• Unavoidable

    I stared at the picture in my hands, feeling my gut wrench. I wanted to tear it to shreds, but I hesitated, afraid of what the consequences of that action might entail. Roxanne had told me never to do it, that horrible events could unfold due to a vain attempt to change the future. She made me promise never to do it, no matter what I saw, what I drew. But...did that apply to this situation? When either choice I made would result in something disastrous for me? Though, I wasn't being fair; I couldn't think only about myself. This vision could affect the entire world.

    I carefully placed the picture on the table and stared at it, wishing that it would change, that I wouldn't have to follow through with it. But I knew wishing was useless. Either I could ignore what I had drawn and possibly risk the destruction of the human race, or I could do the unthinkable.

    I closed my eyes, my body shaking. I knew what Roxanne would want me to do. The choice for her would be simple, a no-brainer, but she wasn't sane. She had lost her mind after dying and coming back, though maybe it wasn't even that simple. Maybe it was really that she wasn't Roxanne anymore, just an echo of who I had known. She told me that there was a separate entity that shared her body; I wasn't so sure that was true. I think it was a defense, a lie to make her feel better and not to worry me.

    She wouldn't hesitate in her decision.

    But...it wasn't that easy for me. I couldn't...I just couldn't. I was still feeling morose and unsure of what to do when I heard the front door open. My head snapped up at the sound of Roxanne's voice calling out a greeting. I snatched the picture I had drawn off the table and folded it up, stuffing it into my pocket. I was just standing up when Roxanne appeared in the doorway, and probably noticing my strained expression, her welcoming smile vanished.

    "What's wrong?" she asked.

    "Um...nothing?"

    She scowled. "******** that, Matt. I'm serious."

    I shifted my weight to my left foot and stared at her.

    Her scowl deepened and she crossed the room in a few large, ground-eating strides. She stopped directly in front of me. I shrank away, the back of my legs hitting the edge of the table when I ran out of space to move.She was a good three inches taller than me, but at that moment it could have easily been a foot with the way she loomed.She shoved me, forcing me to sit down on the table.

    "What's wrong?" she repeated.

    I glanced away from her as I tried futilely to come up with some excuse, some way that I could conveniently not mention my vision.

    "I...I..."

    She grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled me forward until we were only a mere inch apart. "Matt." Her voice had lost it's hard edge and had fallen to a whisper. "Matt, I can't help you unless you tell me what's wrong?"

    With big, round eyes, I stared at her. I knew what I had to do, but I couldn't. It wasn't fair. "Roxanne, I love you."

    She smiled at me. "I know. I love you, too. So, please, just tell me what the problem is."

    "B-but I love you."

    She blinked in confusion and slowly let me sit back down on the table. "That's the problem? I don't understand."

    I glanced away again, determined not to give away what I knew because if she were to find out, she'd have me follow through with the vision, and I was scared to do that.

    "Matt..."

    I carefully returned my attention to her. Her eyes were huge and innocent, and I found myself being drawn to them, pulled into her gaze with the way she looked at me. I tried to pull back, but she knew what she was doing, weakening my defenses, trying to get me to tell her my secret. She knew how to pull my strings and press my buttons. And she was great at it.

    My tongue felt swollen as I tried to speak, the words coming out jumbled and slurred. "Can't. I love...please..." Tears filled my eyes."I don't want...this."

    She leaned away from me, a puzzled frown on her face. "What do you mean?"

    I tried to look away, but somehow I found myself still watching her, staring into her smoky blue eyes as my mouth hung slightly ajar. Roxanne stepped away from me, her arms crossed over her chest.

    "Matt, I demand that you tell me what's going on. This isn't funny. I don't like seeing you this way."

    Finally, I was able to tear my gaze away from her. I stood up, my arms hanging limply by my sides. "Roxanne?"

    "Yes?"

    "Are you afraid of dying?"

    She smiled serenely at me. "Not anymore. After dying once, I'm use to it."

    "I'm afraid." I could feel my bottom lip trembling.

    She came to stand beside me, wrapping her arms around me. "Don't worry, Matt. You're not going to die. I'll protect you."

    I looked up at her, and suddenly my whole body was shaking as I stared into her loving face. She frowned again and held me tighter, smoothing my hair down. "Sh," she said. "Everything will be okay. Why are you so scared?"

    I inched my hand into my pocket, feeling the edges of the paper there. "I love you, Roxanne."

    "Matt, you're scaring me."

    I pulled the picture out, holding it in a clenched fist as Roxanne hugged me. "I'm sorry," I said. "I don't mean to scare you, but I...I just wish things could be different for us."

    She unwound her arms from around me and pushed me back to arms length. "How so?"

    I slowly lifted my hand up, uncurled my fingers so that the now crinkled paper rested on my palm. Roxanne stared at it for a moment and then hesitantly reached out and picked it up. She unfolded it and went deathly still. Something passed through her eyes, and when she looked back up at me, I could see the cold clarity in her eyes, the resolution to follow through with the vision I'd had.

    To save the world, a bunch of people that she'd never met.

    "R-Roxanne." My voice trembled.

    "You know it must be done," she said, her own voice cold and emotionless. I felt a shiver pass through my body as I realized that this was no human speaking to me. Whatever Roxanne had become after dying...she wasn't human. No one I knew could speak so nonchalantly about death. No one would look at me as if I was such an insignificant sacrifice.

    I knew it was the only way, but it still scared me. I didn't want this.

    Roxanne pulled me back into her arms, pressing my face against her chest until I couldn't breath. I struggled against her, fear savagely tearing around inside of my gut. But it was useless. I couldn't break her hold, I couldn't pull away. My lungs burned and my head became light. The world turned upside down as my knees buckled. I dropped to the ground, falling away from Roxanne. She stared with cold detachment at me before kneeling down beside me. The picture fell from her hands, and I watched it drifting through the air. The hurriedly sketched lines of my death all too plain.

    "Rox--" She pulled my head up and pressed my face against her again. I didn't struggle this time, just hung limply in her arms, waiting for it to end.

    It's the right thing to do.

    To save the lives of countless people from what I would have done to them if I had lived long enough.

    It was the right thing.

    It was right.

    It was.

    But then why did it feel so wrong?

    There was an instant more of the agonizing burning of my lungs, and then I heard Roxanne whispering so softly that I could barely hear her, "I'm sorry."

    And then nothing.