• CHAPTER 46 - HEARTS BURST INTO FIRE

    It doesn't make any sense sometimes. You did what was best and you can't help but feel worse about it. You didn't want to let go. You couldn't stand to say good bye.

    .:{{Kai's Perspective}}:.

    As soon as I hit the city limits, my foot was already pressed on the gas as far as it could go and I was already topping a hundred and twenty miles per hour. I couldn't care less if I somehow did end up crashing. I couldn't undergo the harm I just caused Arisa. Her mind was going crazy after she refused to keep the ring that I couldn't think straight myself. I didn't want to explain anymore. I didn't have the stomach to stay around her much longer, I'd jut have ended up taking her back with me.

    I gripped the steering wheel almost as hard as I could, nearly snapping it in half and cursing the car for not being able to increase its momentum. I was at a hundred and thirty miles per hour, the highest I could go. I dodged every car that would be going much too slow and didn't care about the profanity they vociferated in their heads. The only thing trapped in my mind were Arisa's words and her confused and pained complexion. I heard her heart rip in half the second I climbed back into the car and sped off.

    "You're so...ludicrous," I hissed at myself, gritting my teeth together.

    Nobody was happy with what had to be done. At least...the people who knew what was going on. Only Matsuda, Orihime, Kira and I know that I left Arisa at the orphanage. Takeuchi and Miku are still unaware and I know Miku will freak out on me and Takeuchi would probably become depressed for a little while. Just thinking of their reactions was already too much. Now Arisa probably thinks I don't care anymore, that I won't come back. I still loved her, my feelings for her hadn't changed one fragment. I was questioning whether I would be able to live past tonight, but I knew I wouldn't be able to live on once my contract duty was done.

    I gripped the steering wheel even tighter, though unaware, and it smashed in my hands. I ignored it and would fix it later. If I were allowed to, I would destroy this car along with everything else within a five hundred mile radius of me. I hated myself so much for doing this, but I had the inability to protect her anymore. I had failed every time we were attacked by someone. She was almost...raped because I wasn't there. She was almost turned into a Werewolf, she had almost been killed by multitudinous amounts of Werewolves and Vampires and all because I was either too distracted or I wasn't there.

    I had enough. I belted on the brakes and skidded around four hundred to five hundred feet before the car finally came to a halt on the open gravel road. I teleported out of the car, not wanting to bother with having to undo the seatbelt and open and close the door. When I opened my eyes again, I scanned my eyes over the planes of Hokkaido. There was nothing. No trees to cut down with my bare hands or other objects to throw around. I could have thrown the car, but for some reason I decided against it. I could feel my eyes shift to crimson. I could feel something boiling inside me and it was as hot as fire and I only realized after a few seconds that it was self-loathing. Nobody had ever seen the preservation of the hateful martyr in me. The part of me that hated me for who I am and what I am. Arisa only knew a sliver of a fraction of that part. I had tried so hard not to allow her presence into my life, but I caved in much too easily. I let her in too far, she's let me in too far.

    I allowed a deafening growl to rip its way out of my chest and I took off in a full sprint, not knowing exactly where I was going, looking for something--anything--inanimate to destroy.

    ~*~*~*~*~*~

    I knew what I had done was absolutely frivolous, but it really was for the best. It was actually Matsuda's idea from the start. He's an Angel and Angels' decisions are based strictly on the good will of others. They have no other choice. Matsuda told me out of complete randomness that Arisa had to leave...immediately. Half of me agreed strongly with him, and the other half wanted to maim him for suggesting something such as that. I was prepared to slip into withdraw and anxiety, but this was nowhere near imaginable for me. I had never let go of anybody so important to me.

    I looked behind me at the trail of fallen trees I had left behind me. I was fortunate enough to find a forest far away where nobody would witness a maniac blood-sucker tearing down the forest. My hand was coated in my own blood from the splinters of the tree digging so far into the underside of my talons. The sight of blood caused me to become dehydrated from lack of blood the past couple of days. I didn't have a Blood Bride anymore, so I'd have to fend for myself off of the humans in the city. Of course, I couldn't bear going there now. Now when Arisa just got there.

    I could feel a pain in my chest every time I would think her name or portray her face and her voice. It hurt the most when I reminisced her heartbeat. It was unbelievable. Sure, Matsuda and Orihime and Takeuchi have heartbeats, but Arisa's was much more prominent. It almost had its own tune, its own song.

    I couldn't undergo the sharp pain that jolted through me. I couldn't undergo Matsuda's decision, whether he was against it too or not. I swung my fist to the side and cut down another tree. I clenched my fist and shook off the almost-dried blood on my fist.

    "Arisa, I'm sorry," I mumbled to myself.

    Her words were mellowing in my head, her last few words. Go away, I hate you!!; I don't want to remember anymore!! Those words hurt, of course, but there was only one that killed me the most. After I repeatedly told her I couldn't stand seeing her, knowing I was to bring her to her execution, I'm sick of looking into the eyes of my killer every day!!! Those words were the knife to my chest, not necessarily my heart since it doesn't beat anymore.

    I shook of the pain, only able to numb it rather than rid it completely, and took off in another full sprint, only headed towards my car. I was a good fifty to seventy-five miles away, maybe more. I needed to get back to the house before I turn to get her, before I endanger her again.

    ~*~*~*~*~*~

    I walked back into the house through the front door, despite the fact that I was still in the hateful mood to destroy anything. The house felt empty, too commodious. The atmosphere was somber and grim after experiencing Arisa's abscence. I couldn't hear anything except for some muffled mumbles on a phone. Approaching the living room, Matsuda and Orihime were sitting on one of the couches and Matsuda's phone was held up so both of them could hear whatever was going on. I ignored their staring and glided up the stairs and slammed the bedroom door shut. I was almost acting like a child with a temper, only this is excusable.

    "You idiot, why did you do as he said?" I hissed to myself again, cursing myself for following Matsuda's inference.

    I had never wanted to die so much in my life. The guilt would only eat away at me more and more with each passing day, and I imagine it wouldn't be any easier for Arisa. Arisa... I dug into my front pocket and out came the engagement ring. You keep it! I don't want to remember anymore! I observed and absorbed every clean-cut facet of the tiny diamond that occupied the band. I glided to the bed and sat myself on it, never tearing my eyes off of the ring. I fondled with it in my hands, my chest hurting more and more.

    There was a quiet knock on the door, "Kai? Can I come in?" it was Kira.

    "Sure," I mumbled, "The door's locked."

    After another split half of a second, Kira appeared in the room after teleporting in. He paused after he caught me with Arisa's ring. I didn't even bother to look up at him, I didn't really care what he was thinking. Kira stood near me and tucked his hands in his pockets and sighed deeply.

    "So she's gone," it wasn't even a question. It didn't need to be.

    "Yeah," I mumbled again, "Said some pretty shitty good byes too."

    "I'm sure neither of you meant what you said...whatever was cruel," he reassured, "Arisa's strong. She'll learn to pull through this."

    "She's not strong enough," I scoffed, "She's much too fragile."

    "Physically," Kira pointed out, "Not mentally or emotionally."

    "She won't be that strong after what I just did," I gripped the ring, "She's probably burning me alive in her head right now without clemency."

    There was a long pause before Kira spoke up again, "What did she say to you?"

    I didn't want to bring it up, but Kira was my brother and he deserves to know, "She told me to go away, that she hated me. She refused to keep the ring, saying she didn't want to remember. And..." I sighed, "She said she couldn't stand looking into the eyes of her killer every day."

    Kira stiffened at that, startled. He was just as surprised to hear that as I was. Neither of us knew for sure if she really meant it or not; I'd keep a vow to myself to never crawl into her head again. It's her turn again to stand on her own, as she had to when her sister and her parents died. With every passing second, it was getting harder and harder to not go back for her in knowing she's trapped in that primitive state once more.

    "I'm sure she didn't mean what she said," Kira whispered, "She's just a little lost. She can't think straight."

    I continued to look down at the ring in silence. I clenched my fist with the ring in it, "I'm infuriated at Matsuda for suggesting to send her away, but yet I'm incredibly grateful because I know now that Arisa will be safe,"

    "Don't you think you should both be happy?" Kira interrogated.

    I paused, unsure of how to answer at first, "Of course, but I'm more concerned about her happiness,"

    "She's miserable right now," Kira pointed out again, "She won't be able to recover from something like this. And if she does, it won't be easy."

    "At least she'll be able to move on," I was getting pissed at Kira for bringing up the subject.

    There was another long pause, "Maybe we would ask Matsuda if there's an alternative for her safety," Kira suggested.

    "There is no alternative because we don't know how to break the contract," I hissed at Kira, glaring up at him.

    I looked down at my feet, my fist still clenched with the ring still in it. I didn't want to talk about this anymore, it was hurting too much. This was the first time both Arisa and I have ever truly fallen in love. Sure, I guess I loved Ayame, but Arisa was a whole different story. She felt right. It was real love that I felt towards her, not just three petty words that meant naught. I told Ayame I loved her, but I couldn't feel it. It never seemed right. And now that I finally found somebody with whom I do mean it, she's gone.

    "Kai, you're my little brother," Kira broke the silence once more, "Even though we're both in love with the same girl, you deserve her more."

    I didn't respond. I honestly didn't know whether I should have the prerogitive to covet her the most or not. The what would Kira do? He probably should rightfully deserve her, seeing as he's more human than I am...than I ever can be. He'd be a prominent protector too, surpassing my abilities.

    "Even though I can't read minds, I know what you're thinking," he sighed, "There's a better chance that I would end up killing her than you. And, Kai..."

    I looked up at him and sighed, "What?"

    "If you're not opting to find an alternative for Arisa's safety or if you're not willing to make her as happy as she was, then I'll step in and have a say in it," he was serious, "You two were too far into your relationship to have it end. It's wrong; I don't care if Matsuda's an Angel an it was the safest decision. It's ridiculous."

    Speak of the devil. Just as Kira said that, Matsuda tried to open the door. Kira glided to the door and unlocked it and allowed Matsuda and Orihime's entrance. Matsuda handed his cell phone to me and looked down at me seriously.

    "Arisa left a message,"

    I froze again. Was it a message strictly for me? Or for everybody else? It was probably for everybody else. Matsuda inched himself closer to me, still holding the phone in his outstretched hand. I hesitantly took it and went straight to his voicemail. Everybody watched me in silence, waiting to hear Arisa's message.

    I waited patiently for the voicemail to announce the date and time of the message; it was left tonight, a few hours ago...right after I dropped her off. As I was starting to muse in self-loathing once more, the familiar and statuesque voice of Arisa came over the phone. Her face instantly dictated my mind again as I tried to pay attention.

    There was something wrong with her voice, it was depressed. She had just gotten done crying. She respects Matsuda and the others for caring about her well-being, about her in general. She was apologizing for what she said to me, how awful she felt. She was crying again, telling me this time that she didn't mean what she said. I almost hung up when she was wondering why I would spend a fraction of my life with her, but I opted to listen to the rest of the message.

    "Kai, if you listen to this, believe all that I'm saying. I still love you so much and I didn't mean to say those things to you. The farther away you move, the more and more I'm ripped open but don't let that weigh you down...if you care anymore." of course I cared...more than anything. Then the last words I heard from her, "I love you, Kai! I love you!" click.

    I shut the phone and abruptly handed it back to Matsuda, frustrated. Everybody was staring at me, waiting for me to say something. I wanted to die. I shouldn't have listened to that message, it's only making things worse.

    "Kai?" Matsuda whispered, stepping closer.

    I stood up abruptly with Arisa's ring still held firmly in my hand, "We'll leave her be. We'll see if she can pull through or not. Matsuda..." I turned to him, "Find an alternative for Arisa's safety so she can stay here, if she's not fending well there."

    I was doubting there would be much luck with that. Highly doubting. It's selfish of both of us to covet each other when we're supposed to be concentrating on her safety. I was serious about leaving her alone for a while, avoiding contact and seeing if she could fend for herself. It's something I wouldn't enjoy, but it's for her...it's all for her.

    I looked down, swallowed whole by concern and self-loathing and I closed my eyes, I love you too, Arisa. I'm sorry.