• The tobacco smoke fills my lungs and I fight back the urge to cough-

    It's the least I can do for her-

    The bitter taste fills my mouth and I forget my resolve-

    The smoke is expelled from my body in loud racking coughs,

    I guess I'll have to remember some other way-

    But the tobacco smell- that's what triggers my memory the most,

    That and the faintest smell of lavender-

    Like a tobacco stained flower-

    The poison of the cigarettes slowly turning the edge of the petals black,

    Just as the tar in her lungs built up and up-

    It's not like she smelled bad-

    The smoke smell was comforting in a way-

    The floral essence and tobacco mingling in that exclusive way that screamed "Jessi"

    Any other smell would've been wrong-

    I inhale again,

    Taking a second huge drag from the Marborolo clutched in my fingertips-

    I can see her-

    Short hacked off hair and white dress-

    Old black denim jacket and ancient mismatched converse-

    And of course-

    The cigarette dangling from her lips,

    Smoke trailing to the heavens she often spoke of with a dreamy look on her face-


    "After the cancer gets me Rainie,

    I'll go up there."

    Well she never got the cancer-

    She killed herself much too early to even have her lungs that full of carcinogens anyway,

    But she seems to be in the stars-

    At least,

    I see her everywhere-

    Just when I turn my head,

    I think I see her white dress,

    Her smoking cig,

    Her slightly sad smile.

    Hear her laugh lightly,

    And I think-

    Maybe it's her-

    But I look again,

    And it's another girl-

    A paper loose on the wind,

    A breeze passing through a tree noisily-

    Jessi is gone-

    So why am I still here?

    I rub out the cigarette on the ground next to me,

    I stand and begin to walk away from the field I was sitting in,

    A field I'd took her to a week after we met-

    And I pull my collar up against the wind-

    Fall is setting in and the breeze no longer carries its warmth.

    I try to think about the future-

    My new classes and horizons-

    The new opportunities-

    And for the slightest second,

    I catch the smell of Lavender and tobacco on the wind.