Loss

• Artist: racket444
• Description: ok. Has whoever is reading this ever seen an anime called Mushi Shi? If you have than all I should have to say is episode 14 and you'll probably understand this poem perfectly. I thought up this poem while listening to the song at the end of the episode. When I first saw it it had a pretty powerful impression on me.
• Date: 06/25/2009
• Tags: loss

Love, it pains me deep inside
Bleeding out my simple life
Filling me and complicating
Joy once was now only aching
Curling up into my sadness
Watering my lack of gladness
Tears of others weighs my mind
Hurt falls down around my eyes

I long to fix their broken stories
Bring a light to fade their worries
All I do is cry inside
Cannot mend their hurting lives
And in this pain I know my brother
How it feels to lose another

Comments

[Taste of a Raindrop]

You did an excellent job with the meter in this poem. I am very impressed. And the poem itself was good. I find that sometimes I have poetry in my head from things like that.

Make sure that everything in your poem that rhymes is perfectly in sync, rhythmically, with whatever it rhymes with.

Your lines about broken stories and worries are beautiful, however, they do not have the same number of beats. Try adding the word "and" before bring. It will flow better.

[Rayne Engel]

Amazing! I've never seen that anime, but it sounds sad from this poem. I'll have to look it up, cause I love sad stories... =)