• Things Are Twilight
    I’m just sitting here looking out the window realizing how today’s weather is infecting my emotions, like a cold on top of cancer. The depressing rain is adding to my already razor thin emotions. The sky is an empty grey and the rain is coming down in dramatic sheets, my only thought is I must be in a movie because the whole setting is surreal. I finally bring my attention back to the classroom as my peers in my literary club slowly and shakily march up to the front and one by one share their poems and short stories. As I count off each student my feeling of dread is increased knowing I’m only one person away.
    I whisper to myself, “God, why’d I write this?”
    Obviously not quiet enough because my friend turns and asks, “Huh, what’s that hon?”
    “Oh nothing, I just don’t want to read today.” I reply.
    “Oh, come on!” she says with sarcasm in her voice, “you’ve done this before, so don’t punk out now!”
    The support was well needed and I thanked her for the punk out speech.
    “Hey, it’s your turn!” the teachers say to me with such enthusiasm that tells me they haven’t read my poem beforehand. The usual symptoms of stress begin- shaky legs and arms, lightheadedness, and the desire to escape this horrid place, though filled with friendly faces, to the comforts of home.
    While my flight to safety is playing in my head I look up and realize I’m standing in front of the class, feeling like fresh meat for a wolf pack to devour. But just as a free thinker who stands up to the gallows for all free thinkers of the world I press on. The only thing to hope for is that the class is too bored to listen, simply waiting their turn, or have contributed and are feeling sorry for me because I am about to take the plunge. I grip my life line, the poem that holds my future.
    “Go ahead the class is ready.” The teachers say to me with so much expectation.
    I open my mouth and my brain decides to rebel and issues the command to choke. Now the bored, the nervous, and the grateful are looking at me as one. Not sure if this collective look is one of awe or on the brink of something I never want to experience.
    Suddenly someone calls out “Come on, you can do it!” The class breaks out in a brief burst of laughter.
    Just that summoned the courage in me I needed, so I take a deep breath and begin.

    Live or die/ evil
    Fly by as one man begins to die the hollow world I look down and sip from pure wine
    Sitting back
    Relax
    Begin to laugh
    Someone had dared to call upon my wrath and don’t I give what is asked
    The person he was masked but so transparent
    Couldn’t help but have my fun
    I might be evil but I’m not to blame for your out come…

    I raise my head not knowing if anybody is listening, or understands. A startling outburst from a no- longer friend shakes me. “I can’t take it any more, you think you’re so great, but you just wreck lives! Go somewhere where you won’t screw people over!” The class looks at him. Everyone knows well what he is talking about; all but the teachers.
    His girlfriend stands, “Sit down or get out!” she states clearly with power in her voice. He tries to bicker with her but to no avail.
    “Go on,” she assures me with a smile. As they sit down, he looks out the window like I only minutes before. I continue.
    I give the opportunity you make the choice
    Live or die
    But I begin again
    Fly by as one man begins to die the hollow world I look down and sip from pure wine
    Sitting back
    Relax
    Begin to laugh
    Don’t you feel special?
    I love you more and more,
    Fooled you now and then,
    But I want you no more
    This in me, my heart, your eyes, no, how apart is my mind from sanity
    Is it truly falling behind or am I being to selfish
    Your eyes only see white and blackish figures
    But things are twilight
    I do I say but no longer that sad child you remember
    I am here as I watch you die
    Looking down on our empty past
    I swallow the bitter truth
    Standing up
    Tearing up
    Crying
    The line goes flat
    I smirk
    Fade out
    Laughter in the dark
    Take a bow

    Once again I look up trying to gauge the mixed emotions I feel filling the air. I try to stand tall and look directly at everyone not sure what I really wanted to see. In some, I see a strange happiness and understanding. In others there is a confusion or indecisiveness, still thinking over some parts or the entire poem. Then there are those like my no-longer friend, filled with hate and animosity.
    It becomes clear to me, when you take a chance with friends and are looking for unconditional approval that the outcome can be varied and unpredictable. So I no longer wait to see what the outcome is and I remember my poem. I am responsible for my outcome, so I can confidently say there is some flow to my poem. I move on with my life, writing more poems, explaining my truest emotions. Not always does it rain in my life, nor does life guarantee sunshine. Sometimes I just sit back and enjoy the twilight.