The days pass slowly, and ever so taunting. I see images of my past, and the pain they cause is near to unbearable. The nights are restless and sleep fights me to the end. When sleep comes, it is full of confusing and hellish dreams. I do not know what they mean or why they are happening again. My mother hovers and when near me, is careful to choose her words wisely. She acts as if I'm a timebomb just waiting for a chance to go off. I try to act as normal as possible, but the sleepless nights, and the long days create a problem for me.
In nearly all my classes, I have fallen asleep or went into a tiny little world of my own. Unbenounced to the world, the dreams come as fitfully as the night. Every moment, I jump, with no reason as to why. I am half awake, half asleep, and yet no sound makes any difference to me. The words of others are like distant whispers. My friends are right there in the same school, the same hallways, and sometimes the same classes. But they seem so fuzzy, so far off and distant. As if they too, were memories of my past. The times are long and they grow hard and uneasy to function in this world.
Are the Gods trying to tell me something? That I am not meant for love, and happiness? Am I meant to suffer amongst the happy and ignorant bliss? I feel as if I'm stuck between a place or emminent death, and a place of mournful sorrow. Neither place is a place where I want to be. At times there feels like there is no place to go. My friends seem forever worried, angered, full of sorrow, or depressed. I cannot be for sure as to if they are truely happy. How can I be sure if I can't even be truely happy myself? I can no longer go around giving out advice to subjects that even I know nothing about.
I try hard to help them, to make them feel better. Alas, at times I feel as if I make their lives worse. I feel as if my aura is disrupting theirs and making them as depressed as I usually am. I love to sing, yet my voice is filled with sorrow, my art use to hold such happiness, now dulled with the passage of time and pain, my acting seems empty. From where I was happy to go through the pain and the worry of lines and getting ready for opening night, that has been taken away. I have been shreaded of nearly all my joy and life from this one boy. I know I shouldn't go on and on about him, but he was my first love.
He made me feel so special, that I was the only one for him. He and I made plans about him coming up to where I am moving after highschool and living with me. We were going to be together as long as we can. I guess it wasn't much longer than the last time. I just wasn't good enough for him. I tried my hardest to stay with him, to deal with his problems as I hoped he would deal with mine. He promised that I would never be alone again. But what do you call this feeling? This feeling of an empty spot in your heart, your soul, your being? The darkness of loneliness has taken back over my life. He broke his promise.
It is a great pain to break a promise yourself, but it hurts ever so much more when someone you love promises something like this, and then blows you off like last weeks newspaper. Sure he hangs around me at school, but the pain becomes clearer, sharper, everytime he touchs me, everytime I look into his dark brown eyes. He puts his arm around my shoulders and walks me to class as if we were still together. He seems to love to torture me this way. I shall not stop him, not because I am a masacist, but for the reason of it is not worth it. What is the point if he's too stubborn to take the hint? The sorrowful glances, the looks of pain and discomfort. No, t'is not worth it at all. The pain grows sharper, clearer, and cuts through my emotions and soul like a steaknife through soft butter. Will it ever stop?
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Words of Silence
The words that are silent during the day, shall be spoken and heard through the night.
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all is lost to my ears
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