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I've gotten to thinking... |
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Well, today in drama there was...well, a lot of drama. In the last half hour before practice started it was just me, these two guys, kyle and cameron, and three girls whose names I honestly don't know. We were sitting in the auditorium and the topic came up of this guy who commited suicide last year. It was only while cameron was gone, though, because this guy was like his best friend. We were talking about how we couldn't even fathom at how he must have felt and still feels. We thought about what it would be like to lose one of our closest friends under any cercumstances, especially suicide. It hadn't been the first time I had thought about that. I think about it almost every day, of how how much it would kill me if I lost one of my best friends. They're like a part of me that keeps me alive. Kyle was already dealing with a lot besides that. I don't know exactly what that is, but it was almost painful to see him in such a depressed state. He's usually a bright, sparky person. There we sat in the dark of our school auditorium, talking about these things and Kyle's mood had kind of settled over all of us. We had suddenly become a small emo club. It's hard for me to see my friends upset, or shoved so far down that they're practically on the verge of tears. It pains me so much that they have to deal with it. They don't deserve to put up with s**t like what most of them put up with. It makes me just want to put a hand on their shoulder or put my arms around them and tell them that everything will be alright, that they shouldn't worry, because I'm here for them; but, I just can't do that. I feel like I'm not really there for my friends like I like to think I am, almost like I expect them to be there for me more than I'm there for them. It's so confusing. I wish I just didn't have to deal with these kinds of things in my head. It's that kind of thing that keeps me up at night, that I'm not a good friend to my friends like they are to me. It's not the only thing, of course, but it's up there...I wish I could just, wish away all my troubles. I want so much for everything to be fine, to just have a normal, teenage experience, and not have to push past it in a wink and get on to things that I shouldn't have to worry about until I'm out of college; but, obviously, nothing is that easy...
 LegolisoftheW.R. · Sat Sep 30, 2006 @ 03:33am · 2 Comments |
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