Time passes slowly for me now, and numbness fills my body. The questions and memories have been growing and becoming clearer. The cuts are growing deeper and are beginning to travel up my arms. The blood that flows from the wounds is filled with loneliness, shame, hopelessness and hatred for myself. The tears have now ceased falling from my eyes. A voice, quiet and haunting, calls to me when I look in a mirror. "No one likes a girl who shows pain. No one wants you. Your not worth his time or anyone elses. No one wants a girl who shows pain." I hear these words every moment of the day.
The dream realm is the only place where I thought I could be free. Yet even there, my death is waiting for me. I have dreamt of my grandmothers death, though I don't know how she died, I commited suicide shortly after. There are certain parts in the dream that repeat themselves, showing different ways that I had died. Before one of the times, I had been talking to one of my best friends, I told him something and did something that I haven't done offline in a long time. I told him that the only person who really loved or cared for me died today. And I began to cry.
I was so ashamed when I awoke. For the years after all my abuse and moving, I had no cried. I had completely stopped crying, and refused to let myself to. I have truely given up, and that dream has proved it. I have felt so low in the past two days. I had made the mistake of telling my elder brother everything, and when my love had come down to talk to me, he was so clueless, so innocent seeming. I felt as if I killed him that night, as if I murdered the last shred of my humanity. I don't want my friends to worry about me, to let him know that they know the dealings that are happening.
I have begged them to keep their tounges silent. They know that I am empty inside. I feel as if I am made of glass, poorly made glass. You can see right through me and easily broken. My body is heavy, and it is sore. Yet I have not come upon any beatings, done anything physically trying. I have walked the streets of the current town that I call home. Thought of how people look upon me and even I wish to escape myself. I don't know if I will make it through the school day tomorrow. Every pair of eyes will be watching, seeing what will I do? My friends wondering what they can do to help me.
Is this the end for my love and I? Will the past weekend be the undoing of 7 months that we have been together? I wish time would not tell. I should suffer for my actions, my thoughts, my questions. I should not even be alive. How could I live with myself knowing that I am making him suffer once more? Slowly I will die, and faster depending upon the events of the coming weeks...
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Words of Silence
The words that are silent during the day, shall be spoken and heard through the night.
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all is lost to my ears
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