• You ever have one of those days where you just wanted to blow your brains out? Just wanted to place the gun to your head and pull the trigger? Well so did I.... the difference between you and me right now? You didn't do it. I did, I placed a gun to my temple and shot myself with my dad's gun. I can remember it all, the things going through my mind, what my last thought was, debating if I should have written a suicide note before hand. But the one thing I remember the most, was that pain, that excruciating pain I felt when the bullet went through. I remember falling off my bed and onto my bedroom floor. I remember laying in a pool of my own blood as my body jerked and I coughed up just pure crimson. It was only for a few moments but it felt like hours of going through that. Feeling a throbbing pain go everywhere, each of my nerves ablaze with the sensation of my brain giving out. A numbness consumed me before my body went limp and I was standing there, staring over the black hair now marred in blood and the light pink specs of what I assumed was brain, the back of my white shirt was being soaked in crimson and my black jeans were getting little pools of it coming onto the fabric. I watched mom come running into my room pushing the door open and saw her horrified face as she looked upon my corpse. I saw her eyes grow wide and her hand cover her mouth as she began to cry. She burst into bitter tears that ran down her cheeks as she slid on the wall to the floor. She held herself as she cried and I just watched her. There was no light around me, no door, just me watching her cry her eyes out. I watched her for what seemed like days of her just crying, I wondered if someone could cry that much without running out of tears and having to replace them with blood.

    When my dad finally came home he walked into the room and just.. stood there. Stood there looking at my lifeless body then at my mother. But he didn't hug mom or go to me.... he just stood there before taking the phone and making a call. Soon after my body was taken away and I just wandered my house like I was still alive. I couldn't take my house for more then a day, I finally walked off to school, letting people and cars walk through me as they got chills from walking into me. I made it to my school, the day was just beginning and I went to my normal spot where my friends would be and I saw them all depressed and crying. They were holding each other and just plain numb after they found out what happened. I saw them, each one of their crying faces with tears stained their cheeks. It was... all so surreal seeing them but not being able to go up and hug them. Seeing their tears and for what? Because I was stupid enough to kill myself not thinking about them? Then again...that was what I wanted..I wanted to know if they would miss me..if I mattered. Well, those questions were answered the moment they all cried together.

    The school held some kind of memorial service for me a few days later, it was the same day as the visitation and with nothing else to do I decided to go to my own visitation. What else was I to do? There was nothing telling me what to do from here on so I just went about my wandering. I stood right by my own corpse, the casket was open to my surprise and I found it amazing how they fixed me up. They tastefully arranged flowers around my head to hide the bullet wound, my eyes were shut and my skin looked too pale. My black hair was draped around me and I was wearing a black dress. It was nice, about to my mid calf with heels that laced up to meet the dress. I stared at my closed eyes for a moment until people came up and I examined their faces as they said their goodbyes to me.

    The night before the official funeral I stayed inside the chapel with my casket. I brought my knees to my chest as I leaned back on the wall. I wondered why I was even here, why there was nothing for me, why I was still on the Earth even though my consciousnesses had clearly left the mortal plain. I closed my eyes and slept, or what I think was sleep..I didn't dream, it was more like getting lost into thought for so long that I didn't realize it was day time till someone walked through me. The start was what awoke me over anything else and I looked out to find that the funeral had begun.

    There were less people, only family there to see me off officially, I stayed and watched the service, I joined the procession in the back of my aunt's car, it was too painful to be with my parents. And I followed as my body was being put into the ground, six feet of dirt thrown over my mortal being. Though, as everyone else left, I stayed and just watched the grave before me. And that is where I am now, sitting here beside my tomb stone. God knows how long its been since then, no one has come to leave so much as a single rose in what seems like forever. I still wear the same shirt and jeans, I watch as other ghosts come in and wander for a while before leaving. Yet still, I stay finding no purpose in anything else at all. I threw everything away...just for one of those days....