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A Deeper Understanding
I've just finished crossing out one of my older notes. It was almost everything I didn't feel anymore...I think. Yesterday I posted one of the most random journal entries. I've written in it so that everything that was in my mind, was put down on paper. What if, I wondered, if that became an every day thing..?
Sin just touched the back of my head. That creeped me out; yes I did feel it.
I just got finished taking a math test. It wasn't really all that hard. I'm so tired. We're going to CollosalCon in June! That's going to be awesome..Yesterday we went shopping at the goodwill to get stuff for Cosplay. I got a pair of shoes to be Sailor Mars, and a pair of pants to use for [Ky] [kekyo] [kikyo] [ke.]... OMG, I forgot how to spell Kikyo for a second... crying (The words in brackets are crossed out.)
I really need a life, the kid in front of me says I'm sheltered, and then the one behind me goes "Well she dosn't talk to anyone."
I'm not sheltered, really. I just don't talk to people...I tend to shy away from them. You don't get hurt that way.
-Sings- Selfishly hated no wonder you're jaded you can't blame the victom this time...
Evanescence! God, I love Amy Lee. She's such an awesome singer and writer.
I forgot to work out yesterday. I need to do so today, like...DOUBLE! Get real STRONG! Muaha!
Damn, I can't wait till school's over. And it's only 1st period! Well, the end of 1st period, anyway.
Next is law enforcement class! Dun dun DUN!
Daemon...I've been thinking about him lately. Why did I leave? I'm afraid of on-line relationships...
But god I like gim so much.
When I was with Ryan, it didn't feel like it was enough. I mean, I loved him, but he wasn't there...for me to hold or love or kiss...to see face to face, to talk...and then he wasn't there for me online, either.
What if the same thing happens to Daemon, should I actually start to love him the way I did Chad or Ryan? Would he gradually leave me the way Ryan did? Or would he all out break my heart like Chad did? Or...Would he be different..?
Hey, I can lift 210lbs with my legs! Imagine that! Although...it might be because I myself am 210lbs and they're just use to that...;.;
I hate being fat...And damn, it smells like someone bathed in Axe. I hate it when people drown themselves in that stuff; it makes me gag!
Avril Lavigne; Complicated. That's the song stuck in my head right now! I don't listen to Avril Lavigne all that much anymore...not as much as I use to, even though I still love her. But then again, I pretty much like all music.
God, I have a long way to go before lunch...Why did I want to take law? Because I didn't know what else to ******** take...that's why! I wanted to go into collision soooooo bad, but the teacher in there is being a douche. ;-;
Now I'm thinking about Amanda, and how she always seems to try to be cool/smart/whatever. She's hypocritical; she says she hates preps because they're mean and judge people based on looks.
And then she turns around and says she hates this girl because she looks like a prep. Blonde hair/blue eyes.
Grace had blonde hair/blue eyes, and she dosn't act like a prep...A little bitchy, yeah...But not preppy xD
OMG! Now I'm thinking about babies...Abortion. That's mean...I mean, I think a women should take responsibility for her actions. This whole 'every child is wanted' crap just irks me. I mean, even if it isn't born into a great life, a baby born has the ability to do something great. We probably aborted to person who could come up with a cure for cancer!
Don't get me wrong; if giving birth is going to kill you, then you've gotta do what you can to protect yourself. Self defence, women!
If you were raped...Well...I'm standing by the fact that this child can have a future but...I cannot really say no to that, can I?
I'm not like that.
Responsibility. Everything has a consequence, and if you are aware of these consequences and have done something to earn them, then they should be accepted. They're there for a reason, just like STDs. And here's the reason; sex isn't something that should be abused. Period.
I'm in my creative mood; thinking about seasons, raindrops, fantasy...
A pond hidden beond the autumn trees, the water in shades of blue and green, and the leaves in shades of orange, red and brown...
Raindrops falling and making ripples.
What if there is another world beon ours?
What if each fantasy I, or anyone else has, becomes a new realm? Yes, I want to go to the Pyro Mountains of Chordinovia. Don't I wish that there was more...But I know there is! There is no urge in anyone stronger than mine for this new realm. None.
That is why I cannot believe that this is it.
Though, some people are satisfied with this world. Maybe, that is why other realms are not easilly found; you have to want it...bad.
Reader, you may think that I am crazy, but I believe in something out there that we know nothing about.
Another realm on Earth? Could be. Another planet? Possibly. A whole nother universe? I do not know...
As you can see, Reader, I think a lot. I have ideas, I wonder and challenge reality. If this 'something more' feling is so strong, then I sincerely cannot believe that this is all.
Haven't you ever wished to fly? To walk on water, sleep on a cloud? Dream a dream?
Haven't you ever wished there was a whole nother reality?
If so, then you've known, even for just a moment, there is something more.
Yeah, that is my dreaming speach. It is all I really feel.
Guess what was stuck in my head while I was writing that? C'mon, take a guess...
You've Got to Keep Your Mind Wide Open. Terebithia.
I know, I'm a sucker for that stuff. But I believe in the unbelievable, hence I believe the words 'You've got to keep your mind wide open.'
What if everyone believed the unbelievable? Would things be more interesting? Would I have found my hidden realm sooner?
Yes, I live in a world all my own.
This, I already know.
I'm thinking about Daemon a lot. He's so sweet and easy to talk to. Darling, why haven't I seen you before?
I have...I was just afraid.
I'm not afraid anymore. Nothing can hurt me as bad as Chad did and said. I know that. What do I have to fear? Rejection? Heartache? Been there, done that. It won't feel as bad should something like that happen, would it?
But will I get over Chad?
Okay, when I get my drivers lisence(I already have my temps) I'm going to get a motorcycle lisence! I'm going to love that so much! I've always wanted to ride one, but grandma would kill me...
Damn, this is a long-a** entry. Are you still reading this? You need a date, seriously!
That's okay, I do, too! D:
I'm not getting one, though.
If I were to go with anyone, it would be Daemon.
Be that as it may, I've allowed memories of Chad awaken my reluctent-to-die love. The memory, after we watched V for Vandetta, there was a line in the movie...It said, "I knew I never wanted to kiss anyone's lips but hers..."
He said that's how he felt about me. I thought about it in History class while I was feeling, somewhat over him.
He said that was how he felt about me. But you know what? He said a lot of things, and then took them back.
"Things change". Only when you don't want to keep the promises already made, love.
None-the-less, I've allowed the memory to give me false hope once again. Like so many times before.
I hate myself, and I wish I could hate him.
Does he have a hold on my soul, that when I wonder farther he pulls it back to him where he could torment me to no end..?
No matter...I'll break free of this retched curse someday...and then I'll be more careful. Even with Daemon...I'll be careful.
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Community Member
My closing advice. is advice i was given by someone who is worried sick of june. My older sister. That is your one and only heart. Guard it well and keep it safe. for one day it will be all you have left.