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alright been about 2 months since i posted in this. lets see now, normal self esteem girl is done with the relationship with mcasshole, instead she made me promise tht i would wait for 5 years to go out with her agian. so now shes going out with one of my friends, awesome. she says its to see how shitty other guys are compared to me but to tell the truth i think she should be with someone else, i mean ********, im no saint. its like i've said in tht poem i posted in the arena a while back, im sure as hell no saint, damn sure im no prince chamring or knight in shining armor, and im pretty damn sure im no ones wildest dream. but she says im all those things to her, tht im her prince charming, her saint, her knight in shining armor, and her wildest dreams. any way, now my life is getting to be more of an fml, im able to have fun with my friends yeah but its weird looking around and seeing all of them happily in relationships and holding the hands of the ones they love, and i look at my hands and it just kills me tht im alone. i remember my friend joked before calling me a manwhore bcuz i had so many relationships the past school year. the reason i do tht is bcuz i just need someone to love, my parnets r never around, and if they were they dont really give a damn about me. and yeah i kno b4 ive said i dont give a damn wht ppl say but today i was hurt by wht my dad said about me. he got pissed bcuz i didnt take my laundry out of the dryer when we weren't even at home when the dryer finished the cycle. he yells saying i only care about myself. i go into my room, lock the door and turn up the stereo, i punched several holes in my walls bcuz of how pissed off i was and how hurt i was. i gave up my childhood so i could do good in ******** elementry school so tht him and my mom would be proud of me, i gave up running around doing wht i want, i gave up summer vacations, i gave up everything tht made child hood childhood to make them proud of me, yet here i am the ******** dissappointment. i sat their listening to the music on the stereo after punching the walls and yelling this out. the song tht played fit perfectly to the situation, perfect by simple plan. i rested my head on my knees while i kept punching at the tile flooring until it started cracking and my knuckles had gone numb after all the punches and loss of blood. i actually cried for the first time since i was 8. and i didnt cry bcuz wht he said hurt tht much or the fact tht my body was in so much physical pain but bcuz wht happened just reminded me of how ******** up my life is. and now i just feel like killing myself, i feel like i can't last another 5 years if i keep living the way im living. i need someone, but no one really gives a damn. its like trying to scream for help in a crowded room but no sound comes out of my mouth. im losing whtever is left of my sanity and my humanity, if it keeps up i kno i'll end up unable to feel pain. i kno this bcuz they say tht when some one loses all regrets, all emotions, all fears, and all humanity, they are unable to feel pain. they could be shot by hundreds of machine guns and feel nothing. i dont want to become more of a monster than wht i already am, but it seems like if she doesnt make up her mind sooner than 5 years then thts the only path their is for me.