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Part One
Chapter One
Tuesday, August 13 2034
10:15 am
tab A soft breeze brushed through the open meadow, ruffling over the over-grown grass and tall Daisies. A small, shy girl sat on a high, secluded branch in a tall Oak tree. A soft musical note cut through the humming summer air, then another and another until each separate note joined together to compose a soft, sweet melody. A young man sat below her at the trunk of the old Oak tree, basking in the cool shade its leaves provided. His husky voice sang along to the song.
tab A dark, hooded figure crept up behind them and cleared his throat. The young man, startled, turned to see who it was. Just as immediately, the music from above ceased, and the summer air was thick with tension. The girl dropped down from the tree to land next to her brother and they both stared at the hooded figure wary of his intent.
tab “Wh-who are you?” the young man asked forcing bravery into his quavering voice. The mysterious man removed his hood and revealed a smiling mask. His eyes shone through the slits dancing with amusement. The young girl grabbed at her brothers hand and the resemblance between the two was undeniable. She took a step away from the masked man and tried to pull her brother along. He, taking after their mother, stubbornly refused to budge. The man took another step forward and tilted his head to the side, gazing at the two as if they were a science project. The young man’s knees began to shake with fear. “I said reveal yourself!” he cried again his voice betraying the calm image he tried to portray. The man laughed again and took another step forward. The masked man produced a small blood-splattered dagger and raised it slowly above his head. The young girl let out a gasp and pulled at her brother’s arm more desperately. This time he eased and took a few stumbling steps backwards. With each step he took back the man took forward and the dagger rose higher above his head. Then, like a cobra strike, the dagger came plunging down into the young man’s shoulder. He gave a cry of pain and crumpled to the ground. The young girl shrieked and pulled at him even harder. Her brother held his injured shoulder and gazed up at the maniacal man in fear. The man laughed and raised the dagger again, higher every second in preparation for another strike.
tab “Brother! Let’s go! Get up!” the girl pleaded and then the boy rose to his shaky feet and turned and ran with his sister. The masked man laughed and began to walk slowly behind them, humming the very tune the young man sang not but a moment before.
- by Miss_Comet |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 04/12/2010 |
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- Title: A Murder Novel
- Artist: Miss_Comet
- Description: It's the first chapter of the novel I've been working on and I'm planning on sending it in to be published so... give me some feedback please!
- Date: 04/12/2010
- Tags: murder novel
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Comments (7 Comments)
- Miss_Comet - 05/25/2010
- Ooh I feel silly~ I didn't know there was a tab button in the Gaia formatting! Okay I've changed things accordingly!
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- Miss_Comet - 05/25/2010
- Yeah you're right! Thanks so much guys this is great advice~
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- PaperSongs - 05/24/2010
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I would also change:
A soft musical note cut through the humming summer air, then another until each separate note joined together to compose a soft, sweet melody
TO
A soft musical note cut through the humming summer air, then another and another until each separate note joined together to compose a soft, sweet melody.
It feels like you missed only two words but they make all the difference. - Report As Spam
- PaperSongs - 05/24/2010
- I agree with sadistcake here, you really rushed into this sort of... head first, I guess. It really feels rushed, like you've missed a few words. In the first sentence I would replace the word 'blew' (which to me seems ill fitted here) with grazed, or brushed. (Brushed being preferable, in my case.)
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- SadistCake - 05/23/2010
- its pretty good....maybe try and fix the formatting a little (there is a tab button for this)..its also a little...underdeveloped. I understand the want to make this a mysterious encounter, just be careful you don't overdo it and forget to tell the reader necessary information smile
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- Miss_Comet - 04/13/2010
- Thank you! I appreciate it! Spread the word!
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- GONE4EVAR - 04/13/2010
- Thats amazing! I would love to read the rest of the story. Once you've written it all, PM me? biggrin
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