• “My Worst Nightmare”

    --------------I stared at my phone, expecting some little beep and the bright screen to pop up saying I have a message. Or for “The Distance” to ring telling me he’s calling. It’s been three days…three days. You know what that feels like right??? No, you’re a diary…you’ve never felt anything and you never will. I can’t describe it because also the fact that you’re a diary brings up the whole you have no imagination. Believe me, it’s hard enough to be alone over the summer, but now my boyfriend and I are fighting over something totally stupid and- well, it’s my fault. At least I think it is.

    “Stupid phone! RING ALREADY!” I yelled, throwing it across my room into a pile of stuffed animals that collapsed around it like an avalanche. Of course, THEN it decided to ring. I dove into the pile after it and flipped it open while I was still buried head-first up to my waist in stuffed animals (yeah I have a lot). “Hello?”

    “Hey…Jess? It’s Andy.” YES! Finally the call I’ve been waiting for!

    “Um, hold on- buried in stuffed animals, long story- don’t ask.” a few minutes later and I was out of the stuffed animals and perched on my window seat. Now, I’m a firm believer in signs…and when the rain began to fall from the moody sky in huge fat drops that I could actually tell were tear shaped? Well…biggest bad sign ever. I had a weird feeling in my stomach, and that was just the beginning.

    “Jess?” Andy’s voice was all funny, he sounded a bit awkward.

    “Yeah?” I could feel my voice quiver, there were goose bumps up and down my arms and these weren’t the normal kind I got when I was talking to Andy. We both started talking at once…

    “Andy, listen I’m sorry about the other day. I was acting stupid, you know, PMS.” I said…

    “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve been thinking a lot about things, you and me…us.” he said…

    “W-what?” I stammered, I’d spoken a lot faster so I heard the ‘you and me [pause] us’. There was a cough and shuffling in the background.

    “Jess? It’s not working out. You’re way too insensitive, and we just don’t match up anymore,” he said blankly, “plus…I’ve met someone and-”

    “You’re breaking up with me- and you already have a back up?!” I blurted, well…I kind of screamed it at him, which would explain the silence afterwards, “What are you going to say next-” I began, he broke into the middle before I even finished

    “I’ve been seeing her for six weeks.” he said, of course I was still mid-sentence…

    “-you’ve been cheating on me!?” then I registered his interjection, “Oh my god!” I slammed my phone shut and threw it as hard as I could at the wall, the little battery pack popped out and the screen cracked sending whatever stuff they put in it spewing all over my closet doors, then the whole thing started smoking. I was too upset to cry, too upset to move, to see, to hear, to breathe- and then I started getting light-headed. I took in a deep, ragged breath and tried to stand up. I stumbled forward a few steps then fell over where I curled up into a ball and pretty much died.

    -------------------------And that’s where my mom found me. My breathing was shallow, my eyes were dim, my heart was practically bleeding on the floor. She tried to ask me what was wrong but all I could do was make funny noises in the back of my throat like some kind of tripped out frog. So there I was, with my mom sitting on the floor awkwardly patting my back and trying to find out what happened. I tried and tried to tell her what had happened. She looked over and saw what was left of my phone, the singed carpet around it, the black spot on the lavender wall…then it was like she understood.

    “Oh baby, I’m sorry…I’m so sorry.” I just whimpered, “Listen, do you need anything.” I shivered and curled up tighter. She sighed and stood up, then I could feel the pity in her eyes stabbing me like little needles as she looked down at me. What was wrong with me? Why could some guy breaking up with me hurt me like this? Maybe because we’d been going out for a total of two years and I thought I loved him, maybe because I’d given him what was left of my heart and tried to trust someone just to have it shoved in my face. Six weeks of what I thought was a perfect two years he’d been with someone else too. Then I glimpsed the clock and saw my mom was home early- it was only 11:00? Why was she- I rolled over and found my expo marker and the little whiteboard people communicated to me with when I was on the phone. As I wrote I looked up at her face, it was drawn and nervous, full of dread. Had she been crying? What wasn’t she telling me?

    With my shaky hand I managed to scribble ‘what is it?’ across the board. Her face lost what little color it had left and she shook her head.

    “No, Jess not now.” I erased the board and tried to speak, my throat was still tight and I just squeaked, I gave up and took up my marker again, ‘Yes now.’ I wrote furiously. Her shoulders sank and she sighed again, “Well, Jess your cousin got in a car wreck. He was in the hospital for a while, but they couldn’t help him.”


    No- this couldn’t be happening.


    ‘Which ONE’ I wrote in big letters, my handwriting was getting progressively messier as this conversation went on. She looked away and I pointed at the sign again urgently.

    “Caleb.” I froze and the board fell from my hands to the ground with a muffled thunk. Andy, Caleb- who else was I going to lose today? My brother? My grandparents? Any of my many aunts and uncles? Any of my other wide-spread cousins? I stumbled back and made contact with the window seat, where I kind of fell/sat and shook like a leaf. Colors swam in pools before me and I got really dizzy, I felt sick, my arms and legs were like rubber, I didn’t blink, and my eyes burned like they were on fire. That’s when the tears came. I hugged my knees against my chest and squeezed them, crying into the rough fabric of my blue jeans. My mom stepped forward to try to comfort me but then decided what I need was to be alone and left…


    -------------------------Three days later I was in my black dress, my hair was pulled into an elaborate braid with a black and red rose circlet around by forehead. I held a single red rose in my hands, the thorns were stabbing my fingers and I could tell my make-up was running down my face because I was crying. There were a lot of people there surrounding the open casket where Caleb’s pale face gazed blankly up at the cloudy sky, I didn’t see any of them. To me? I was the only one there. The priest said some prayer that I wasn’t paying attention to, then I was motioned forward. I stepped towards the casket and laid my rose across his interwoven fingers beside the ones of the rest of the family then took a deep breath. No one had any words of inspiration, just tears and unspoken regrets. Things they wished they could tell Caleb they never had a chance to. The only thing I heard was sobs at various decibels. A little girl stood out to me, she was so little…she was only crying because everyone else was. She didn’t understand why, she was just crying.

    --------------Now it was my turn. There was a song he’d help me write a long time ago that I’d been asked to sing at the funeral. I’d practiced so hard, to perfect it. Every eye watched the casket being lowered behind me as I sang words I didn’t even recognize, words I couldn’t understand. Despite the tears, my voice was clear and loud, I knew everyone could understand me. I just- couldn’t hear anything at all anymore. It was all muffled and far away, miles away.

    -------------------------An hour after the funeral everyone was gathered around inside a “reception” room. It had begun to rain shortly after the last shovel full of dirt was scooped onto the grave and everyone rushed inside. I however? I was soaked through to the skin. I stayed, in the cold rain. I was already numb, so it didn’t bother me at all. I cried and cried until I was out of tears then made my way through the wind and rain to the place the family had assembled. Now there I was, sitting on the floor with my shoes off, plucking dead, wet leaves from the hem of my dress. It was one of those beautiful black gowns that had a train kind of like a wedding dress did only it wasn’t as long. Of course I’d gone and ruined it- but who cares? I wasn’t going to prom anymore now was I? As I sat there, dripping and plucking leaves, the lyrics to a song I loved…



    Honestly,
    what will become of me?
    Don’t like reality,
    It’s way too clear to me…
    But really,
    Life is dandy
    We are but we don’t feel
    Miss everything they’re dreaming

    Flames to dust-
    lovers to friends…
    why do all good things come to an end?
    Flames to dust-
    Lovers to friends…
    Why do all good things come to an end?
    Come to an end…come to an
    Why do all good things come to an end?
    Come to an end…come to an end…come to an
    Why do all good things come to an end?

    Traveling, I
    only stop at exits
    Wondering if I’ll stay
    Young and restless
    Living this way is stress-less
    I want you to know
    I’ll pull away when that dream dies
    The pain sets in and I don’t cry
    I only feel gravity
    And I wonder why…

    Flames to dust-
    lovers to friends…
    why do all good things come to an end?
    Flames to dust-
    Lovers to friends…
    Why do all good things come to an end?
    Come to an end…come to an
    Why do all good things come to an
    Come to an end…come to an
    Why do all good things come to an end?

    - All Good Things (come to an end) - Nelly furtado


    “Jess?” I looked up to see my stepbrother smiling down at me, “You okay?” I smiled back weakly, believe me I wanted to tell him everything, ‘NO!’ I wanted to scream, ‘NO! I’m NOT alright, I want to cry and scream and disown god and the world! I want to go to my emo corner and live the rest of my hopeless life and die alone!’ but instead I decided I wouldn’t let them see me cry. I wouldn’t let them see me, who they all said was strong, become the weak little girl I wanted to be.

    “I’m fine.” Thank god the rain had washed away the black streaks the eyeliner and mascara had made, “What about you?”

    “I’ll survive. You went through a lot in one day- Mom told me. First Andy then Caleb, I’m surprised you didn’t do something drastic.” he had no idea, oh he had no idea. I just shrugged and he handed me a coke which I popped open and took a few gulps. It didn’t satisfy me, I needed something stronger, but alcohol was the next thing up. I wasn’t crazy. Just the tiny glass of champagne at New Years made me loopy- and that wasn’t even an OUNCE. It was strangely loud inside, people were talking just to talk. Milling about like lost puppies, trying to find someone who wanted to keep off the subject of what was happening.

    “You know what? I think I’m going to do something nice, I’m going to write a book. A book, yeah and Caleb’s going to be the star.” I smiled, my brother just looked at me- but I wasn’t even talking to him. It was more thinking out loud than actually talking, “Yeah, and I’m going to call it All Good Things.”


    I didn’t tell him this- but I had promised myself that I would live for real this time. I was living a new life now- and I wasn’t going to go in a quivering heap this time.