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The title seems to imply that I'm getting married. Don't be fooled. This journal entry is all about something far more complex going on in my life. As most of you know, my parents have just recently been released from prison. They were in prison for two years. Apparently, during that time, they both had made some changes. Most of these changes I hope to God change pretty quick! My father is manic depressive and bi-polar. My mom seems to be pretty well psychologically. Even though my parents are living in two seperate homes, they call each other almost every night on the phone.

To get to my point, my father claims that "he married a stranger". Translation: "I think she's the problem in this marriage because she's changed, but in all actuallity, it's me that's changed because I screwed my mind up to the point of no return with dugs and now I'm a complete psychopath!" (I realize I just made my point using a wretched run-on sentence) Either way, what would a person do in my mom's situation? If you marry a person that you believe you know inside and out, what happens when they screw up their personality and psychological health to the point where they're someone completely different? My mom simply walked out of prison with a bit of a temper problem, but nothing more. Whereas my dad...well you know, I just told you.

I am a person who hates how common divorce has become in America, but would this situation actually make divorce an acceptable option for her? I am almost convinced that it would. If there was no way to bring back the man I thought I married some 20 years ago, I would have no other option either.

They both end up fighting every time they simply speak to one another. They have become polar opposites and they can't agree on anything anymore. I am honetly sick of hearing everyone's bitching! I just want things to be back to how they were before. But what if who they were before was just them on drugs? What if my parents will never become normal again? I apologize for all the questions but I just want to let you get an idea of what I've been thinking lately.

So, after all of this has been said and done, I have been presented with the most important question to myself. Do I really want marriage? After I have witnessed all that has gone on with my parents and other people's horror stories about their marriage, I really don't think it's something I want. Granted, I realize that my marriage will never contain drugs of any kind, therefore, I probably wouldn't have the same problems as my parents did. I'm just afraid I won't find the right person or I'll end up with someone who loves my reproductive organs more than they love me (A guy that only wants to marry to have a kid). I guess you could say that marriage has me paranoid.

The type of guy that I would express interest in is intelligent, humorous, and has to at least look nice to an extent. You don't have to be steaming hot or anything (although that would be a huge plus). I would have to be able to share anything with him and vice versa. Telling the truth would have to be essential to my marriage. But I suppose I'm just dreaming, because these types of guys are few and far between, or so it seems. Any input on this would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks a ton for reading my rant!