the world fades away, my blood spilling over my body, soaking the earth with my life, I think of one thing. Him--

    “Let’s just say I’m a friend.”

    “Yeah, well, maybe I don’t want a friend.”

    “I didn’t say I was yours.”

    --I remember telling Willow he was cute, in an annoying sort of way. He drove me crazy in the beginning, which ultimately only fueled my want for him more. He’d pop up out of nowhere after being gone for days.

    I spent many hours patrolling thinking of him, wondering if he’d show up, wondering what those luscious lips of his would feel like on mine. Wondering what it would feel like to comb my fingers through those silky spiked hair of his- always messy in a neat and planned way. I spent more time than I could ever count exploring the different teenage fantasies about this man. For the first time, I knew what it was like to crush a person; I was addicted to him, I had pages upon pages filled of the man in my journals.

    Achmed, my foreign exchange student. I had been completely livid after coming to the conclusion that he’d read my diary. And embarrassed. I would have scared him off if he knew how much I thought about him, and to such a great degree--

    “I did a lot of thinking today. I really can’t be around you. Because when I am...”

    “Hey, no big; water... over the bridge, under the bridge...”

    “When I am all I can ever think about is how badly I want to kiss you.”

    “...Over the dam... kiss me?”

    --It had been perfect, better than I could have ever imagined. Tender and so passionate. His lips touched mine and I felt the world slip away, much as it is doing now. Kissing him transported me to a new dimension. My knees grew weak and I could feel the butterflies flutter about my stomach, I was so nervous. I felt a rush of heat go through my body, as it begged for things I never knew it wanted- craved for till that moment.

    And then he pulled away. I walked after him, laughing, trying to figure out what happened; the one thing I was sure of was I never wanted that kiss to end. Turning around, I saw that face, the monster, the thing I was destined to kill was standing in my bedroom, the demon wearing that handsome face I had just kissed.

    I screamed and he ran off. I was so confused. The next couple of days I was so confused. My heart going against every ounce of instinct in my body. Us being complete paradoxes: he darkness, me light; him death, me life; him evil, and I innocence. He a vampire and me, the slayer destined to kill him. Falling in love just wasn’t in the cards for us; it wasn’t supposed to happen, but it happened--

    “Listen; if we date you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another.”
    ”One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?”
    ”I'm just trying' to protect you. This could get outta control.”
    ”Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?”
    ”This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.”
    ”No. When you kiss me I wanna die.”

    --My breaths become unsteady, my eyelids fluttering rapidly. I am going to die alone. But wasn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? The slayer, a tool, a weapon, she wasn’t supposed to have friends and family- they made her weak. Unless of course, people were talking about me. Emotions made me strong; they gave me something to fight for--

    “You can attack me. You can send assassins after me. That’s fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend.”

    --Seeing him tied there by a rope, it killed me inside, tore away at my insides. He looked so weak, he was always the stronger one in our relationship; he was the one I would run to whenever things went wrong. He was my rock.

    He was the first man I ever loved; in all honesty he was the only man I ever loved. Did I love Riley? Yes, but in a different way. Riley was comfortable, a pair of pants that fit so perfectly, they weren’t flashy or tacky, they went with anything. He was safe.

    Angel, I loved him. Heat, passion, angst, unrequited love, lust, trust. I could go on for the rest of my mortal existence coming up with adjectives to describe what I felt for him, describe the chemistry between us--

    “I love you. I try not to but I can’t stop.”

    “Me, me too. I can’t either.”

    “Buffy, maybe we shouldn’t...”

    “Don’t. Just kiss me.”

    --Once again, Angel had been perfect. But, in all honesty, was he anything but that? Everything he did, he did for a reason, every word that came from his mouth skilled, carefully chosen. So why did I have doubts? Why had I been scared?

    It hurt, at first. But he took things slow, for me. He was tender and loving. I clenched my fist at first at the raw sensation I felt, the steady in and out motion. But as the seconds ticked on the pain became replaced by lust and pleasure and love. Perfect. By the end of the night I was pleasantly numb, content to drift asleep in the arms of my undead boyfriend. Lying in his arms I swore that I could hear a couple heart beats, they weren’t in sync, but I heard them.

    The night had been too perfect, so I should have known something terrible would happen. I already learned I didn’t get cut breaks. I wasn’t supposed to be happy. I didn’t have to wait long to figure out what went wrong. It came clear as bells, it was fireworks exploding; because of me the curse had been lifted.

    I created the monster; my selfish need had cause Angelus to reappear. He had warned me- told me that maybe we shouldn’t; and I didn’t listen. I never listened, people called me stubborn. But, life is short, I above all people, knew just how fragile life was. ‘Carpe diem’, as I told Willow. I seized and paid the price--

    “I love you.”

    “I love you. Close your eyes.”

    --I watched as the portal opened. I remember every expression; confusion, betrayal, surprise, hurt, anger, passion, and above everything else love. He loved me.

    The sound of the knife stabbing through his midsection, it went through him as if he’d been made of butter, I wanted to throw up. I could feel my entire chest scrunch into a tight ball, it was hard to breathe, much like it is for me now, only before it was an emotional thing. The glow of the portal continued to grow until Angel was nothing more than a mere speck, a tiny piece of dust to be put sucked up by the vacuum to Hell. His arms outstretched, waiting for me to pull him to safety. I couldn’t deal.

    His face haunted my dreams for an entire summer. My mind plagued with what ifs. What if I had come a second sooner, what if I had figured out Angel to be the key earlier. What if I dodged the fledging who used my own stake against me? I found it dangerous to start going into the what ifs, it would drive any person crazy, for life was full of what ifs. There is always something, a person wished they could change, alter, do over.

    Everything happened for a reason though, right? Everyone had a destiny to fulfill and once it had been completed they were done. Mine had come. I saved the world more times than I can count on my one blood soaked hand. I lived a pretty good life, especially for a slayer. I had friends, family; I graduated and even started college. And I knew love. I knew love because of him. I knew what it felt like to be so in love with a person you couldn’t think straight, I knew that love made you do the wacky; and I knew the agony of love. I knew how to be strong even when I felt two inches tall. All because of him--

    “Buffy please... just this once... let me be strong.”

    “Strong is fighting! It’s hard and it’s painful and it’s everyday. And it’s what we have to do. And we can do it together.”

    I learned that morning that miracles do happen and when you least expect them to. It snowed. A freak blizzard swept threw the town.

    We wouldn’t fight together though. When I think back now, with a clearer head, even if my thoughts are slightly fuzzy, are relationship and ended the night we made love. Angel came back from Hell to say goodbye, for that was what we subconsciously had been doing for the rest of the year. I don’t even know why the whole sewer break up had come as such a shock--

    “Buffy, you know how much I love you. It kills me to say this.”

    “Then don’t. Who are you to tell me what’s right? You think I haven’t thought about this?”

    “Have you, rationally?”

    “No. No of course not. I’m just some swoony little schoolgirl, right?”

    “I’m trying to do what’s right here, okay? I’m trying to think with my head instead of my heart.”

    “Heart? You have a heart? It isn’t even beating.”

    “Don’t.”

    “Don’t what? Don’t love you? I’m sorry. I didn’t know I had a choice in that. I’m never gonna change. I can’t change. I want my life to be with you.”

    “I don’t.”

    --The pain I feel now, the splinters of wood still deeply embedded in my chest, my breaths coming out as ragged puffs, my limbs and skin hurt, and I am tired. I am so tired. But the pain I feel now, it is nothing, a tiny p***k, or a pinch, to what he did to me that night in the sewer.

    I feel guilty now, despite logic, blaming the break up as a way to get back at me for sending him to Hell. He wanted to create my own Hell. He knew everything button to push, he knew how to destroy me if he wanted; I learned that when Angelus had been around.

    I told Willow I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Although, now that I really can’t breathe, I realize I hadn’t described the feeling quite right. Then it was more as if I were suffocating. As if I were being swallowed up. While now, I just can’t breathe. It’s hard to describe. My lungs are weakening at a rapid pace; I know it won’t be much longer till I’m gone. Till I can find peace. Until then, I am surrounded with the memories of love.

    I would have given anything up for him. I’d give anything up to get him back, to make him stay. When he’d been hit, a small light of hope flickered deep within me. Just maybe, he’d stay. He didn’t think like me.

    “Then it’s over.”

    “It is never over. I won’t let you die! Drink!”

    It took some work, but I managed to get him to feed from me. It was a sensation I never felt before, and despite the pain the feel of his fangs deep within my neck, greedily gulping my life’s essence I became aroused, I know he could taste it, taste it in my blood, and I know he felt the same as I, it was pressed against my stomach the whole time. Before I sunk into dark depths of oblivion I orgasmed, the second time since my birthday a year prior.

    My efforts had failed though, as promised he left after stopping the mayor. After that I was never the same, and I see that now. When he left he took a part of me, a crucial part, for I was never whole without my heart. I lived another year in my shell of a body.

    I know I am being selfish, that I should be trying harder, fighting for my life. But I don’t want to. I don’t want to continue down the road I’ve been going. I don’t want to become the woman I am turning into.

    I know people would tell me I have a lot to live for. That I could have that normal life if I tried. But I couldn’t. I’m the slayer. I’m different. Look at Owen and Scott. I almost got Owen killed, and Scott he broke up with me because I couldn’t tell him everything. And Riley, he’d never understand. Yes, he knew about demons and vampires and all the scary things that came out at night, but he would never truly understand what it meant to be alone. Completely alone. I had a calling, a sacred duty- he volunteered.

    My Angel. He is the only one that got me. All of me. He was my other half, my better half. He always told me I was his sunshine, but I think he was mine. He understood what it was like to be alone because he was too. Yes he was a vampire, but he wasn’t at the same time. Him cursed with a soul. He was this innocent man stuck in between two worlds.

    It’s funny what you remember when you die. What you think of. As my eyes close for the last time I dive through a sea of blinding white light my whole body feeling weightless.

    My last breath is ragged, not even complete. As I take my last breath I say a silent thank you to my Angel for teaching me enough to make it through this alone. For if anything, he taught me you’re never completely alone. And I realize that, with my last dying breath, I realize I was never alone, even after he left me. He was always in my now unbeating heart, I just had to look.

    The light blinds my eyes. My body glows and I smile.

    “You still my girl?” He asks, his arms outstretched, waiting for my embrace.

    “Always.”

    Tucked deep within his arms I smile, I know what Heaven finally feels like. My soul finally at peace.

    ...Will we burn in heaven like we do down here, will the change come while we're waiting, everyone is waiting, and when we're done soul searching, as we carried the weight, and died for a cause, is misery made beautiful ...