Just Like Me

• Artist: Seraphim Hazard
• Description: Well, I'm feeling rather cocky tonight and in a mood to share so I opened my vault of old poems and submitted two. I'm now very curious to see how people will respond but enough of that. I'm not exactly sure how this piece came to be but it did and I quite like it. Something dark and not so happy, makes me giddy. I do hope you enjoy.
• Date: 01/07/2010
• Tags: just like

"Just like Me"

By:Seraphim Hazard

Concrete floors and closing doors
Smiling faces, mockery laughter
Spiteful eyes and blacken cheeks
Day by day, I continue to stand

Losing myself bit by bit
The sinful demons clawing at my back
The light fades, darkness creeps
On this bloody carpet

Cold, dark, desolate, gone
What words can I use to
Make you understand the
Broken pieces sliding down this rusted string

Pinned up butterflies
Chaos and destruction
A beautiful seduction I call my own
Needle, thread, and duct tape too

Make me whole yet again
Filled inside with torment and hate
Taking in all your rage and envy
Made by all but by none

Just like this china doll I hold dear
Incomplete, abounded, pathetic
Just like me

Comments

[Cottoncandyocbra3]

Rather cocky? Friend, for what vain reasoning should thou be so self-affirmed arrogant? True, the word choice is fine, but the overt flow and form of the piece is fractured. Not one stanza adheres to a solidified unity or planned approach. What I mean is that you've allowed your desire to use adjectives to smother the piece's rhythm. The word choice is,vehemently within the confines of haughty teen angst. "Needle, thread, and duct tape, too" just plain doesn't fit anything. An amateur affair