The night has fallen upon us all. Yet, things seem wrong. I had gone to a party, but had no fun really. I guess it was because my mind was elsewhere and I couldn't focus on the better things. I stress over the tiniest of things. But what had me all worried about tonight was having to talk to one of my best friends because he was making me and another friend worry and feel like s**t in a way. He keeps his feelings to himself and it just kills me and my friend Ora that he won't, or can't open up to us fully. He says that time is all he needs and I know that can't be true.
I know he is suffering on the inside and wants us to be happy. But how can we be happy if he isn't? At times, I think things would be better if I wasn't here. If I wasn't apart of this world any longer. Yes, I am talking about suicide. Then I think about all the people who might be sad, hurt, or alone due to my stupid mistake. For once I did it, I couldn't take it back. There are no do-overs in life and I know this. But it's easier said than done about not thinking about it anymore. At times I've thought about jumping into my relaxing spot, since it's so cold out, it shouldn't take long should it? Just one quick shock, and just staying in the water until death takes it's toll. I know that my senses would try to take over, to get me out of the water and to the nearest house so that I could be saved, but why?
Why would I want to be saved? My friends are in so much pain right now, my family loves to argue and to put me down. The one guy who makes me feel like I have so much more that I can be, is in another state and has to go to Iraq this fall before I even turn 17. He will be gone an entire year and during that time, who will I fall back on? There will be no one to visit me, no one to bring me into their arms and to tell me that everything's going to be alright. Why should I bother anymore? The future is as bleak at the present, if not more. There are so many things that I could plan between now and this summer, and none of those things could come true. Sure some may, depending on how dedicated I am to them, but that doesn't say much.
I can't even stick to one damn diet, let alone life plans to move out and to spend the rest of my life with one person. Surely everyone has plans and dreams that they want to come true, but it doesn't always mean that they will. It's just a way to keep us going when the times get rough. But in everyone's life, there's always that one person who is always there for them. And right now, mine is in California, and soon to be Iraq. There are so many things that could happen to him while he's over there and there'd be nothing that I could do. I wouldn't be there if he got hurt, or if he died. Who will be there when he takes his last breaths? What will the the last thing he thinks of when he passes? Then trivial questions pop into my mind after I think of those.
What will be his first thought when he wakes up of a morning? His last thought before he lays his head down? Will he help someone or kill someone? Will he write? That one I know the answer to. He won't, I've asked him this multiple times and he's told me no. That it takes too long for the letters to get to their destinations and it is just faster and easier to call or text. But I don't always want to call or text. I can't re-read a call and I always delete my texts. I want a letter now and then. To read his writing, to know that even if he passes that I'll have something to remember him by. I'll be honest, I do not want him over there.
I wish he was right here telling me, assuring me that everything's going to be alright. But he's not, and he won't be for a while. I can't even text him, I can't get ahold of him really. I don't know the address for where he is, I don't know the number of any of his friends really. Yet, again, there is nothing that I can do, and must take the bullets and treat the pain as if it's not even there. Tomorrow I will visit my place and think good thoughts of him. Believe that he will come back to me and be safe and everything is going to work out like we'd planned. That's all I can do at the moment is wait, worry, fear, cry, and hope.
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Words of Silence
The words that are silent during the day, shall be spoken and heard through the night.
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all is lost to my ears
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