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I've actually been able to recall my dreams lately. The wide majority of them have been about Eric. Damn him! Why did the ultimate sweet, funny jerkwad HAVE to be my first crush! AH! It almost makes me want to cry, but I'm not giving him that satisfaction- not this time. I'm stronger now, in every way possible.
Too bad he's taller now. Taller than Stephanie, almost as tall as me. It's sort of cute annoying. It almost makes him as cute as he was then freakish as usual. Almost.
Back to the dreams. This is my dream last night.
Steph, Jaimie, Laura and I are playing on the half finished deck. Jaimie and Steph are giggling really loudly and I fall. My head splits open and I black out. When I wake up, Jaimie and Laura are spraying me with the hose. Steph is standing over me screaming, "I think it's working!" I sit up and Eric is ridding by on his bike. [It was green, by the way. Isn't that adorable queer?] Jaimie says she has to leave and Steph walks off into... well, somewhere. So Eric and I sit on my front lawn. Somehow, my normally dead lawn is magically filled with wildflowers. I pick a buttercup and hand it to him.
"Put it under your chin to see if you're in love," I whispered.
He shoves it back. "No," he states blandly.
"Yes!" I almost shout.
"No!" he screams.
I then proceed to tackle him screaming "DO IT!" He tries to fight, but just like in the 5th grade, I win.
"Fine," he huffs. He places it under his chin. I tell him to say his girlfriend's name, and in risk of having an arm broken, he complies.
Under his chin isn't yellow.
I stare at him. He doesn't look at me. "Say my name," I say.
He replaces the buttercup under his chin. I'm looking to see if it's yellow and-
My dad wakes me up. Grr! I hated him right then. I cried this morning and refused to eat. Stupid Eric, making me love remember him.
It was a nice dream, though. I really enjoyed seeing Eric, if only in my dreams the way he the ground and air felt so real.
Okay, on to the next dream. This one is broken and hard to follow, so forgive me.
I'm laying on my bed listening to music. Jack's Mannequin's 'Mixed Tape' comes on and Eric's voice is in my head. "Hello?"
"Eric? Holy s**t, is that you?"
"Yes. Now, listen to me. I don't have much time. I've come to say I've forgiven you."
"For what--?"
"You should know, Lois. You used to know everything. Just think and you'll remember."
I lay on my bed thinking, then I grab my Remnants book number 6. [It's a good series. I can't remember the individual titles, though.] It was the last book I let Eric borrow in 5th grade. As I'm flipping through the pages, I find a sticky note. I rip it out. In my handwriting, it reads as follows: 'I'm sorry. Meet me at the back corner by the gym and I'll explain.' I then wander to Stone Oak and go to the corner with the benches behind the bush things. I'm sitting and I begin to cry.
"You're dreaming, love," Eric says in my head. "But I'll always be with you."
"How?!" I shriek at no one. "You've already abandoned me."
"Just open your eyes, and I'm there."
Then I wake up. I have my 5th grade diary over my chest and the weird carnation I got from an anonymous person last year for Valentine's Day in my hand. On my computer is the weird a** sticky note. It's smeared and illegible, but you can still read the 'I'm sorry.'
Weird, no? I never even told Steph about that one.
I hate myself for it, but I still love him. I wish I knew what he felt about me- life would be easier. I wish he still liked me sees me as an equal and not a play toy like last year.
Ah, L'Amour. Why hast thou forsaken me?
Your Lord and Master,
Lois
 LongWayHome · Fri Mar 30, 2007 @ 04:14am · 2 Comments |
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