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Today I lied...many, many times.
And today...I cried harder than I had ever cried in my life.
Today I was sad for no reason.
And I realized that I have a very serious problem.
I love this feelings.
This sad, crying, painful, hating feeling.
This horrible, self-torture, disgusted with life feeling.
This lonely, unwanted, self-pity feeling.
I feed off of this emotion.
I write from it, draw from it.
I create art out of it, music, beauty...
Marvelous things from this evil, controlling thing.
And I’m not sorry that I do.
But I wish I wouldn’t.
I have the option to make them all go away...
The option to feel better, to feel good...
And I said no.
I said no to everything offered. I don’t want help.
I want to feel this way...
...but I don’t...
I loathe this sensation...my whole body...weak...and tired...
Being crushed down by this depression....
I live for this feeling. I hurt myself so that I will cry.
I love to watch myself cry...
It’s the most beautiful site...
Be sides the eyes of my lover, of course.
But why do I do this to myself?
I’m not just hurting myself...
I’m hurting the others around me...
And I love it.
Kill me, kill me now!
Are you reading this?!?
If you are...I’ve hurt you somehow.
And if not...
I promise I will.
I’ve lied many times today...
Just so I could hurt you.
I cried many times today...
Just to hurt you.
This problem I have...I can’t escape it...I can’t get away.
And you try to help me.
And I NEED this help...
But I still push you away...
I can’t help it...I’ve tried to stop...
But if I did...I would be less me than I am now...
My whole body shakes...
My hands tremble...wiping away tears...
But I can’t stop...
I won’t stop...
Because I have this problem...
And this problem...
It is my soul.
And this poem...
I know it’s not much...but...
It’s me reaching out to you...
I want to stop...
I want to be happy...
And this poem...
I know it’s not much...
But I’m telling you I know who I am now...
And I’m sorry.