A Life Worth Fighting For: Ch1

• Artist: darkangel9194
• Description: Well I had this really crazy dream so I decided to make it into a couple of chapters. If it's not good to you, oh well, it's my dream, I didn't control it. I only enhanced it. Please don't aware me of spelling errors because I'm not all that great with typing. Keep im mind that this is told by jounal entries, so how the story is told will be different. But please leave comments and tell me if I should put chapter two in the arenas.
• Date: 02/02/2009
• Tags: death running shooting army hunted

I had just woken up on a Wednesday morning to the smell of pancakes in the kitchen. I rolled out of bed and dressed for the school day. Ugh! The uniforms are so annoying! I can't wait for high school so I don't have to wear them. "Helen! Breakfeast is ready!" my mom yells from the kitchen. That was the start to the worst day of my life.
* * *

May 1
Today was terrible. That's all I have to say in summary. During third period today the office called me down. My friends, Lily and Grace look, at me as if saying "What did you do?" I just shrug and leave. When I get down to the office my mom is there waiting for me. Oh great. What did I do this time? I think. As soon as I get in there my mom starts yelling at me, saying that I need to leave school now. I try asking questions but she won't answer.
While we drove home, she started answering my questions. "There are ten people that the U.S. army is after and you are on the list. I can't have you in school because they don't want any of you alive and that's an easy place to find you." I start to believe that she has gone insane until she turns on the radio.
And sure enough it said, "The U.S. Army is hunting down the following:" They listed ten names. Mine was the third. I recognized anothere name, some girl I go to school with. Mary.
"Why do they want us?" I ask. My mom says they haven't said why but that us 10 are going into hiding.
"I'm going to get you what you need to survive." she tells me. "I don't know where you're going but you need supplies. Just then we pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store.
We were inside for a while. Getting stuff like socks, gloves, and anything else to stay warm. My mom also got me a lot of food. What do I look like? A camel? I'm not going to be able to carry all this stuff around!
When we finally checked out (and we got the weirdest look from the cashier) we ran onto this boy. He was one of the ten they were hunting down. "Hi. I'm Ben. Can I offer you any help taking those bags to your car?" he asked my mom.
Oh, he was so cute! His hair was a smooth brown and his face was flawless. I was hoping my mom would say yes. But instead she said, "No thanks we don't need any help." I was (and still am) mad at her for not letting him help! So he said he would see me later and left.
When we got home we packed all my supplie up in backpacks. Surprisingly it all fit into two packs. My mom said that I would leave late tonight. I will probably see Lily and Grace again soon. The army will forget about us and say we are free. I just hope I can survive on granola bars and water.
Around 10:30 my mom drove me to the edge of some forrest a few cities away. I could see the other nine people already there. I got out of the car and found Ben waiting for me. We just started talking and joking around, while the parents talked in hushed voices.
About twenty minutes passed until the adults came to say goodbye to all of us. I embraced my mother for what would be the last time for a while. I know I'll see everyone again real soon. But when we all started walking into the forrest and I looked back, I got the feeling that I would never see my mother again.

Comments

[Bumbl3Lov3]

I'm liking it so far! ^^ I know how you feel to have an interesting dream and have to add ALOT of details to make it a book. My book i'm writing is based off of a dream i had. Only mine was a fantasy world. I'd love it if you would read mine! It's called 'Pharling' you'll find the first two and a half chapters in my Gallery.

[DiamondWings 23]

It was fine for me, I agree with [[Beautiful]] l i e.
If your writing in a journal form, you can't write down what the other person feels/thinks.
And you can also leave out the italics.
Its not needed.
But, so far so good. Keep it up!

[Pyrrhic Victini]

The biggest thing that will turn people away is the wall o' text. If you separate it out it will be much easier to read. Other than that, I have to agree that a journal-esq format of writing is not the best way to write something, as it doesn't allow for any suspense. However, if you choose to keep writing it like a journal be sure not to hint at the emotions of others other than the main character, since a journal would be the main character's point of view/opinion after all.

[Nick Dabe]

I really like the journal format, but it seems like a diary, its nice, and the storyline is good also, yes, i think u should put chapter 2 in the arena...

[jgirl39]

It sounds a lot like a diary entry, which isn't necessarily the best thing for a narrative. Like Necrovius said, seperate the dialogue out - even something so small will help a lot. Write about how you feel as well, to make it more intriguing (e.g. I stared at my mother, uncomprehending. I knew I was shaking, but there was nothing I could do to stop it). Keep on with the story, though!

[The Fallen 19]

I have to agree with Necrovius, but it's still good. Rate mine too?

[Markition Necrovius]

The biggest bits of advice I can give you are; separate out your dialog better, and to show, not tell. One of the most important things in writing, is to show the reader that something is true, not to tell them straight out. This is done with dialog, actions, and events, not through the narrator. Now I understand that you're going for a journalistic form of storytelling, but I'd like to advise you to reconsider that. I feel like this would be an interesting piece if you went for real-time prose.